Moving and Sleeping

We've moved! Officially homeowners for the very first time. We closed on our house on Thursday afternoon, took 2 car loads of boxes over to the house after leaving work at 6pm, did a similar clown dance on Friday with the addition of picking up a friend at the airport, we packed and moved all blessed day on Saturday until about 11pm and then got up after a fitful sleep in the new house and cleared out the old apartment. Up at 5:30 today, woo!

Not a lot of time for sleep.

In the big picture, life is totally awesome and I'm supremely excited about so much. In the smaller, mundane, day-to-day snapshots, I feel kind of grumbly. My panic at maybe not being pregs anymore is starting to subside; there is truthfully no way I could feel this completely "ick" without having a raspberry growing down in that uterus. But, it isn't completely wiped away. The only thing that would help is the next ultrasound which was scheduled for Thursday morning. And thanks to an annoying scheduling issue at work, I can't make it anymore. The reschedule is now a whole week away, next Monday. Sad times.

Also, that Thursday appointment had me looking forward to getting some time out of this office. My boss told me Friday that they won't be hiring my contract position full time after the end date. So, provided I still in fact am pregnant, I will be looking for a new job when I'm about 15 weeks along. Mother hecker. That piece of information has also left me incredibly unmotivated with this job. I'm just so not feeling it anymore. I want to go home and furniture shop and job hunt and freaking sleep already.

I just really want to sleep. pleasey please.

My diet has gone to total trash, also. I've been working long hours since J and I share a car and I have virtually no attention span or time to meal plan and grocery shop. We're been eating a ton of take out and restaurant food and not nearly enough good, healthy, nutrient-dense meals at home. I can tell my body is aching for my old eating habits but I just can't get into the swing of things. Oy! That surely is contributing to my grumpiness. I always feel better when I'm eating well.

Three cheers to getting my house in order. Literally and figuratively. Probably next weekend...

135 bpm

We had our first regularly-scheduled ultrasound today! My office says I'm 6w5d but the little blueberry in my uterus says it's been 7 weeks even. I guess he's big for his age??? We weren't able to actually hear a heartbeat, I suppose because blueberry is just so itty-bitty, but we saw that little heartspace fluttering away on the screen and our ultrasound tech, Emily, said it measured at a strong 135bpm. The top mass that is longer shaped is Baby Blueberry and the mass just below her (?) that looks like a heart shape (or a triangle, if you're less of a romantic) is the yolk sac that's keeping her fed.

I'm letting myself think about all sorts of wild things like... what it will be like to have a little one toddling around the new house a couple years from now... how strange it will be for a carseat to be a semi-permanent fixture in the backseat... the logistics of our mothers coming to stay with us after the birth in the summer...how we'll plan our holidays next year when there is a 5 or 6 month old to consider. It's so, well, shocking to my system to think about all of it! I pushed those thoughts away for the last year so it's a bit like uncharted territory.

Mom and I started to throw around shower ideas this week which, on one hand seems nutty, but on the other... well, it just seems smart! I would love if it could be a surprise - that's what I'd always imagined. But living across the country now and having to schedule flights. It's just overwhelming to consider all of it being done clandestinely! Truthfully, I'm happy to have input because I really don't want to do a traditional thing anyway. Definitely want to throw a co-ed bash! Now that we're so far away, it seems like one of very few opportunities to see extended family and friends and to eliminate 50% of them cause they are male? Well it just don't feel right! This obviously turns it into a more low-key party because we're starting with an 80-person guest list (eeep!) and throws a small wrench into the where-to-host-it matter. We'll have friends and family coming from Long Island, Manhattan, Central Jersey and Bucks County, PA. Manhattan is obviously the most central, but bound to be most expensive. What's a girl to do?!

For now, I'm just focused on getting my blueberry to keep on growing safe & sound. Oh, and also to get permanently hired before anyone figures out I'm pregs!

5 weeks, 4 days

So here we are, still pregs. I've been reading a crapload of fertility blogs since the summer and it's always been interesting for me to see which women continue to post after a positive test and which feel like it's time to move on. It seems that for many who decide not to continue, there's a concern of making other infertile sisters who are still going through the ringer feel bad by posting all the fun pregnancy updates. And you know, I totally respect that decision and understand those feelings. I think I'm in a different boat at this point... Here are some thoughts.

1. This blog got started with the purpose of sorting out my feelings because, since our move to CO from the east coast, I have few friends that I feel comfortable sharing all of this information with. And J, being the stoic that he is, can only handle so much of my chatter. The other purpose was to have a holding place to document and summarize everything I was doing on this journey. And my feeling is that this journey continues, just with a new chapter.
2. Let's be real - not many people read this! I only have one friend who I shared this link with and since we don't get to catch up nearly as much as we'd like, I'm thinking she's open to reading all my blather whenever she gets time on the train ;)
3. I've been totally freaked since yesterday evening that there is cause for concern and I'll be calling my nurse in about 20 minutes when the office opens. I was lightheaded or dizzy very frequently over the weekend and that was accompanied by a fabulous stabbing pain in my lower right side last night. These are two things she cautioned me about with the words: Call Me. My frenemy, Google, explains that these can be symptoms of an ectopic. Jesus, that's all I need. It makes me sad to think that I'd step away from this blogy thing because I got good news and then as soon as something bad happens, I come running back. Isn't it better to have happy things to write about, too?? :)

I'd hate to think that my course of reasoning sounds selfish or cold. I hope that it makes sense. There are plenty of wonderful, beautiful, and, at times, heart wrenching stories being shared out there in the blogosphere. And if you stumble across mine and it doesn't resonate... Well it's totally cool to move on until you find something that's the right fit. I know I've certainly done my share of blog surfing, passing on the stories that I just know I won't be able to stick with for one reason or another.

And in the meantime I'm going to continue to silently lose my sh!t here at my desk until my nurse calls me with useful information.

I'm starving

... And everything I can think of to eat sounds super gross and gives me the queazies. What's a girl to do? Trip to Whole Foods?

I also woke up at 2:30, 4:30, 5:15 and 6:30am, at which point I just threw in the towel on sleeping in and took Lexi for a 4 mile walk. So I'm totally wiped out. 

But I love every uncomfortable minute of this <3 Could not be happier. 

How Do Working Women Do This?

Good god, I'm trying so hard to focus on work right now instead of wanting to puke in the trash can. It's about 11am and I've accomplished ONE meeting and ONE report. That's all I've done so far. I got here at 7:05am. 

It's a weird sensation. I wouldn't say that I'm full-blown nauseous-slash-ready to run for the bathroom... but having the serious queazies. The idea of eating or drinking anything at all is a total turn off and I can't make my brain zero in on actual work.

Millions of women work while pregs. How?!

Also. I ate half a doughnut this morning. Dumb dumb dumb idea.

No Beta Dramas Here

My dear nurse Lana took her sweet time calling with my blood test results today. I mean, I still love the girl and I know she has a serious job, of which phone calls are only a small part, and always done in the late afternoon. But daaaaaaamn I thought I'd hear back before 4pm! I was totally zen til maybe 2pm when I started falling asleep at my desk and feeling anxious to just call it a day.

I waited and waited for hours and hours. I checked my phone and email over and over again in case there was any message that came in during the 3 seconds that I wasn't paying attention. When Lana finally called, when I had completely given up on hearing today, I was in the car blasting music and completely missed the call. Doh! But, being the fab nurse she is, she left me a perfect message full of detail!

hCG Level: 2673 mIU/ml (CCRM wants to see it over 50) 

Progesterone Level: 73.8 nmol/L (should be between 32.6 and 140)

Bottom line? At 19dpiui, I'm pretty gosh darn pregs and Dr. M sees no reason to do a follow up beta test. Woo! I'm supposed to call back tomorrow to schedule my first ultrasound. squeeeeeee!

I thought I'd done a good job of staying chill all day while I waited around, but as I listened to her message and began tearing up (let's be straight, I was on the verge of hyperventilating), I finally realized how much anxiety I'd been holding. Would the number indicate a chemical pregnancy? What about ectopic? Would it just be low enough to cause general concern about the viability? When I listened to her recount the numbers in the message, my jaw literally dropped. It was so much higher than I expected! 

The news makes me feel a little more confident about telling my family over Thanksgiving. Even though it's traditionally "too soon," I can't imagine not sharing this news face to face and, sadly, I have no idea when I'll get to see them all again. We still will wait to tell J's family until they visit us at the end of December. At that point, we'll be closer to the second trimester. Not sure when I'll actually get to have the ultrasound since I'll only be in town until next Monday. That will mark 5 weeks and I'm sure that will be too early. Waiting over a week until I'm back in Denver is going to build up some crazy anticipation!

The month of November is carrying an unreal amount of gratitude for me this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe! <3