Neurotic & Paranoid

Can you still be pregnant if you don't feel queasy or nauseous anymore?

• I woke up a little hungry but not too bad. 
• I had no need for my requisite bag of Cheerios on the way to work.
• Yogurt for breakfast didn't turn my stomach.
• The raw onions in my bean salad aren't making me want to hurl like they did the last 2 days.

What if my little blueberry stopped growing? What if this is all over? I have to wait an entire 8 days until I go for another check-up.

I've read one too many horror stories about having a great ultrasound and then, expecting everything to be sunshine & daisies at the next appointment, discover that the little life apparently flickered out just in the day or two after that beautiful photo op. (Well, frankly, if I've read 10 stories of that happening then it's about ten too many...) My boobs barely hurt anymore. The weirdo pregnancy-insomnia seems to be gone. Is this because I had an acupuncture appointment on Saturday? Is that why all the symptoms feel better?? Or did all that needling disrupt the perfect harmony in my body and make everything stop? :(

Gosh I want to be positive but this is just gnawing and me deeper and deeper with each passing minute! I totally have the sads right now.

5 weeks, 4 days

So here we are, still pregs. I've been reading a crapload of fertility blogs since the summer and it's always been interesting for me to see which women continue to post after a positive test and which feel like it's time to move on. It seems that for many who decide not to continue, there's a concern of making other infertile sisters who are still going through the ringer feel bad by posting all the fun pregnancy updates. And you know, I totally respect that decision and understand those feelings. I think I'm in a different boat at this point... Here are some thoughts.

1. This blog got started with the purpose of sorting out my feelings because, since our move to CO from the east coast, I have few friends that I feel comfortable sharing all of this information with. And J, being the stoic that he is, can only handle so much of my chatter. The other purpose was to have a holding place to document and summarize everything I was doing on this journey. And my feeling is that this journey continues, just with a new chapter.
2. Let's be real - not many people read this! I only have one friend who I shared this link with and since we don't get to catch up nearly as much as we'd like, I'm thinking she's open to reading all my blather whenever she gets time on the train ;)
3. I've been totally freaked since yesterday evening that there is cause for concern and I'll be calling my nurse in about 20 minutes when the office opens. I was lightheaded or dizzy very frequently over the weekend and that was accompanied by a fabulous stabbing pain in my lower right side last night. These are two things she cautioned me about with the words: Call Me. My frenemy, Google, explains that these can be symptoms of an ectopic. Jesus, that's all I need. It makes me sad to think that I'd step away from this blogy thing because I got good news and then as soon as something bad happens, I come running back. Isn't it better to have happy things to write about, too?? :)

I'd hate to think that my course of reasoning sounds selfish or cold. I hope that it makes sense. There are plenty of wonderful, beautiful, and, at times, heart wrenching stories being shared out there in the blogosphere. And if you stumble across mine and it doesn't resonate... Well it's totally cool to move on until you find something that's the right fit. I know I've certainly done my share of blog surfing, passing on the stories that I just know I won't be able to stick with for one reason or another.

And in the meantime I'm going to continue to silently lose my sh!t here at my desk until my nurse calls me with useful information.

5 DPIUI

Today is my last day as an unemployed! Woot woot! My new job is a contract position, but here's hoping they like me so much they want to hire me full time at the conclusion.

As for being 5 days past IUI... I'm feeling nothing really. Still hopeful though! I felt so much amazing, positive energy following the IUI last Thursday that my plan is to just roll with that until I'm proven otherwise. In fact, one of the nurses in the room with me that day pronounced, "Now you're pregnant!" as soon as we all watched J's sample get injected into my uterus. We all laughed, commenting things like - hope it's that easy!

The only thing I can report right now is feeling some gentle cramping in that sweet little uterus fig. Not anything like a period, just a little action going on there. But every single cycle feels a bit different so I can't read into that at all and it's been going on for the last 3 days so... yeah. I'm back to temp charting again, but at this point in the cycle I can't say that those temps are revealing anything interesting; just elevated, as they should be post-ov.

1dpiui

That title looks like some kind of weirdo code. In a way, it is a kind of code. An abbreviation. What it abbreviates is that I'm 1 day past the IUI. Hopefully, when that code looks like "14dpiui" I'll be seeing a nice double line, a plus sign, a smiley face next to the text "Pregnant." I'll take any of those :)

So far there isn't much to report. I've been feeling mega lazy since being told that I should raise my heart rate over 140 bpm - running raises me far above that, an average of 175 bpm. For that reason I went out and had a leisurely 5 mile walk today. I absolutely had to bring my phone and make calls while I walked cause I knew I'd be thoroughly bored. As a reward, I stopped at REI on the way home to do some sleeping bag shopping and grab a few things for J's race this weekend.

When I got home from my walk and went in to shower up, I noticed some brown spotting. My heart kinda stopped for a sec. But I've spent some time reasoning it out. For starters, one day after the IUI means it isn't implantation bleeding. So my other theory: that obnoxious cervix of mine probably bled a little from all the poking around yesterday. After a long bit of movement this afternoon, I think the activity started up the mucous production which drained out the dried blood from yesterday.

There it is. That's my theory. I'm sticking with it. I also joined a forum website yesterday and found another girl on there who triggered and had her IUI the same days I did. Kinda cool! As of today, we have 13 days left in the eternal TWW (2 week wait).

IUI Day! IUI Day!

Here we are. The day of our first (only???) IUI. My anticipation for this day - Wednesday, July 9, has been building for weeks now. Here's how it all went down:

5:15am
ALARM! Took my BBT and it was slightly elevated (97.8 F). Since I had three follicles that looked like they would pop out three little eggies, I wonder if maybe one of them had already released in the wee hours this morning, elevating my temperature? Doesn't matter too much, the appointment is set no matter what!

6:15am
Left the apartment together with J's bike in the back so that he could ride home after work. Butterflies in the tummy! And some definite ov cramps.

7:00am
CCRM opens for business and J has an appointment with the cup. All went well.

7:20am
I drove J off to work about 10 minutes away and stopped for a delicious breakfast myself. Quinoa pancakes with fresh berries, greek yogurt and maple syrup. Heavenly. Put me in a right proper mood sitting out there in the gorgeous Colorado sunshine :)

9:00am
Took the elevator down to pick up J's washed sample from the lab. After washing, his numbers came to 90% motility, 3+ and 42.2 million count. The lab tech was very pleased with the sample and gave me many good wishes on my way out the door. (I also got a peek at the, uh, "sample procurement" room on my way out the door. Yup, Playboys. And a pad laid out on the chair. Sexy.)

9:20am
So here's where the magic happens. It was a room I'd already been in for a previous ultrasound, but this time the lights weren't dimmed since I wouldn't be watching anything on the screen. Aside from the massive discomfort I was about to experience, it was all very much like an annual pap. Speculum (but no cold jelly) and the bright light angled in. I warned the nurse, Helen, that many who have gone before her have been stumped by my cervix. She quickly became acquainted with the issues. It took longer than usual for the catheter to be inserted, but she was as gentle as possible and persevered. Evidently, my cervix has a couple of bends in it which it what makes catheter insertion so difficult. Surprise! Once she let me know that she was in, the whole thing was basically over.  For something so monumental (well, potentially) there is just about no pomp to the whole thing. Just a few pats on the back, a smile or two, and kind "good lucks" on your way out the door.

$425 later, I was in the car on my way home. It's funny, actually taking out the credit card and paying for it had some sticker shock associated. But when I was in my regroup meeting with Dr. M back in June and we decided on IUI, the "few hundred dollars" price tag was a massive relief after the "tens of thousands" quoted on IVF. Phew.

Immediate Impressions
Wow that was so quick and straightforward... I can't believe we might have made a baby today without even being in the same room... I totally hate my cervix and hope it straightens itself out on the day that I'm blessed enough to have a vaginal delivery... The next two weeks need to be the most zen, chill, stress-free weeks of my life... My perspective should be one of complete optimism and positivity. Feeling any negativity about the procedure can only hurt the outcome and it won't make me less disappointed in the end if this doesn't work... We still have some time and patience for a few more tries... But this feels really good, after all, it only takes one tiny egg and one teeny sperm to have a little love affair <3

Setbacks Continue

One of the reasons I was so excited and relieved to get on board with CCRM was the feeling that we were finally entering a pattern of moving forward. And I need to keep the perspective that just by being a patient there we are already better off than going cycle after cycle on our own. But, for today at least, there's no moving forward. We're stuck in a waiting period. Again! Still!

I just heard from our nurse to go over my most recent set of tests. Prolactin=normal. Testosterone=basically normal. Rubella=immune. Thyroid=normal. Thyroid antibodies=normal. Blood chemistry=normal. Vitamin D=good. DHEA= normal. Blood counts=mostly normal, low white bloods cells due to my sniffly nose that day. Antibody screen=negative (that's good). So what was wrong? Varicella. Ugh. 

Bottom line is that I don't have enough antibodies against chicken pox. Despite the fact that I was immunized as an infant, had the virus, and then re-immunized two years ago. The impact of re-immunizing again feels pretty steep right now: 60 days from the date of the first shot (it is a series of two). The earliest possible date we can try for conception again is 3 months away. September. Just thinking about how far away that is makes me tear up. I'm so damn frustrated. 

It would be possible to move forward without the vaccination series. We would need to sign a waiver for CCRM. The chances I end up catching chicken pox in these next summer months seem completely ludicrous. But there is still a chance and if we sign that waiver, move forward with a conception plan, and I get this ridiculous virus while pregs, I'm at risk for pneumonia and the baby at risk for all sorts of nasty. birth defects. Seems like one hell of a gamble. Sure, the odds that everything goes according to plan with no virus in the picture are good. But it takes about .3 seconds to realize the risks outweigh those good odds all day long. So yes, we could sign the waiver. But we don't really have a choice, do we...

Our regroup with Dr. M is this Friday. That's when we'll discuss what our best options are going forward. I'd been looking forward so much to this meeting. Now I just feel like it will be frustrating to talk about things that I can't touch for 3 months. I'm just so sad right now.