9 Weeks Graduated!

Well there's Little H. I got to visit with him/her yesterday at my CCRM graduation appointment. Those folks there are really fab and I especially love Ruby, the new lab technician. Emily has been a sweet ultrasound tech, doing nearly every one of my appointments, and Dr. M herself gave me a lot of confidence in the two appointments we had with her. My new nurse, Lana, as darling as she is, was really only the harbinger of my exciting change of status - I've hardly seen her at all since she was assigned to me only for our pregnancy cycle. But, when all is said and done, I don't want to see any of them ever again!! If you've had to work with a fertility clinic, you know what I mean. If you've been diagnosed as "unexplained infertile," you get it. I'll spend the next 18-24 months praying that the next time I want to be pregnant, I'll be able to do it the good ol' fashioned way. I mean, who knows?! Stranger things have certainly happened.

So I was very unceremoniously graduated from the clinic yesterday, praise god. The u/s tech and my nurse were extremely pleased with how the little bugger was measuring and moving. My, oh, my, this little one has places to be! We got a look at him at approximately 2:30 in the afternoon and he looked like he was getting set to sprint across some imaginary finish line! Hands were waving, feets were shuffling, it was really incredible. And I could see her little heart muscle pump-pump-pumping. Emily was especially enamored with her feet flying around. The head is laying near my right side and the feet extend sideways to my left. Seems like an odd position but what do I know...

At 9w4d I am feeling remarkably unpregnant. Virtually no nausea and my exhaustion could easily be chalked up to the crazy move we did about 10 days ago and my daily 5:20am alarm setting. Not feeling crazy emotional either, peeing seems to be a rather normal schedule. Some days I feel nervous about the lack of typical symptoms, but Nurse Erin said to roll with it and love every minute. So that is what I shall do :) I do have pretty tender boobs though. And a funny moment today: one of my colleagues is in her 2nd trimester and I was in a meeting with her this morning that wrapped up close to 12. She was commenting that we really needed to finish soon cause she just had to eat and I agreed saying, "Yeah I'm ravenous. I don't know why I'm so hungry!" Her response to me? Amusingly: "Hey, maybe you're pregnant." Haha. yeah, maybe I am ;)

Thus far, I think I've been subconsciously very guarded about this little one. While I've been very outwardly excited with anyone who knows, deeper in my heart I keep feeling concern and I think I've been staying a bit disconnected. In a way that's an easy default setting for me because of how difficult the last year+ has been. And I'm sure most first-tri mommies go through that when there aren't many (or any) physical signs of what's happening. But now, after such a strong showing at her 9 week appointment, I think I'm ready to really go all-in, emotionally. I also took a hospital tour over the weekend and that helped push me forward a bit. Our chances of having a healthy, full-term birth are no better or worse than anyone else's - I need to just believe in this, 100%, no questions asked. So I'm going for it.

Emily printed several extra copies of our best u/s images and I promptly cut them out and placed them in the engraved silver frames that are currently on a flight to my dad in NY and my grandmother in FL. The news is seriously on its way and we plan to tell the family friends we're spending Christmas with. 

Surprise! 

Baby H

Arriving July 2015

135 bpm

We had our first regularly-scheduled ultrasound today! My office says I'm 6w5d but the little blueberry in my uterus says it's been 7 weeks even. I guess he's big for his age??? We weren't able to actually hear a heartbeat, I suppose because blueberry is just so itty-bitty, but we saw that little heartspace fluttering away on the screen and our ultrasound tech, Emily, said it measured at a strong 135bpm. The top mass that is longer shaped is Baby Blueberry and the mass just below her (?) that looks like a heart shape (or a triangle, if you're less of a romantic) is the yolk sac that's keeping her fed.

I'm letting myself think about all sorts of wild things like... what it will be like to have a little one toddling around the new house a couple years from now... how strange it will be for a carseat to be a semi-permanent fixture in the backseat... the logistics of our mothers coming to stay with us after the birth in the summer...how we'll plan our holidays next year when there is a 5 or 6 month old to consider. It's so, well, shocking to my system to think about all of it! I pushed those thoughts away for the last year so it's a bit like uncharted territory.

Mom and I started to throw around shower ideas this week which, on one hand seems nutty, but on the other... well, it just seems smart! I would love if it could be a surprise - that's what I'd always imagined. But living across the country now and having to schedule flights. It's just overwhelming to consider all of it being done clandestinely! Truthfully, I'm happy to have input because I really don't want to do a traditional thing anyway. Definitely want to throw a co-ed bash! Now that we're so far away, it seems like one of very few opportunities to see extended family and friends and to eliminate 50% of them cause they are male? Well it just don't feel right! This obviously turns it into a more low-key party because we're starting with an 80-person guest list (eeep!) and throws a small wrench into the where-to-host-it matter. We'll have friends and family coming from Long Island, Manhattan, Central Jersey and Bucks County, PA. Manhattan is obviously the most central, but bound to be most expensive. What's a girl to do?!

For now, I'm just focused on getting my blueberry to keep on growing safe & sound. Oh, and also to get permanently hired before anyone figures out I'm pregs!

Baby's First Photo

So I called my darling nurse Lana on Monday to report my dizziness and the sharp pains in my right pelvic zone. After checking in with Dr. M, I had an appointment made for me at 1pm. They were obviously concerned about an ectopic so I was slated for a urinalysis, sonogram and blood work. No matter the results I was so relieved that I wouldn't be spending a whole week at home in NJ wondering whether or not I was having a tubal pregnancy.

My sonographer, Emily, got the dildo camera right up in there and immediately spotted the gestational sac and yolk sac right where it needed to be. Massive sigh of relief, accompanied by the heart-racing excitement of having good news and seeing that little ball on the screen. 

Once Lana and Dr. M saw the sonogram results there was no need to take blood, phew. Being only 5 weeks and 4 days, there was no heartbeat to check for yet but I did get to take two pictures of my little lentil to show daddy back in New York. 

We also decided to tell family this week since we don't know when we'll see everyone in person again. Wednesday was my mom's birthday and we had reservations for her fave restaurant. I'd ordered a pair of silver earrings and a silver necklace with a ruby pendant for her and we'd also invites J's parents to join for dinner. After our apps course, I pulled out the two jewelry boxes and when she opened the necklace I explained the significance of the little pyrite bead on the back and then said, "And the ruby is the July birthstone." That comment seemed to fall flat until my step dad questioned it after a few seconds. So J and I each repeated a couple times "yup, birthstone for July" hoping it might sink in. Finally, Mom looked up at me trying to figure out why it was important and all the pieces started to come together. She totally cried like a baby, just as I anticipated :p 

Needless to say, we all had a great time at dinner. Everyone was pretty shocked. Well, 'cept J's mom who was expecting us to "make an announcement" this visit. She also squarely believes we've got a girl cooking. I'll take it!

P.S. My boobs are out of control painful, it is The Worst to take my bra off every night. On the flip side, still no running to the bathroom to puke so that's pretty awesome!

No Beta Dramas Here

My dear nurse Lana took her sweet time calling with my blood test results today. I mean, I still love the girl and I know she has a serious job, of which phone calls are only a small part, and always done in the late afternoon. But daaaaaaamn I thought I'd hear back before 4pm! I was totally zen til maybe 2pm when I started falling asleep at my desk and feeling anxious to just call it a day.

I waited and waited for hours and hours. I checked my phone and email over and over again in case there was any message that came in during the 3 seconds that I wasn't paying attention. When Lana finally called, when I had completely given up on hearing today, I was in the car blasting music and completely missed the call. Doh! But, being the fab nurse she is, she left me a perfect message full of detail!

hCG Level: 2673 mIU/ml (CCRM wants to see it over 50) 

Progesterone Level: 73.8 nmol/L (should be between 32.6 and 140)

Bottom line? At 19dpiui, I'm pretty gosh darn pregs and Dr. M sees no reason to do a follow up beta test. Woo! I'm supposed to call back tomorrow to schedule my first ultrasound. squeeeeeee!

I thought I'd done a good job of staying chill all day while I waited around, but as I listened to her message and began tearing up (let's be straight, I was on the verge of hyperventilating), I finally realized how much anxiety I'd been holding. Would the number indicate a chemical pregnancy? What about ectopic? Would it just be low enough to cause general concern about the viability? When I listened to her recount the numbers in the message, my jaw literally dropped. It was so much higher than I expected! 

The news makes me feel a little more confident about telling my family over Thanksgiving. Even though it's traditionally "too soon," I can't imagine not sharing this news face to face and, sadly, I have no idea when I'll get to see them all again. We still will wait to tell J's family until they visit us at the end of December. At that point, we'll be closer to the second trimester. Not sure when I'll actually get to have the ultrasound since I'll only be in town until next Monday. That will mark 5 weeks and I'm sure that will be too early. Waiting over a week until I'm back in Denver is going to build up some crazy anticipation!

The month of November is carrying an unreal amount of gratitude for me this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe! <3

Double Down on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Long time no see, huh? See... the thing is... everything was feeling really stable for a while there. I felt like I was on a really good track going the natural route. And then the Clomid hit.

Well I guess that sounds misleading. Rewind the tape. Go back about 5 weeks. We visited friends in Cali (with a side trip to Napa, woo!) and while we visited this super sweet family with two little boys and a brand new house, I started my CD1. Yep, blood in the panties (ugh, what a gross word, panties, makes my arm hair stand up). Given our surroundings at the time, I guess J and I got to feeling antsy so I made the phone call to CCRM on Monday saying that I'd like to go for another Clomid cycle. A day later, I went for my cyst check, was obviously all clear, and started up the same 50mg clomiphene prescription. The IUI was relatively uneventful and the following two weeks were equally uneventful. I   knew before the two week wait was over that the only thing I was waiting for was the dreaded period. But, lord, did that motherhecker hold out on me. I spotted for 4 days before it finally came through. When I called CCRM to report my CD1 (again) and schedule a cyst check (again), I learned that Dr. M wanted me to try this final IUI cycle with 100 mg.

So we're doing a big, bad double down on the Clomid. In the real-life world, I've had massive drama with my brother; a big fight with my mom due to the drama with brother; we adopted a puppy; I interviewed for a job, got the offer and turned it down; we fell in love with a house, put in an offer, won the bid, and then were told 20 minutes later the other buyers outbid us; ate and drank plenty of things I shouldn't have; and my dad was in a car accident (dad is fine, car is totaled).

ohmigosh.breathe

Through all of that, I frequently found myself thinking, "Gosh you're handling this well. Prior to the acupuncture and yoga biz, you'd be flipping out right now!" Welp! It took me a solid 2+ months to get on that straight & steady track and took 2 days of Clomid for all that hard work to unravel. I just totally fell apart last night. Looking back, I don't even know what the catalyst was. I recall going into the bathroom to get ready for bed and just staring a myself in the mirror. I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness. Cognitively, I knew there was a lot of blame to be placed on the medication, but that surely didn't stop the tears from coming on hard and fast. It's hard to shake the feeling of failure when you believe you're doing everything you can and still finding no success. Helpless.

And then there was the episode (two episodes, coughcough) of Transparent on Amazon Prime that had me choking back tears this morning. Oy. But there was going to be a peak to match my low, dark valley! Two bright spots in my day were on the way...

Failures and Shortcomings

I'm feeling like a major failure right now. I've been putting so much effort towards being positive, optimistic, chill and zen-like.But some days are hard. And then, just when you're coming out of a hard spell, WHAM! A storm comes. In this case, that was literaly what happened.

My parents and brother came out for a week long visit and we had an awesome time. It was a little stressful to keep up with such a long and intense itinerary and constantly be cooking and cleaning and keeping the ducklings going in the right direction. But it was amazing to have so much compact quality time. We had so much fun! The day that they left I was soooo sad. Crying in the car by myself kind of sad. I was dealing, but then J came home from work (late) and asked me what the status was on baby stuff. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was 3 days into a period and see that he really felt hit by it. We had a sad night on the couch. 

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I had an acupuncture appointment and since it had been a week and a half, I was super psyched to be back on the needle table with AJ. It was a solid appointment that left me feeling great and fertility yoga was later that night. Wednesday was my DAY, man! My get-back-to-zen day. Things were feeling good. When yoga was over at about 8:30pm, we had a massive downpour and thunder/lightening storm. And while leaving the parking lot I drove into a concrete pile :( womp womp.

When J came out to the car we figured out that the passenger side door wouldn't open. F*ck. Fast Forward: I took Ravy to a collision guy this morning and the estimate came in at $1450. Jesus help me.

Wait, there's more! They can't take us until September 29. A MONTH AWAY.

Oh, one more thing. The repair will take 4 days and we have........ one..............car. Motherhecker. 

I think it goes without saying that I feel like such a huge failure. It's been over a year and I have no baby. It's been 4 months of unemployment and I have no leads. We've been here nearly 5 months and I have zero friends. I can barely get emails returned to me, from job and friend prospects alike. The volunteering thing is going totally crappy. CCRM and acupuncture have been pricey and I've just rung up about $2000 worth of car repairs. It's sad, but J isn't making me feel any better. I want to feel his support. Anything. Maybe a sentiment like: hey, crap happens, we'll get through this, it's not you, you are not the center of a sh*tstorm.

F.

M.

L.

Is that lame? is that phrase totally over? It is the only thing that feels appropriate to say in this moment.

Eternal Waiting Game

Ah, here we are: the Two Week Wait. The old familiar. Thankfully I'm coming to the end. Well, "thankfully" in that bittersweet way. According to my highly regular cycle, I'll expect CD1 to be on Saturday, smack in the middle of my family visiting. Let's just believe that this aligning of the period stars is a positive - I'll have plenty of distractions during a time that I'm craving love, attention, affection. We've also put together a pretty active itinerary so it will be nice to not feel concerns about heart rate and getting out of breath.

Constantly charting for over a year can play serious mind games with you. Meaning? I've come to learn, much to my surprise, that I have a very regular 28 or 29 day cycle. This has caused two issues for me. 

• #1 - Imagine the gut wrenching shock of finding out I'm not actually preggers after my uber-regular cycle went an extra 5 days <dammit> Anyone who has thought she was pregnant for 5 days knows what happens in your brain in that short time.

• #2 - Despite the regularity of my period and ovulation days every month, nothing else seems to come into a pattern. The pre-period cramps I keep getting always show up on different day patterns prior to CD1 and always feel different. Naturally, that keeps me thinking each and every month that "this one is different, I know it!" <motherhecker> My boobs get super sore in different patterns and then I get some weird things, like dizziness, that will happen some months but not others. Man it's a total mindfuck.

Leading me to my chart focus of the moment: I had this wicked BBT drop on 10DPO which usually signals CD1 is right around the corner. Although that happened about a week early :/ When it swung back up the next day I got overexcited that it had been an implantation dip, woooooo! And then the next morning? Dropped again. Rahr. Sadnesses. But of course, this morning, this little body of mine was hot again! This game will likely continue for the next 3 days, keeping my heart in my throat. Puke.

Just trying to stay distracted, busy, centered. Enjoying yoga and bought myself a cute new mat as a special treat. It'll be great to have family here. They'll be our first visitors from the east coast since we moved out in April!

Secrecy

Growing up I got stuck keeping the huge family secret about my dad. Years went by that I kept this massive, confusing, looming issue from my friends and all of my extended family. In my teenage years, stuff with my dad became increasingly awkward, the secret became more and more difficult to keep, and once my parents decided to divorce, life at home was just so... icky. But I had so many of those pressing "teenager issues" like classes, grades, crushes and boyfriends, college plans, popularity, friends, plans for the weekend... So I often pushed aside the feelings about my dad and family and continued keeping the secret, whether or not it was the right thing for me.

When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.

Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.

Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.

Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...

Well, on the other hand, infertility freaking sucks the big one. It can be months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartbreak. Wouldn't it be nice to gather up as much support as possible? And what about all those awkward conversations and small talk chats that make you want to crawl in a hole and pluck your eye lashes out one at a time? "So when are youuuuuu guys gonna have one, sweetie?" At the most recent baby shower: "Well you two have been married a while now. I bet YOU'LL be the next one!" Yeah. Right. Not if my last year of failures is any indication... Wouldn't it be a relief to just come clean with the whole thing? Maybe it would preclude those little stabs to the heart that people think are so innocent. Some support or even just silence on the topic would be welcome. 

I just don't know. Like I said, it's such a personal topic. Everyone and every couple need to approach it the best way they see fit. But I've been feeling differently about it nearly every day of the week. I don't want to be the focus of family pity but I'd also love to experience a little sensitivity when family wants to discuss everyone else's amazing babies. 

More than anything though, I want to stop keeping ugly secrets. A lifetime of this just can't be good for the soul. 

9dpiui

Morning of the 9th day after our IUI. Things have been weird. Like... in my body, not life in general ;)

Life in General
I started volunteering at a cool non-profit this week. It was awesome to find an opportunity that actually aligns with my industry of event planning. Since they are a non-profit they put on several fundraisers each year so I am helping out with parts of an upcoming event. Right now there is a lot out of my comfort zone because we're cold-calling business asking for donations. That is relatively awkward for me and I haven't had a ton of success the last 3 days, but it will get better and I'm spending the days with a friend I met in the running group. We commiserate a lot about getting shot down repeatedly! Lotta laughs.

J has us doing another crazy fourteener hike tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it because of A) the heart rate issue, B) the fact that he invited a friend to join, C) this is a double peak and we have to get up so incredibly early, like 3am (?!) or D) my new hiking boots haven't yet arrived and I'd need to wear light little sneakers. So if you're assuming it is all four, you would be correct. Oy!

Yesterday I got a couple interesting leads on the job front so I'll spend some time with that today.

Feelings
There is still a lot of hope in me - and J! - that this is our cycle. He asks me every day "When will we know?" He's never been this in-tune! It's a nice change even if it does feel like the line of questioning you get from a 4 year old rather than a sophisticated 32 year old financial analyst :-D
Mom calls frequently and asks in this veiled manner, "Anything new?" or "Sooooo, what's new?" This happens several times in one phone call so I have to give her credit where it's due for not flat-out asking me for updates everyday. I told her about the Clomid and then our plans to do the IUI, but wanted to save a few of the specific details of the whole situation to keep between just J and me. After all, if we were still doing it the of-fashioned way, I wouldn't be reporting that!!
I'm also feeling a small amount of anxiety. The root of it is this: I'm fully aware that this cycle may not be ours and we'd start the clock over again next weekend, but I'm anxious about how I would take it if that truly is the outcome in 7 or 8 days. What I want to avoid is shrouding myself in so much hope and positivity that if I do end up with a period in a week, my soul isn't crushed. I know we've got a couple more tries with Clomid/IUI planned and that protocol seems to fit us very well and it's so reasonably priced. The uncovered portion comes out to under $400 for us I think. So I'd like to think that I can keep my head above water next week if I get news I'm unhappy with. There is still time for us on this clock!

Body/Symptoms
For days 5-8 I was feeling some intense kind of cramping only on the right side of my lower abdomen/uterus. Every once in a while the feeling would jump to the left or be more centralized, but it was very focused on the right. Eventually, after 2 full days of it (5 and 6 dpiui) and then having it intensify the morning of the 3rd day (7dpiui), I was a little scared of an ectopic and called Elizabeth at CCRM. She said some ibuprofen is ok but if the discomfort comes through the ibuprofen, or if I have a fever, bleeding, or something else, call back immediately. So for the rest of 7dpiui, it was a discomfort I could handle (but pretty intense later at night) and I did some yoga and stretching before bed. When I woke up 8dpiui, I was almost worried that the feeling had subsided! It poked its head back in a little in the evening, but that's been it. So... who knows?! It could just be my right ovary normalizing itself after having to deal with being super stimulated by Clomid or being psyched out by the HCG trigger shot I took.
Breasts are a little on the heavy/tender side of things, but that's been somewhat standard in my cycle this past year so I'm not too excited about it. Also a good bit of watery/creamy CM, but you could easily chalk that up to me staying super hydrated.
My BBT hit a higher point than average this morning, 98.6, but I woke up just feeling so hot, it could just be an environmental influence. I've hit 98.6 a few times throughout the last year so it isn't completely unheard of during my tww. My chart is a little unusual looking though in that it appears as a steady climb up since ovulation. Once again, I'm trying to not read into it because it could just as easily start stair-stepping it's way down at any point and also my body had been introduced to a lot of chemicals it's never dealt with before which could easily influence BBT readings.


On the forums I've been visiting, there are a few ladies who got a positive HPT on their 10th day past IUI. I don't know if I'm totally crazy to try that tomorrow, but I'm tempted! Just unsure if there is a chance that the HCG trigger shot is still even a little in my system. Getting a false positive would in fact be a soul crusher.... I'll think a little more about it. Maybe wait till Sunday, 11dpiui.

Cycle Day 7: BOGO Sale

Buy one, get one... Two posts for the price of one. Here's the update of what I didn't know when I wrote the previous post. 

1) I believe I have a new symptom to record: hot flashes. It's summer time and NJ has been having some wretchedly hot 90+ degree days with insane humidity, so I could be off-base here. However, the fact that I'd sit around the air conditioned house during the day and actually feel chilly enough for a blanket and then totally sweat my tush off when going to sleep kind of makes me think... maybe that's what a hot flash feels like! I was literally dripping sweat and had to throw off the sheet and turn the AC down a touch. I hold out hope that I'll never have need for clomid again (!!!!) but in case I do, remember the hot flashes...

2) No in-laws this holiday weekend, after all. Bummer. I've been sitting in the airport all evening waiting for my 5:15 pm flight to depart while they've been at the Philly airport also waiting. Unfortunately their flight was finally cancelled (it's now 11pm). As for me, I did get on the plane for about two hours. But a brilliant airport employee left the jetbridge unsecured and the storm that came through before we pushed off from the gate smashed the equipment into our wing. WOMP womp :( So we all deplaned and have been waiting ever since for a new aircraft to come in from another place in the country with no storms (not a lot of those tonight. hurricanes and storm cells abound!) Hoping for a plane in the next 30 minutes or so... which will get me into Denver just before 2:30am. Poor J needs to come pick me up then. Ouch. 

The Irony:

I really had stopped worrying about wacky mood swings with the in laws. All I'm feeling is a touch over-emotional, but I've been keeping good control of that when I realize it is a chemically induced over-reaction.

The Good News:
None of this effects our ultrasound or IUI schedule! Deep breath in, deep breath out..... Very excited about our dates next week. 

Cycle Day 7

Today is the seventh day of my cycle and I've taken the full course of clomid- all 5 pills at 50mg doses. I'm definitely feeling the overstimulation in the ovaries, though primarily in the right side. In my previous two natural cycles I've had ultrasounds that showed my right ovary was dominant and my HSG revealed a very slow spill of dye on the left. Just gives me pause, room to wonder what the deal is with my left side and why it's riding the short bus. 

Aside from feeling my hyperactive ovaries kicking into gear, I'm pleased to say I'm not feeling many other symptoms - probably because I'm on what seems to be the lowest dose. This last week I've been "vacationing" at my parents' in NJ and my mom and I are swapping lots of stories, memories, general catch up stuff. Whenever she lobs one at me that is even remotely emotional I get crazy choked up. Funny enough, that's the extent of my over-emotional, PMS-y mood swings. So far :) J's parents are visiting Denver with us for this upcoming holiday weekend and I'm a little anxious about ending up with sick mood swings while they happen to be staying with us. Eeek! I'll need to remember to stay focused, present and calm.