When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.
Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.
Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.
Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...
Well, on the other hand, infertility freaking sucks the big one. It can be months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartbreak. Wouldn't it be nice to gather up as much support as possible? And what about all those awkward conversations and small talk chats that make you want to crawl in a hole and pluck your eye lashes out one at a time? "So when are youuuuuu guys gonna have one, sweetie?" At the most recent baby shower: "Well you two have been married a while now. I bet YOU'LL be the next one!" Yeah. Right. Not if my last year of failures is any indication... Wouldn't it be a relief to just come clean with the whole thing? Maybe it would preclude those little stabs to the heart that people think are so innocent. Some support or even just silence on the topic would be welcome.
I just don't know. Like I said, it's such a personal topic. Everyone and every couple need to approach it the best way they see fit. But I've been feeling differently about it nearly every day of the week. I don't want to be the focus of family pity but I'd also love to experience a little sensitivity when family wants to discuss everyone else's amazing babies.
More than anything though, I want to stop keeping ugly secrets. A lifetime of this just can't be good for the soul.
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