Heart to Heart

We had a chat last night. A married people chat. The kind of deep conversation that I crave and wish we had more frequently. It usually happens every few months and often by force. Because I'm having a meltdown and finally J sits and listens. After Monday's shitty cyst news, J gave me carte blanche to be sad and mopey and talk about whatever I wanted. I kind of thought my special dispensation to be depressed would last longer than a few hours, but by Tuesday evening it was clear that J expected to me to be right back on the happy train. That was disappointing with everything else going on. I was really hoping for more emotional support.

So I did what a married person is supposed to do. I held back until I had my thoughts all sorted and then calmly expressed why I was feeling hurt and disappointed. No, really, that's actually what I did! I guess I was just feeling zen and collected after the yoga class. We ended up talking for probably an hour about this situation we're stuck with and the way we are both relating to one another about it. It was so refreshing to feel heard, to feel equal. The one thing that he said that really resonated with me and will probably stick with me for a while is something I've been aware of, but didn't have the right words for: I need a win.

One of the reasons this has been so hard on me the last year is that I've talked myself into believing that I have nothing else and being a mother is the only thing that will make me worthy. I'm unemployed - for about 3 months now - and having a hell of a time finding a new job, I'm fully isolated right now without family nearby and far away friends who are hard to stay in touch with, the people I've met so far here in Denver aren't people I feel a strong connection to, I've stopped running because it raises my heart rate too high I feel like I'm gaining weight but have zero motivation to workout and the one skill I cling to is cooking. Things that people often "define" themselves with, I've just run out of. And while that's kind of a sad realization, knowing a truth is an excellent first step towards fixing something.

But the bottom line? It was so nice to feel like J thinks about me and analyzes where I am in life. It was a feeling I had been craving and it felt so good :) Maybe if I just feel like I'm having a win in my relationship, maybe that can be enough to life me up a little bit.