For years I believed that when I wanted to have a child I would. There wasn't a whole lot of additional thought put towards the concept. I suppose that, if pressed, I would have expected that it could take up to a few tries, but that everything would fall into place rather easily. After all, that was the experience everyone around me seemed to have: Step 1- plan timeline for pregnancy, Step 2- get pregnant. Or, in a few maddening cases: Step 1- oops, I forgot my birth control, we're having a baby!
So I guess I can attribute that mindset to why this has all been so emotionally draining. Even by six months of trying I felt confused and frustrated. When you consider the multi-year infertility hell that some couples endure, being frustrated at six months almost seems laughable. But in the vein of being honest with myself and owning my feelings, that's where I was and have continued to be. I felt like I was doing everything right, so why wasn't I getting the right result?
This week was our first visit to CCRM. I felt optimistic afterwards and am looking forward to going back Monday for a couple of additional diagnostic tests. The last few days I've been doing additional Internet research on the practice and general fertility and, in the process, have found a few personal blogs from former CCRM patients. Their experiences have heartened me even more. Two in particular involved long roads with IVF. So far, J and I are too early here to know if we need IVF or some other type of intervention so the blogs have been more just interesting journeys to read up on as opposed to out-and-out educational or instructional. But they've given me one really important thing, an exceptionally critical lesson: acceptance of the timeline.
Every month that passes, every cycle that comes and goes, I think I've found some magic answer as to why it hasn't worked yet and I change up some part of the routine: Last month I ran too hard, this month I'll lift weights more; last month I was too excited about it, this month I won't chart or take my BBT at all; last month I didn't get the right nutrients, this month I need tons of spinach/sunflower seeds/avocado/fill in the blank; last month I didn't really have any fertile eggwhitey CM, this month we'll buy Pre-Seed and I'll definitely be preggers; last month I had a few too many drinks/coffees/sweets, this month I'll abstain 100%, enjoyment be damned! Lord, the list of magic reasons will drive you mad.
This time around, after finishing up another CCRM success blog and gazing out at the full moon lighting up Denver tonight, I have a different mindset. We are in good hands now. Before, we were alone. Now we have experts on our side. They aren't magicians of course, it will take time for them to gather all the information, devise a plan for us and, of course, execute that plan. But for the first time I'm feeling peaceful that we probably won't have a positive this cycle. And it may not be the next cycle. But I'm guessing that within three months we will be closing in on a positive. Maybe it will be a simple tweak of hormones and medications or maybe it will be the long-winded IVF journey. Whatever our timeframe turns out to be, we are on the brink of answers and solutions from some pretty brilliant fertility experts. And for that, I am willing to accept the timeline.
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