Nesting Is Weird

Nesting is a thing, who knew?! It is also incredibly weird. I'm finally in my due date week - 3 or 4 more days, depending who you ask - and I'm picking my mom up from the airport in the morning. Somehow, at 10:45pm, I am compelled to oil all my bamboo cutting boards. It is, for reals, a top priority. No matter that I haven't bothered with this task in certainly 8 months... Oiled cutting boards are now mission critical. 

Did I clean the downstairs bathroom? That pesky task that's been on my To Do for the last 4 days? Nope. Am I finished with Thank You notes from my shower this spring? Obviously not. 

But all the cutting boards are oiled and Little Miss has THE most complete and fully decorated room in our entire five bedroom, three story house. And my mom has a carafe for water and the cutest hobnail drinking glasses I could find next to her guest bed for her 3 week stay with us. 

These are clear priorities, folks. Crystle clear. 

The Final Countdown

Less than a month. In fact, under 4 weeks! One of my apps tracks the daily countdown and I'm at 23 days to go. Honestly, there were times I never thought I'd get here. Not because I had "doom and gloom" ideas that something could go wrong, but it just seemed so far away! The weeks that this little biscuit was the size of a raspberry, the length of a carrot, or when she finally hit that crown-to-toe milestone instead of crown-to-rump... Well, the prospect of her being flesh and blood and in my arms just seemed like an impossible dream. I'm so excited. I'm so scared. And I'm so uncomfortable!!

Naively, I always believed that the pregnant women who complained about the "last month" or the "last stretch" were just tired out and over the whole glowing mama-to-be shindig. Now I know. The truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me god. I am so thankful to have this experience and I would never trade in this little girl to get rid of the discomfort. But DAMN this last bit really, truly sucks. It ain't no joke. 

In the last couple weeks I've developed for-serious edema: my sausage feet can't possibly belong to me and it is actually painful to put weight on them first thing in the morning; my beautiful wedding rings have been off for a week or so; I don't recognize my face when I see pictures 😕. Sleep comes only in 2 hour spurts (I suppose that's practice for newborn life?) due to the discomfort in my hips, in my abdomen every time I need to move, in my constant need to empty my bladder, in my temperature. When she's awake and moving, I could almost believe I'm having contractions because of the top-to-bottom stretching pressure she causes through my whole uterus - her head hits my bladder so hard that I get a pins and needles type of stab down there. She also makes a lot of moves in there that are just flat-out uncomfortable and force me to focus on my breathing. I'm on my third yeast infection in as many months. And I guess the relaxin has kicked in hard because my pelvis feels like someone is trying to peel it open periodically throughout the day. 

Fear about labor and delivery creeps in from time to time, but there isn't much to do about it other than accept the challenge to take on the pain and be amazed by how the body works. In an acupuncture session I was listening to a Circle + Bloom relaxation clip specifically for labor and I really believed it was altering my perception of the process. Later that day, checking email, I saw a 20% coupon off their downloads. Meant to be, right?! I'll take care of that today so I can start listening and prepping. Gotta shake the nerves in favor of pulling on my Brave Big Girl Pants!

A Tip from My Blog to Yours

Do not google "mucus plug" while eating. The pictures posted will a) make you lose your carrots and b) call into question the sanity of anyone who stops to take a photo of a mucus plug and then post it on the internet for all the world to see. A simple description, in my humble opinion, would suffice: What is a mucus plug? It is mucus that looks like snot departing your body by way of your vag and not your nose. There might be streaks of brown, pink, or red because small capillaries around your cervix may break as your body prepares for labor. It's totally normal, you don't need to take a photo. 

Grossssssss! Not eating dinner for a while at this rate...

Parenthood: is the show like real life?

Ohmigsh I'm totally emotional right now. I never watched Parenthood until I saw all the social media hooplah about it's finale and got curious. This show started in 2010?! For serious? Goshdarn that sounds like 4 lifetimes ago. I was still living in the city, just nabed myself a roommate named J, working in the Madison Ave office before it moved down to Wall St... Being a parent seemed so far away that watching a show titled as such, felt unrelatable. I saw ads for the show pop up again when we moved the CO and, being so frustrated by my lack of children, watching a show about being a parent felt like a firebrand to my chest. 

Now I feel safe watching it. So here I am, 3 episodes deep. One of the kids has Asperger's syndrome. Having worked in a special needs school that was predominantly autistic, I relate on a small level to how hard that life is. He just got accepted to a special school and watchin the joy of all the family members is so touching and just makes my heart smile. 

Is this show like real life? I'm finally 4 months into this preggy adventure and things are finally starting to feel real. Are we for real gonna have another person? A family of our own? It's an overwhelming thought. Weeks have gone by - ok, well over a month - without me writing down a thing precisely because I'm so overwhelmed with thoughts that I just never know where to start. How much of this experience will I forget because I haven't made a single note? All these little things like when I get headaches, what makes me wanna puke, which yoga poses feel great and which ones are totally awkward - I feel like I'd want to know or remember all this stuff for the next guy (or girl!)

Gender gender gender. Everyone wants to know! According to my midwife practice, we won't find out til our big 20 week scan which will be March 10. That sounds soooo far away! Ironically though, I'm going to try to wait until April 11 to do a gender reveal at the shower. Not 100% convinced that I can actually wait that long :p I've felt pretty certain for a while now that we're on the boy train. Why? I can't explain it. All through our TTC journey, I knew I was desperate for a girl. And still I definitely want a daughter in my life. But despite whatever desires I have, something about Little H is screaming "I'm a dude!!!" to me. Haha. We'll have another chance or two to see if a lady is in the cards for us if this one is gonna be a mister. 

Total rollercoaster this is. And my goodness do I love it. 

9 Weeks Graduated!

Well there's Little H. I got to visit with him/her yesterday at my CCRM graduation appointment. Those folks there are really fab and I especially love Ruby, the new lab technician. Emily has been a sweet ultrasound tech, doing nearly every one of my appointments, and Dr. M herself gave me a lot of confidence in the two appointments we had with her. My new nurse, Lana, as darling as she is, was really only the harbinger of my exciting change of status - I've hardly seen her at all since she was assigned to me only for our pregnancy cycle. But, when all is said and done, I don't want to see any of them ever again!! If you've had to work with a fertility clinic, you know what I mean. If you've been diagnosed as "unexplained infertile," you get it. I'll spend the next 18-24 months praying that the next time I want to be pregnant, I'll be able to do it the good ol' fashioned way. I mean, who knows?! Stranger things have certainly happened.

So I was very unceremoniously graduated from the clinic yesterday, praise god. The u/s tech and my nurse were extremely pleased with how the little bugger was measuring and moving. My, oh, my, this little one has places to be! We got a look at him at approximately 2:30 in the afternoon and he looked like he was getting set to sprint across some imaginary finish line! Hands were waving, feets were shuffling, it was really incredible. And I could see her little heart muscle pump-pump-pumping. Emily was especially enamored with her feet flying around. The head is laying near my right side and the feet extend sideways to my left. Seems like an odd position but what do I know...

At 9w4d I am feeling remarkably unpregnant. Virtually no nausea and my exhaustion could easily be chalked up to the crazy move we did about 10 days ago and my daily 5:20am alarm setting. Not feeling crazy emotional either, peeing seems to be a rather normal schedule. Some days I feel nervous about the lack of typical symptoms, but Nurse Erin said to roll with it and love every minute. So that is what I shall do :) I do have pretty tender boobs though. And a funny moment today: one of my colleagues is in her 2nd trimester and I was in a meeting with her this morning that wrapped up close to 12. She was commenting that we really needed to finish soon cause she just had to eat and I agreed saying, "Yeah I'm ravenous. I don't know why I'm so hungry!" Her response to me? Amusingly: "Hey, maybe you're pregnant." Haha. yeah, maybe I am ;)

Thus far, I think I've been subconsciously very guarded about this little one. While I've been very outwardly excited with anyone who knows, deeper in my heart I keep feeling concern and I think I've been staying a bit disconnected. In a way that's an easy default setting for me because of how difficult the last year+ has been. And I'm sure most first-tri mommies go through that when there aren't many (or any) physical signs of what's happening. But now, after such a strong showing at her 9 week appointment, I think I'm ready to really go all-in, emotionally. I also took a hospital tour over the weekend and that helped push me forward a bit. Our chances of having a healthy, full-term birth are no better or worse than anyone else's - I need to just believe in this, 100%, no questions asked. So I'm going for it.

Emily printed several extra copies of our best u/s images and I promptly cut them out and placed them in the engraved silver frames that are currently on a flight to my dad in NY and my grandmother in FL. The news is seriously on its way and we plan to tell the family friends we're spending Christmas with. 

Surprise! 

Baby H

Arriving July 2015

Face Plant

I hate when you bite into a "veggie" burger and are met with a completely beige patty of grain. Where's the veggies, man?! How is this considered a veggie burger when the veggies are conspicuously lacking? Not a speck of green, a spot of red, forget orange or yellow either. It's just freaking rice and other unidentifiable grains. I basically ate a rehydrated ricecake for lunch, on a buttery toasted bun. Oy.

That could explain my headache and nausea and complete, utter exhaustion.

Or it could be the raspberry I'm growing... hard to say.

Moving and Sleeping

We've moved! Officially homeowners for the very first time. We closed on our house on Thursday afternoon, took 2 car loads of boxes over to the house after leaving work at 6pm, did a similar clown dance on Friday with the addition of picking up a friend at the airport, we packed and moved all blessed day on Saturday until about 11pm and then got up after a fitful sleep in the new house and cleared out the old apartment. Up at 5:30 today, woo!

Not a lot of time for sleep.

In the big picture, life is totally awesome and I'm supremely excited about so much. In the smaller, mundane, day-to-day snapshots, I feel kind of grumbly. My panic at maybe not being pregs anymore is starting to subside; there is truthfully no way I could feel this completely "ick" without having a raspberry growing down in that uterus. But, it isn't completely wiped away. The only thing that would help is the next ultrasound which was scheduled for Thursday morning. And thanks to an annoying scheduling issue at work, I can't make it anymore. The reschedule is now a whole week away, next Monday. Sad times.

Also, that Thursday appointment had me looking forward to getting some time out of this office. My boss told me Friday that they won't be hiring my contract position full time after the end date. So, provided I still in fact am pregnant, I will be looking for a new job when I'm about 15 weeks along. Mother hecker. That piece of information has also left me incredibly unmotivated with this job. I'm just so not feeling it anymore. I want to go home and furniture shop and job hunt and freaking sleep already.

I just really want to sleep. pleasey please.

My diet has gone to total trash, also. I've been working long hours since J and I share a car and I have virtually no attention span or time to meal plan and grocery shop. We're been eating a ton of take out and restaurant food and not nearly enough good, healthy, nutrient-dense meals at home. I can tell my body is aching for my old eating habits but I just can't get into the swing of things. Oy! That surely is contributing to my grumpiness. I always feel better when I'm eating well.

Three cheers to getting my house in order. Literally and figuratively. Probably next weekend...

Neurotic & Paranoid

Can you still be pregnant if you don't feel queasy or nauseous anymore?

• I woke up a little hungry but not too bad. 
• I had no need for my requisite bag of Cheerios on the way to work.
• Yogurt for breakfast didn't turn my stomach.
• The raw onions in my bean salad aren't making me want to hurl like they did the last 2 days.

What if my little blueberry stopped growing? What if this is all over? I have to wait an entire 8 days until I go for another check-up.

I've read one too many horror stories about having a great ultrasound and then, expecting everything to be sunshine & daisies at the next appointment, discover that the little life apparently flickered out just in the day or two after that beautiful photo op. (Well, frankly, if I've read 10 stories of that happening then it's about ten too many...) My boobs barely hurt anymore. The weirdo pregnancy-insomnia seems to be gone. Is this because I had an acupuncture appointment on Saturday? Is that why all the symptoms feel better?? Or did all that needling disrupt the perfect harmony in my body and make everything stop? :(

Gosh I want to be positive but this is just gnawing and me deeper and deeper with each passing minute! I totally have the sads right now.

135 bpm

We had our first regularly-scheduled ultrasound today! My office says I'm 6w5d but the little blueberry in my uterus says it's been 7 weeks even. I guess he's big for his age??? We weren't able to actually hear a heartbeat, I suppose because blueberry is just so itty-bitty, but we saw that little heartspace fluttering away on the screen and our ultrasound tech, Emily, said it measured at a strong 135bpm. The top mass that is longer shaped is Baby Blueberry and the mass just below her (?) that looks like a heart shape (or a triangle, if you're less of a romantic) is the yolk sac that's keeping her fed.

I'm letting myself think about all sorts of wild things like... what it will be like to have a little one toddling around the new house a couple years from now... how strange it will be for a carseat to be a semi-permanent fixture in the backseat... the logistics of our mothers coming to stay with us after the birth in the summer...how we'll plan our holidays next year when there is a 5 or 6 month old to consider. It's so, well, shocking to my system to think about all of it! I pushed those thoughts away for the last year so it's a bit like uncharted territory.

Mom and I started to throw around shower ideas this week which, on one hand seems nutty, but on the other... well, it just seems smart! I would love if it could be a surprise - that's what I'd always imagined. But living across the country now and having to schedule flights. It's just overwhelming to consider all of it being done clandestinely! Truthfully, I'm happy to have input because I really don't want to do a traditional thing anyway. Definitely want to throw a co-ed bash! Now that we're so far away, it seems like one of very few opportunities to see extended family and friends and to eliminate 50% of them cause they are male? Well it just don't feel right! This obviously turns it into a more low-key party because we're starting with an 80-person guest list (eeep!) and throws a small wrench into the where-to-host-it matter. We'll have friends and family coming from Long Island, Manhattan, Central Jersey and Bucks County, PA. Manhattan is obviously the most central, but bound to be most expensive. What's a girl to do?!

For now, I'm just focused on getting my blueberry to keep on growing safe & sound. Oh, and also to get permanently hired before anyone figures out I'm pregs!

Baby's First Photo

So I called my darling nurse Lana on Monday to report my dizziness and the sharp pains in my right pelvic zone. After checking in with Dr. M, I had an appointment made for me at 1pm. They were obviously concerned about an ectopic so I was slated for a urinalysis, sonogram and blood work. No matter the results I was so relieved that I wouldn't be spending a whole week at home in NJ wondering whether or not I was having a tubal pregnancy.

My sonographer, Emily, got the dildo camera right up in there and immediately spotted the gestational sac and yolk sac right where it needed to be. Massive sigh of relief, accompanied by the heart-racing excitement of having good news and seeing that little ball on the screen. 

Once Lana and Dr. M saw the sonogram results there was no need to take blood, phew. Being only 5 weeks and 4 days, there was no heartbeat to check for yet but I did get to take two pictures of my little lentil to show daddy back in New York. 

We also decided to tell family this week since we don't know when we'll see everyone in person again. Wednesday was my mom's birthday and we had reservations for her fave restaurant. I'd ordered a pair of silver earrings and a silver necklace with a ruby pendant for her and we'd also invites J's parents to join for dinner. After our apps course, I pulled out the two jewelry boxes and when she opened the necklace I explained the significance of the little pyrite bead on the back and then said, "And the ruby is the July birthstone." That comment seemed to fall flat until my step dad questioned it after a few seconds. So J and I each repeated a couple times "yup, birthstone for July" hoping it might sink in. Finally, Mom looked up at me trying to figure out why it was important and all the pieces started to come together. She totally cried like a baby, just as I anticipated :p 

Needless to say, we all had a great time at dinner. Everyone was pretty shocked. Well, 'cept J's mom who was expecting us to "make an announcement" this visit. She also squarely believes we've got a girl cooking. I'll take it!

P.S. My boobs are out of control painful, it is The Worst to take my bra off every night. On the flip side, still no running to the bathroom to puke so that's pretty awesome!

5 weeks, 4 days

So here we are, still pregs. I've been reading a crapload of fertility blogs since the summer and it's always been interesting for me to see which women continue to post after a positive test and which feel like it's time to move on. It seems that for many who decide not to continue, there's a concern of making other infertile sisters who are still going through the ringer feel bad by posting all the fun pregnancy updates. And you know, I totally respect that decision and understand those feelings. I think I'm in a different boat at this point... Here are some thoughts.

1. This blog got started with the purpose of sorting out my feelings because, since our move to CO from the east coast, I have few friends that I feel comfortable sharing all of this information with. And J, being the stoic that he is, can only handle so much of my chatter. The other purpose was to have a holding place to document and summarize everything I was doing on this journey. And my feeling is that this journey continues, just with a new chapter.
2. Let's be real - not many people read this! I only have one friend who I shared this link with and since we don't get to catch up nearly as much as we'd like, I'm thinking she's open to reading all my blather whenever she gets time on the train ;)
3. I've been totally freaked since yesterday evening that there is cause for concern and I'll be calling my nurse in about 20 minutes when the office opens. I was lightheaded or dizzy very frequently over the weekend and that was accompanied by a fabulous stabbing pain in my lower right side last night. These are two things she cautioned me about with the words: Call Me. My frenemy, Google, explains that these can be symptoms of an ectopic. Jesus, that's all I need. It makes me sad to think that I'd step away from this blogy thing because I got good news and then as soon as something bad happens, I come running back. Isn't it better to have happy things to write about, too?? :)

I'd hate to think that my course of reasoning sounds selfish or cold. I hope that it makes sense. There are plenty of wonderful, beautiful, and, at times, heart wrenching stories being shared out there in the blogosphere. And if you stumble across mine and it doesn't resonate... Well it's totally cool to move on until you find something that's the right fit. I know I've certainly done my share of blog surfing, passing on the stories that I just know I won't be able to stick with for one reason or another.

And in the meantime I'm going to continue to silently lose my sh!t here at my desk until my nurse calls me with useful information.

I'm starving

... And everything I can think of to eat sounds super gross and gives me the queazies. What's a girl to do? Trip to Whole Foods?

I also woke up at 2:30, 4:30, 5:15 and 6:30am, at which point I just threw in the towel on sleeping in and took Lexi for a 4 mile walk. So I'm totally wiped out. 

But I love every uncomfortable minute of this <3 Could not be happier. 

How Do Working Women Do This?

Good god, I'm trying so hard to focus on work right now instead of wanting to puke in the trash can. It's about 11am and I've accomplished ONE meeting and ONE report. That's all I've done so far. I got here at 7:05am. 

It's a weird sensation. I wouldn't say that I'm full-blown nauseous-slash-ready to run for the bathroom... but having the serious queazies. The idea of eating or drinking anything at all is a total turn off and I can't make my brain zero in on actual work.

Millions of women work while pregs. How?!

Also. I ate half a doughnut this morning. Dumb dumb dumb idea.

No Beta Dramas Here

My dear nurse Lana took her sweet time calling with my blood test results today. I mean, I still love the girl and I know she has a serious job, of which phone calls are only a small part, and always done in the late afternoon. But daaaaaaamn I thought I'd hear back before 4pm! I was totally zen til maybe 2pm when I started falling asleep at my desk and feeling anxious to just call it a day.

I waited and waited for hours and hours. I checked my phone and email over and over again in case there was any message that came in during the 3 seconds that I wasn't paying attention. When Lana finally called, when I had completely given up on hearing today, I was in the car blasting music and completely missed the call. Doh! But, being the fab nurse she is, she left me a perfect message full of detail!

hCG Level: 2673 mIU/ml (CCRM wants to see it over 50) 

Progesterone Level: 73.8 nmol/L (should be between 32.6 and 140)

Bottom line? At 19dpiui, I'm pretty gosh darn pregs and Dr. M sees no reason to do a follow up beta test. Woo! I'm supposed to call back tomorrow to schedule my first ultrasound. squeeeeeee!

I thought I'd done a good job of staying chill all day while I waited around, but as I listened to her message and began tearing up (let's be straight, I was on the verge of hyperventilating), I finally realized how much anxiety I'd been holding. Would the number indicate a chemical pregnancy? What about ectopic? Would it just be low enough to cause general concern about the viability? When I listened to her recount the numbers in the message, my jaw literally dropped. It was so much higher than I expected! 

The news makes me feel a little more confident about telling my family over Thanksgiving. Even though it's traditionally "too soon," I can't imagine not sharing this news face to face and, sadly, I have no idea when I'll get to see them all again. We still will wait to tell J's family until they visit us at the end of December. At that point, we'll be closer to the second trimester. Not sure when I'll actually get to have the ultrasound since I'll only be in town until next Monday. That will mark 5 weeks and I'm sure that will be too early. Waiting over a week until I'm back in Denver is going to build up some crazy anticipation!

The month of November is carrying an unreal amount of gratitude for me this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe! <3

Here We Go

This fertility journey sure is insane. You're always on a roller coaster, though some days you find that you've gotten off one ride just to board another one. There's the Hope Coaster, the Depression Coaster, the Anger Coaster. And maybe if you're doing a lot of yoga, meditation and acupuncture, you get a few spins on that lovely, relaxing Ferris Wheel with great views. 

I've been hanging out on the Ferris Wheel for a bit now, I'm glad to say. It's a ride I always enjoy at any kind of amusement park. I just love the feeling of looking out and seeing everything spread out below me. There's so much to see and imagine, so much that is happening below you that you aren't even aware of. If I were getting philosophical I'd try to wrap that into some metaphor for living a beautiful life. But I'm busy at work (yep! I got myself a job about a week and a half ago. Go me!) and don't have a lot of space in my brain for flowery metaphors. 

Turns out it's time for me to board a new ride. I've been so scared that I was going to have to get in line for the scariest ride in the park - one that's sure to shake you about, turn your stomach, make you question what you've done wrong in life, and whether you'll actually come out in one piece - the IVF Coaster. Now, I love the thrill of a good, adrenaline-boosting ride, but I've found that as I get older, these rides aren't really agreeing with me. Last summer I blacked out on a roller coaster in Wisconsin! I've never blacked out in my life. Well... 'cept that night in college... Totally different. But I was so scared by the prospect of that ride that I didn't fully appreciate how it would feel if it turned out that I didn't need to get on that ride. That maybe, just maybe, all the stars would align and I'd be getting on the I-Just-Got-My-First-Ever-Positive-HPT Ride. 

Yeah, it's true. That's my new roller coaster. Here's the proof:

I'm not sure what to make of it still. As I start to think about what may lay ahead in the next 9 months I actually feel like an imposter. Like I'm on stage acting out a part from a script. It's someone else's life. I'm just standing in and pretending to be the girl who needs to figure out when to tell family, when to tell friends, what hospital to deliver at, when maternity clothes will be necessary, how long before someone at work notices. There are some emotional scars that remain, for sure. PTSD? Eh, that's probably overkill.

What's going to make it real? When will I feel safe from the infertility monster? I guess my blood work tomorrow will be a first step. Those hcg numbers will surely tell a tale. But after that? I probably won't feel settled in for the long haul until January. Maybe when CCRM graduates me to my regular OB. The truth is, full-term pregnancy is an honest-to-god miracle. There are so many things that can go wrong. Whether or not you're aware of it, you probably know someone who has had a miscarriage or a pre-term birth. It happens more frequently than most people are willing to recognize in polite company. Because it's goshdarn terrifying and no one wants to talk about it.

Other than feeling like kind of a fraud when J and I talk out loud about The Positive, I'm freaking elated. I took a test at 5:30am on Saturday morning and totally silent-cried in the bathroom as I watched the second pink line slowly darken as the seconds ticked by. I couldn't fall back asleep so I took pups for a walk and then we hung out on the couch watching tv til J woke up. I still wasn't ready to tell him. I was afraid it wasn't real. I'd hidden the test strip under my side of the vanity and kept going back to look at it, as if the line would have disappeared or that I dreamed the whole thing. 

The inspection on our new house was at 9:00am and, being a total novice, I thought it might take 1-2 hours. WRONG! We finished up at 1:30, at which point we took a lunch break. Knowing that the results of the inspection were pretty positive with only a handful of minor fixes, we were ready to appliance shop. But I couldn't keep it back much longer. It felt so anticlimactic to just spit it out and, frankly, the words "I'm pregnant" sounded far too risky in my head. So I asked J to drop me in front of Target after lunch so I could grab something. Truthfully, I needed nail polish remover but I also wanted something to hand over. A concrete object that would tell J: this is happening. We are going to start crib shopping whilst we search for a dining room table. 

I looked for a cute onesie but was far from impressed by the selection. Nothing called out to me as the "right thing." No precious little shoes either. And then I passed a section of monogram mugs. There was a green and white chevron one with a big letter D. And I immediately thought: Daddy. Into the basket for check out. 

As we pulled into a spot for Crate & Barrel, I said to J, "I hope you don't mind but I got you something in Target." He seemed intrigued as I fumbled to grasp the mug in the plastic bag. I handed it to him and said, "This," grandly, "is your new favorite mug."

"OK, but what's the D for?"

"It's for Daddy."

"Well," with kind of a sad and confused laugh, "don't I actually need to BE a daddy first...?"

"Yeah," nodding. "Well, you're going to be."

Poor guy. He didn't know what was going on for a good 10 seconds. And then it hit him like a city bus. His face turned bright red, I'm sure I spotted a little dampness in those eyes, and he grabbed me into him over the console of the car. And then after he released me, he grabbed me back again. For such a stoic and unemotional fellow, that was a much greater reaction than I ever expected!

The rest of the day was full of high fives, hugs, and washer/dryer shopping. We're both still wrapping our heads around this.  My guess is that I'm a little more guarded than he is after all the reading and research I've done this last year+ but I'm still incredibly thankful to have this first step forward. 

And to KRQ: whenever you read this, you're likely the 1st person to find out! So, shhh...That's what you get for following this story ;) Miss you!

5 DPIUI

Today is my last day as an unemployed! Woot woot! My new job is a contract position, but here's hoping they like me so much they want to hire me full time at the conclusion.

As for being 5 days past IUI... I'm feeling nothing really. Still hopeful though! I felt so much amazing, positive energy following the IUI last Thursday that my plan is to just roll with that until I'm proven otherwise. In fact, one of the nurses in the room with me that day pronounced, "Now you're pregnant!" as soon as we all watched J's sample get injected into my uterus. We all laughed, commenting things like - hope it's that easy!

The only thing I can report right now is feeling some gentle cramping in that sweet little uterus fig. Not anything like a period, just a little action going on there. But every single cycle feels a bit different so I can't read into that at all and it's been going on for the last 3 days so... yeah. I'm back to temp charting again, but at this point in the cycle I can't say that those temps are revealing anything interesting; just elevated, as they should be post-ov.

It Takes Two to Tango? Try Six...

This morning was IUI transfer day, take 3! Alarm at 5:20am, J's contribution at 7am, time for breakfast in between, the transfer at 9am. I was home to walk the doggie by 10:10.

The normal math of having a baby is pretty basic: 1+1=3. Being infertile, however, math never works the way it's supposed to. I had to laugh this morning when I was up on the table, naked legs spread-eagled and there were 4 of us in the small little mood-lit room. One of the techs remarked, "Don't they say it takes a village?" just as I was saying "How many people does it take to have a baby?"

Today, there were six of us: me, J, the andrologist Edde, the tech who measured my lining again, the nurse who did my transfer and the nurse who was training her. But how can you leave Dr. M out of it? Or our nurse who just left the practice and talked me through all of the protocols? Or our new nurse who is such a ray of sunshine?? That's nine folks, there. That number doesn't include some of the nurses who have filled in "ad hoc" like Carolyn and Sara or the tech in Denver who always does my ultrasounds, Jessica. Twelve. Really?

I suppose when all is said and done in two weeks, maybe there is no baby and so counting up how many people were directly involved today is kinda silly. On the other hand, I just have this *feeling* like this could actually be the one. There's just this pervasive feeling in me this afternoon that the stars are all aligning. 

Hopefully next week I'll be starting a contract position with a great company that I'm pretty fired up about. I hope that will set my mind at ease about my professional situation. And the reason I needed so many people this morning to help with the IUI is because of my wonky cervix. I've had a total of 5 procedures that involved a catheter going through the cervix and this was the only one that didn't hurt like hell. The nurse was super gentle and slow and the observing nurse brought the tech back in to ultrasound my belly so that there was visual guidance for the catheter. It went in so smoothly and I got to see onscreen the transfer of J's little soldiers straight into my uterus. So neat! There's just something about that moment that irrationally makes me feel like this must be it. Maybe a year from now, it will actually be just two to tango, plus a little one asleep in the nursery ;)

This could be my new math lesson: 1+1+4=3

Never Out Of The Woods....

Damn. Just when you think everything is moving on the right track and you're good as gold, synthetic hormones rear their ugly heads.

It was just hours ago that I was feeling super optimistic and hopeful about this cycle. And then I went in for the post-Clomid follicle check. 

<crash>

As I mentioned, my dose was doubled this cycle to 100mg in hopes of higher egg recruitment. Didn't do much... My largest follicle is measuring 18.9mm and the next two, in the left ovary that loves to ride the short bus, are measuring 14mm and 11.2mm. And my uterine lining, which normally measures in the mid 8cm in thickness (very good) is only measuring 6cm today (unacceptable). 

Translation?

This double dose feels like a complete waste. It didn't do what it was meant to do in terms of egg recruitment and it thinned my lining to a point that requires me to load up on another synthetic hormone. Now I have an rx for 4mg of estradiol each day. My insurance company initially denied coverage on the prescription and then the pharmacist had to override their judgement in order to fill it for me and additionally expressed concern over the higher-than-normal dosage. We only had about $450 left in our FSA account last I checked which I expected to just about cover this last cycle. But going on the estradiol with such a thin lining means that I need an additional ultrasound before IUI trigger and transfer. So, an extra $180 out of pocket gets thrown at this. 

Fuck off, man. Acupuncture Jane, help me out!

Double Down on the Emotions Part Deux

Oh, Sunshine & Rainbows!

What a turn the day made. Number 1: we got our shipment of wine from the little family vineyard we visited in Napa last month, Bremer. They make the most fabulous wines, oh yesyesyes!

Number 2 requires a quick backstory. Last weekend we needed to go to the Lone Tree branch of CCRM for me to do my cyst check and bloodwork and we had the sweetest most enthusiastic nurse meet with us. I actually told J after we left that if we move to that area some time soon, I would request her as our nurse. Our current nurse is, well, clinical, and not very personable but I thought it would be a karmic no-no to request another nurse. She gets the job done just fine, being the conduit between Dr. M and us.

So I was in the midst of a nice, relaxing yoga session when my phone rang. I don't get many calls these days so I picked it up and SO glad I did! It was our CCRM nurse calling to let me know she'd taken a new position at the university and so our case would be transferred to another nurse. Well, wouldn't ya know, we're being transferred to the awesome nurse from last weekend! I'll call her Lana. She's awesome and I'm so pumped. Turns out, Lone Tree was just her weekend assignment.

Just the good news I needed. It feels like such a good omen. This cycle has to be a good one.

Double Down on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Long time no see, huh? See... the thing is... everything was feeling really stable for a while there. I felt like I was on a really good track going the natural route. And then the Clomid hit.

Well I guess that sounds misleading. Rewind the tape. Go back about 5 weeks. We visited friends in Cali (with a side trip to Napa, woo!) and while we visited this super sweet family with two little boys and a brand new house, I started my CD1. Yep, blood in the panties (ugh, what a gross word, panties, makes my arm hair stand up). Given our surroundings at the time, I guess J and I got to feeling antsy so I made the phone call to CCRM on Monday saying that I'd like to go for another Clomid cycle. A day later, I went for my cyst check, was obviously all clear, and started up the same 50mg clomiphene prescription. The IUI was relatively uneventful and the following two weeks were equally uneventful. I   knew before the two week wait was over that the only thing I was waiting for was the dreaded period. But, lord, did that motherhecker hold out on me. I spotted for 4 days before it finally came through. When I called CCRM to report my CD1 (again) and schedule a cyst check (again), I learned that Dr. M wanted me to try this final IUI cycle with 100 mg.

So we're doing a big, bad double down on the Clomid. In the real-life world, I've had massive drama with my brother; a big fight with my mom due to the drama with brother; we adopted a puppy; I interviewed for a job, got the offer and turned it down; we fell in love with a house, put in an offer, won the bid, and then were told 20 minutes later the other buyers outbid us; ate and drank plenty of things I shouldn't have; and my dad was in a car accident (dad is fine, car is totaled).

ohmigosh.breathe

Through all of that, I frequently found myself thinking, "Gosh you're handling this well. Prior to the acupuncture and yoga biz, you'd be flipping out right now!" Welp! It took me a solid 2+ months to get on that straight & steady track and took 2 days of Clomid for all that hard work to unravel. I just totally fell apart last night. Looking back, I don't even know what the catalyst was. I recall going into the bathroom to get ready for bed and just staring a myself in the mirror. I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness. Cognitively, I knew there was a lot of blame to be placed on the medication, but that surely didn't stop the tears from coming on hard and fast. It's hard to shake the feeling of failure when you believe you're doing everything you can and still finding no success. Helpless.

And then there was the episode (two episodes, coughcough) of Transparent on Amazon Prime that had me choking back tears this morning. Oy. But there was going to be a peak to match my low, dark valley! Two bright spots in my day were on the way...