Failures and Shortcomings

I'm feeling like a major failure right now. I've been putting so much effort towards being positive, optimistic, chill and zen-like.But some days are hard. And then, just when you're coming out of a hard spell, WHAM! A storm comes. In this case, that was literaly what happened.

My parents and brother came out for a week long visit and we had an awesome time. It was a little stressful to keep up with such a long and intense itinerary and constantly be cooking and cleaning and keeping the ducklings going in the right direction. But it was amazing to have so much compact quality time. We had so much fun! The day that they left I was soooo sad. Crying in the car by myself kind of sad. I was dealing, but then J came home from work (late) and asked me what the status was on baby stuff. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was 3 days into a period and see that he really felt hit by it. We had a sad night on the couch. 

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I had an acupuncture appointment and since it had been a week and a half, I was super psyched to be back on the needle table with AJ. It was a solid appointment that left me feeling great and fertility yoga was later that night. Wednesday was my DAY, man! My get-back-to-zen day. Things were feeling good. When yoga was over at about 8:30pm, we had a massive downpour and thunder/lightening storm. And while leaving the parking lot I drove into a concrete pile :( womp womp.

When J came out to the car we figured out that the passenger side door wouldn't open. F*ck. Fast Forward: I took Ravy to a collision guy this morning and the estimate came in at $1450. Jesus help me.

Wait, there's more! They can't take us until September 29. A MONTH AWAY.

Oh, one more thing. The repair will take 4 days and we have........ one..............car. Motherhecker. 

I think it goes without saying that I feel like such a huge failure. It's been over a year and I have no baby. It's been 4 months of unemployment and I have no leads. We've been here nearly 5 months and I have zero friends. I can barely get emails returned to me, from job and friend prospects alike. The volunteering thing is going totally crappy. CCRM and acupuncture have been pricey and I've just rung up about $2000 worth of car repairs. It's sad, but J isn't making me feel any better. I want to feel his support. Anything. Maybe a sentiment like: hey, crap happens, we'll get through this, it's not you, you are not the center of a sh*tstorm.

F.

M.

L.

Is that lame? is that phrase totally over? It is the only thing that feels appropriate to say in this moment.

Eternal Waiting Game

Ah, here we are: the Two Week Wait. The old familiar. Thankfully I'm coming to the end. Well, "thankfully" in that bittersweet way. According to my highly regular cycle, I'll expect CD1 to be on Saturday, smack in the middle of my family visiting. Let's just believe that this aligning of the period stars is a positive - I'll have plenty of distractions during a time that I'm craving love, attention, affection. We've also put together a pretty active itinerary so it will be nice to not feel concerns about heart rate and getting out of breath.

Constantly charting for over a year can play serious mind games with you. Meaning? I've come to learn, much to my surprise, that I have a very regular 28 or 29 day cycle. This has caused two issues for me. 

• #1 - Imagine the gut wrenching shock of finding out I'm not actually preggers after my uber-regular cycle went an extra 5 days <dammit> Anyone who has thought she was pregnant for 5 days knows what happens in your brain in that short time.

• #2 - Despite the regularity of my period and ovulation days every month, nothing else seems to come into a pattern. The pre-period cramps I keep getting always show up on different day patterns prior to CD1 and always feel different. Naturally, that keeps me thinking each and every month that "this one is different, I know it!" <motherhecker> My boobs get super sore in different patterns and then I get some weird things, like dizziness, that will happen some months but not others. Man it's a total mindfuck.

Leading me to my chart focus of the moment: I had this wicked BBT drop on 10DPO which usually signals CD1 is right around the corner. Although that happened about a week early :/ When it swung back up the next day I got overexcited that it had been an implantation dip, woooooo! And then the next morning? Dropped again. Rahr. Sadnesses. But of course, this morning, this little body of mine was hot again! This game will likely continue for the next 3 days, keeping my heart in my throat. Puke.

Just trying to stay distracted, busy, centered. Enjoying yoga and bought myself a cute new mat as a special treat. It'll be great to have family here. They'll be our first visitors from the east coast since we moved out in April!

LH Surge? Whaaa?!

I wanted to check, just to be sure. Just because I'm so damn curious. I took out the cup and dipped the OPK strip in it, truly not expecting anything. There was a faint little line which, to me, was too inconclusive. So I waited another 12 hours and did it again.

My Lord.

Dark double line. My luteinizing hormone is surging. Wowzers. Apparently this "lost cycle" may not be so lost! Oh, the optimism!

I'm attributing this good news to the major lifestyle overhaul of the last 2 weeks. Acupuncture, yoga, meditation and deep breathing, TCM style diet, no alcohol, (almost) no sugar. They were pretty certain at CCRM that I had nearly no shot at ovulation this month due to the cyst. But either way, this is good news :) My body feels healthy and in control of herself. Happy times!

EWCM!

Just a disclaimer - this is definitely a TMI kinda post. If you aren't knee deep in fertility terms, this will probably be too much of an "ick" for you.

For anyone who was lucky enough to get pregs on an "oops" this is likely an unknown. But for the rest of us who have been trying for long months or years, we are very familiar with cervical mucous and the various patterns it goes through during a cycle. Anywhere from dry to sticky to creamy to... egg white! Yeah, gross. Comparing the fluid that leaks from your crotch when you're at your most fertile to a breakfast food is, in my humble opinion, super unappealing.

As unappealing as it is, egg white cervical mucous (EWCM) is both super critical to the babymaking - it helps transport sperm through the scary vagina and cervix into the lovely, welcoming uterus - and it is something I don't have. I've been looking for it every single month over this past year to no avail. I've tried all the tips and tricks like being sure to drink a ton of water so you're fully hydrated and taking mucinex around ovulation to thin out mucous secretions.  Still, nothing.

So imagine my surprise to notice it this morning! What's different? I've had two needling sessions with AJ in the past 11 days. I've taken 8 doses of the fabulous Chinese herbs. I've done 3 or 4 yoga classes. I've gone for 2 legit runs plus an intense trail run. I've been taking some form of the stinky, salt water smelling greens mix for the last 8 days. I'm doing lots of deep breathing exercises, repeating my mantra when I remember. I've had several days of no sugar, no alcohol, no caffeine over the last 2 weeks. I'm making a conscious effort to pull back on processed foods, white flour and refined sugars/carbs. I hate saying this so I'll say it quietly - I'm making a lot of freaking sacrifices here. 

On the other hand, I also feel like I'm finally on a good track. I feel like I'm doing something meaningful, working towards better general health. It seems that my moods and emotions are more even and stable which is a sizable relief for someone so ruled by emotion :) Those are subjective things though. I feel like I got to see a real, tangible side effect of all of this effort. I suppose I could be wrong and it's just a coincidence. But I'm choosing to believe that seeing a hint of EWCM is proof that what I'm doing is working. BAM.

I'm not expecting ovulation this month because of the cyst. But now I'm strongly contemplating giving up the IUI next month also, maybe give myself a shot at a natural conception. By then I'd have about 6 or 7 weeks of this lifestyle change under my belt. Do I dare start thinking of giving up the IUI for another cycle beyond that? That would mean a natural try in the first week of September and the first week of October. That sounds scary and liberating at the same time. But the bottom line here is staying strong with my nutrition and finding joy again. Running down Green Mountain yesterday was so thoroughly enjoyable. Better than eating handcrafted ice cream from Little Man? Well, it sure lasted longer! :)

Field Trip to the East!

Well I guess I'm 100% in the TCM game! I went for my second acupuncture sesh yesterday afternoon and, while I was spending time as a human porcupine, decided to pull the trigger and sign on for the special Chinese herbs. I'm taking something called Xiang Fu, twice a day, as a tea preparation. Obviously, I googled it as soon as I left the office and you'll never believe what I found. Although, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. One of the first results from the search was TCM Wiki! There is a wikipedia for Traditional Chinese Medicine! Ha!

http://www.tcmwiki.com/wiki/xiang-fu <---- There it is in black and white.

Xiang Fu seems to be a relatively straightforward herb used to treat a lot of different things. It seems to be combined with many other herbs to specify its treatment possibilities. But on its own, it is indicated for liver depression and qi stagnation. And based on the last "period" I had, something is definitely stagnating in me. Also, it is the essential herb for regulating qi and menorrhea, and alleviating pain in gynecology for it can regulate qi and blood circulation, soothe stagnant liver qi. These all sound like things my little bod needs some help with.

What is "Qi"? Yeah... It's a tiny word with a lot of meaning. At its base, it refers simply to energy. Here are a few more specifics about it:

• Qi manifests itself in various meridians that run through the body. These meridians, or channels of energy, are the areas that are targeted by acupuncture.
• Qi energy is converted in the body into 4 substances and 2 fluids: Qi, Yin, Yang, Blood & Essence and Moisture. These substances and fluids convert our air, water and food into waste and help the waste leave our bodies.
• Qi forms all of our organs.

My takeaway? Qi is basically the essence of life. Better be nice to it!

AJ really gave me the full needle treatment. There were 3 needles in my head, one in each ear, about 4 in my abdomen, a couple in my knees, a couple in my feet and, to top it all off, one in each of my hands. In that soft spot between your index finger and thumb. It felt really weird! But once she positioned the heat lamp over my belly, I was as good as passed out! This acupuncture thing is awfully relaxing. For now, I'm choosing to buy in, body, mind and soul. That Clomid didn't do me any favors so for now I'm choosing the nature path.