Neurotic & Paranoid

Can you still be pregnant if you don't feel queasy or nauseous anymore?

• I woke up a little hungry but not too bad. 
• I had no need for my requisite bag of Cheerios on the way to work.
• Yogurt for breakfast didn't turn my stomach.
• The raw onions in my bean salad aren't making me want to hurl like they did the last 2 days.

What if my little blueberry stopped growing? What if this is all over? I have to wait an entire 8 days until I go for another check-up.

I've read one too many horror stories about having a great ultrasound and then, expecting everything to be sunshine & daisies at the next appointment, discover that the little life apparently flickered out just in the day or two after that beautiful photo op. (Well, frankly, if I've read 10 stories of that happening then it's about ten too many...) My boobs barely hurt anymore. The weirdo pregnancy-insomnia seems to be gone. Is this because I had an acupuncture appointment on Saturday? Is that why all the symptoms feel better?? Or did all that needling disrupt the perfect harmony in my body and make everything stop? :(

Gosh I want to be positive but this is just gnawing and me deeper and deeper with each passing minute! I totally have the sads right now.

No Beta Dramas Here

My dear nurse Lana took her sweet time calling with my blood test results today. I mean, I still love the girl and I know she has a serious job, of which phone calls are only a small part, and always done in the late afternoon. But daaaaaaamn I thought I'd hear back before 4pm! I was totally zen til maybe 2pm when I started falling asleep at my desk and feeling anxious to just call it a day.

I waited and waited for hours and hours. I checked my phone and email over and over again in case there was any message that came in during the 3 seconds that I wasn't paying attention. When Lana finally called, when I had completely given up on hearing today, I was in the car blasting music and completely missed the call. Doh! But, being the fab nurse she is, she left me a perfect message full of detail!

hCG Level: 2673 mIU/ml (CCRM wants to see it over 50) 

Progesterone Level: 73.8 nmol/L (should be between 32.6 and 140)

Bottom line? At 19dpiui, I'm pretty gosh darn pregs and Dr. M sees no reason to do a follow up beta test. Woo! I'm supposed to call back tomorrow to schedule my first ultrasound. squeeeeeee!

I thought I'd done a good job of staying chill all day while I waited around, but as I listened to her message and began tearing up (let's be straight, I was on the verge of hyperventilating), I finally realized how much anxiety I'd been holding. Would the number indicate a chemical pregnancy? What about ectopic? Would it just be low enough to cause general concern about the viability? When I listened to her recount the numbers in the message, my jaw literally dropped. It was so much higher than I expected! 

The news makes me feel a little more confident about telling my family over Thanksgiving. Even though it's traditionally "too soon," I can't imagine not sharing this news face to face and, sadly, I have no idea when I'll get to see them all again. We still will wait to tell J's family until they visit us at the end of December. At that point, we'll be closer to the second trimester. Not sure when I'll actually get to have the ultrasound since I'll only be in town until next Monday. That will mark 5 weeks and I'm sure that will be too early. Waiting over a week until I'm back in Denver is going to build up some crazy anticipation!

The month of November is carrying an unreal amount of gratitude for me this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe! <3

Field Trip to the East!

Well I guess I'm 100% in the TCM game! I went for my second acupuncture sesh yesterday afternoon and, while I was spending time as a human porcupine, decided to pull the trigger and sign on for the special Chinese herbs. I'm taking something called Xiang Fu, twice a day, as a tea preparation. Obviously, I googled it as soon as I left the office and you'll never believe what I found. Although, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. One of the first results from the search was TCM Wiki! There is a wikipedia for Traditional Chinese Medicine! Ha!

http://www.tcmwiki.com/wiki/xiang-fu <---- There it is in black and white.

Xiang Fu seems to be a relatively straightforward herb used to treat a lot of different things. It seems to be combined with many other herbs to specify its treatment possibilities. But on its own, it is indicated for liver depression and qi stagnation. And based on the last "period" I had, something is definitely stagnating in me. Also, it is the essential herb for regulating qi and menorrhea, and alleviating pain in gynecology for it can regulate qi and blood circulation, soothe stagnant liver qi. These all sound like things my little bod needs some help with.

What is "Qi"? Yeah... It's a tiny word with a lot of meaning. At its base, it refers simply to energy. Here are a few more specifics about it:

• Qi manifests itself in various meridians that run through the body. These meridians, or channels of energy, are the areas that are targeted by acupuncture.
• Qi energy is converted in the body into 4 substances and 2 fluids: Qi, Yin, Yang, Blood & Essence and Moisture. These substances and fluids convert our air, water and food into waste and help the waste leave our bodies.
• Qi forms all of our organs.

My takeaway? Qi is basically the essence of life. Better be nice to it!

AJ really gave me the full needle treatment. There were 3 needles in my head, one in each ear, about 4 in my abdomen, a couple in my knees, a couple in my feet and, to top it all off, one in each of my hands. In that soft spot between your index finger and thumb. It felt really weird! But once she positioned the heat lamp over my belly, I was as good as passed out! This acupuncture thing is awfully relaxing. For now, I'm choosing to buy in, body, mind and soul. That Clomid didn't do me any favors so for now I'm choosing the nature path.

Shoot 'Em Up

... Ovidrel style!

So I managed to "administer" my injection last night. Don't you just love the euphemistic medical language? I poked myself with a needle. Yowzers. My entire life I have been terrified of needles. I would practically hyperventilate when going in for routine bloodwork. Probably until I was, say, 26 when I strangely was compelled to start donating blood. Racing heart, sweaty palms... I can't say I was a strong candidate for self-administering an injection. On the other hand, all of this fertility nonsense has me pretty accustomed to needles now. Surely I do not enjoy a needle to the arm (or belly, or anywhere at all), but if I look away I can handle myself at least.

Of course, the Ovidrel injection required that I look directly at that little pinch of belly fat while I stabbed it with a "quick dart motion."

I made J count down from 5 for me after the alcohol had dried over the injection site. Elizabeth was right, I hardly felt a thing. The anticipation of sticking myself, along with the sight of a syringe sticking out of my abdomen, were positively the worst parts of the whole experience.

I hope with all of my heart I never have to do it again. Not because it was that awful, I could absolutely do it again, with my eyes shut I bet! We just want this to be over. We want this to be it. No more cycles, no more drugs, no more OPK strips, no more weekly envelopes in the mail from Cigna. Just a big, fat positive on my next test.