9 Weeks Graduated!

Well there's Little H. I got to visit with him/her yesterday at my CCRM graduation appointment. Those folks there are really fab and I especially love Ruby, the new lab technician. Emily has been a sweet ultrasound tech, doing nearly every one of my appointments, and Dr. M herself gave me a lot of confidence in the two appointments we had with her. My new nurse, Lana, as darling as she is, was really only the harbinger of my exciting change of status - I've hardly seen her at all since she was assigned to me only for our pregnancy cycle. But, when all is said and done, I don't want to see any of them ever again!! If you've had to work with a fertility clinic, you know what I mean. If you've been diagnosed as "unexplained infertile," you get it. I'll spend the next 18-24 months praying that the next time I want to be pregnant, I'll be able to do it the good ol' fashioned way. I mean, who knows?! Stranger things have certainly happened.

So I was very unceremoniously graduated from the clinic yesterday, praise god. The u/s tech and my nurse were extremely pleased with how the little bugger was measuring and moving. My, oh, my, this little one has places to be! We got a look at him at approximately 2:30 in the afternoon and he looked like he was getting set to sprint across some imaginary finish line! Hands were waving, feets were shuffling, it was really incredible. And I could see her little heart muscle pump-pump-pumping. Emily was especially enamored with her feet flying around. The head is laying near my right side and the feet extend sideways to my left. Seems like an odd position but what do I know...

At 9w4d I am feeling remarkably unpregnant. Virtually no nausea and my exhaustion could easily be chalked up to the crazy move we did about 10 days ago and my daily 5:20am alarm setting. Not feeling crazy emotional either, peeing seems to be a rather normal schedule. Some days I feel nervous about the lack of typical symptoms, but Nurse Erin said to roll with it and love every minute. So that is what I shall do :) I do have pretty tender boobs though. And a funny moment today: one of my colleagues is in her 2nd trimester and I was in a meeting with her this morning that wrapped up close to 12. She was commenting that we really needed to finish soon cause she just had to eat and I agreed saying, "Yeah I'm ravenous. I don't know why I'm so hungry!" Her response to me? Amusingly: "Hey, maybe you're pregnant." Haha. yeah, maybe I am ;)

Thus far, I think I've been subconsciously very guarded about this little one. While I've been very outwardly excited with anyone who knows, deeper in my heart I keep feeling concern and I think I've been staying a bit disconnected. In a way that's an easy default setting for me because of how difficult the last year+ has been. And I'm sure most first-tri mommies go through that when there aren't many (or any) physical signs of what's happening. But now, after such a strong showing at her 9 week appointment, I think I'm ready to really go all-in, emotionally. I also took a hospital tour over the weekend and that helped push me forward a bit. Our chances of having a healthy, full-term birth are no better or worse than anyone else's - I need to just believe in this, 100%, no questions asked. So I'm going for it.

Emily printed several extra copies of our best u/s images and I promptly cut them out and placed them in the engraved silver frames that are currently on a flight to my dad in NY and my grandmother in FL. The news is seriously on its way and we plan to tell the family friends we're spending Christmas with. 

Surprise! 

Baby H

Arriving July 2015

5 weeks, 4 days

So here we are, still pregs. I've been reading a crapload of fertility blogs since the summer and it's always been interesting for me to see which women continue to post after a positive test and which feel like it's time to move on. It seems that for many who decide not to continue, there's a concern of making other infertile sisters who are still going through the ringer feel bad by posting all the fun pregnancy updates. And you know, I totally respect that decision and understand those feelings. I think I'm in a different boat at this point... Here are some thoughts.

1. This blog got started with the purpose of sorting out my feelings because, since our move to CO from the east coast, I have few friends that I feel comfortable sharing all of this information with. And J, being the stoic that he is, can only handle so much of my chatter. The other purpose was to have a holding place to document and summarize everything I was doing on this journey. And my feeling is that this journey continues, just with a new chapter.
2. Let's be real - not many people read this! I only have one friend who I shared this link with and since we don't get to catch up nearly as much as we'd like, I'm thinking she's open to reading all my blather whenever she gets time on the train ;)
3. I've been totally freaked since yesterday evening that there is cause for concern and I'll be calling my nurse in about 20 minutes when the office opens. I was lightheaded or dizzy very frequently over the weekend and that was accompanied by a fabulous stabbing pain in my lower right side last night. These are two things she cautioned me about with the words: Call Me. My frenemy, Google, explains that these can be symptoms of an ectopic. Jesus, that's all I need. It makes me sad to think that I'd step away from this blogy thing because I got good news and then as soon as something bad happens, I come running back. Isn't it better to have happy things to write about, too?? :)

I'd hate to think that my course of reasoning sounds selfish or cold. I hope that it makes sense. There are plenty of wonderful, beautiful, and, at times, heart wrenching stories being shared out there in the blogosphere. And if you stumble across mine and it doesn't resonate... Well it's totally cool to move on until you find something that's the right fit. I know I've certainly done my share of blog surfing, passing on the stories that I just know I won't be able to stick with for one reason or another.

And in the meantime I'm going to continue to silently lose my sh!t here at my desk until my nurse calls me with useful information.

It Takes Two to Tango? Try Six...

This morning was IUI transfer day, take 3! Alarm at 5:20am, J's contribution at 7am, time for breakfast in between, the transfer at 9am. I was home to walk the doggie by 10:10.

The normal math of having a baby is pretty basic: 1+1=3. Being infertile, however, math never works the way it's supposed to. I had to laugh this morning when I was up on the table, naked legs spread-eagled and there were 4 of us in the small little mood-lit room. One of the techs remarked, "Don't they say it takes a village?" just as I was saying "How many people does it take to have a baby?"

Today, there were six of us: me, J, the andrologist Edde, the tech who measured my lining again, the nurse who did my transfer and the nurse who was training her. But how can you leave Dr. M out of it? Or our nurse who just left the practice and talked me through all of the protocols? Or our new nurse who is such a ray of sunshine?? That's nine folks, there. That number doesn't include some of the nurses who have filled in "ad hoc" like Carolyn and Sara or the tech in Denver who always does my ultrasounds, Jessica. Twelve. Really?

I suppose when all is said and done in two weeks, maybe there is no baby and so counting up how many people were directly involved today is kinda silly. On the other hand, I just have this *feeling* like this could actually be the one. There's just this pervasive feeling in me this afternoon that the stars are all aligning. 

Hopefully next week I'll be starting a contract position with a great company that I'm pretty fired up about. I hope that will set my mind at ease about my professional situation. And the reason I needed so many people this morning to help with the IUI is because of my wonky cervix. I've had a total of 5 procedures that involved a catheter going through the cervix and this was the only one that didn't hurt like hell. The nurse was super gentle and slow and the observing nurse brought the tech back in to ultrasound my belly so that there was visual guidance for the catheter. It went in so smoothly and I got to see onscreen the transfer of J's little soldiers straight into my uterus. So neat! There's just something about that moment that irrationally makes me feel like this must be it. Maybe a year from now, it will actually be just two to tango, plus a little one asleep in the nursery ;)

This could be my new math lesson: 1+1+4=3

Never Out Of The Woods....

Damn. Just when you think everything is moving on the right track and you're good as gold, synthetic hormones rear their ugly heads.

It was just hours ago that I was feeling super optimistic and hopeful about this cycle. And then I went in for the post-Clomid follicle check. 

<crash>

As I mentioned, my dose was doubled this cycle to 100mg in hopes of higher egg recruitment. Didn't do much... My largest follicle is measuring 18.9mm and the next two, in the left ovary that loves to ride the short bus, are measuring 14mm and 11.2mm. And my uterine lining, which normally measures in the mid 8cm in thickness (very good) is only measuring 6cm today (unacceptable). 

Translation?

This double dose feels like a complete waste. It didn't do what it was meant to do in terms of egg recruitment and it thinned my lining to a point that requires me to load up on another synthetic hormone. Now I have an rx for 4mg of estradiol each day. My insurance company initially denied coverage on the prescription and then the pharmacist had to override their judgement in order to fill it for me and additionally expressed concern over the higher-than-normal dosage. We only had about $450 left in our FSA account last I checked which I expected to just about cover this last cycle. But going on the estradiol with such a thin lining means that I need an additional ultrasound before IUI trigger and transfer. So, an extra $180 out of pocket gets thrown at this. 

Fuck off, man. Acupuncture Jane, help me out!

Double Down on the Emotions Part Deux

Oh, Sunshine & Rainbows!

What a turn the day made. Number 1: we got our shipment of wine from the little family vineyard we visited in Napa last month, Bremer. They make the most fabulous wines, oh yesyesyes!

Number 2 requires a quick backstory. Last weekend we needed to go to the Lone Tree branch of CCRM for me to do my cyst check and bloodwork and we had the sweetest most enthusiastic nurse meet with us. I actually told J after we left that if we move to that area some time soon, I would request her as our nurse. Our current nurse is, well, clinical, and not very personable but I thought it would be a karmic no-no to request another nurse. She gets the job done just fine, being the conduit between Dr. M and us.

So I was in the midst of a nice, relaxing yoga session when my phone rang. I don't get many calls these days so I picked it up and SO glad I did! It was our CCRM nurse calling to let me know she'd taken a new position at the university and so our case would be transferred to another nurse. Well, wouldn't ya know, we're being transferred to the awesome nurse from last weekend! I'll call her Lana. She's awesome and I'm so pumped. Turns out, Lone Tree was just her weekend assignment.

Just the good news I needed. It feels like such a good omen. This cycle has to be a good one.

Double Down on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Long time no see, huh? See... the thing is... everything was feeling really stable for a while there. I felt like I was on a really good track going the natural route. And then the Clomid hit.

Well I guess that sounds misleading. Rewind the tape. Go back about 5 weeks. We visited friends in Cali (with a side trip to Napa, woo!) and while we visited this super sweet family with two little boys and a brand new house, I started my CD1. Yep, blood in the panties (ugh, what a gross word, panties, makes my arm hair stand up). Given our surroundings at the time, I guess J and I got to feeling antsy so I made the phone call to CCRM on Monday saying that I'd like to go for another Clomid cycle. A day later, I went for my cyst check, was obviously all clear, and started up the same 50mg clomiphene prescription. The IUI was relatively uneventful and the following two weeks were equally uneventful. I   knew before the two week wait was over that the only thing I was waiting for was the dreaded period. But, lord, did that motherhecker hold out on me. I spotted for 4 days before it finally came through. When I called CCRM to report my CD1 (again) and schedule a cyst check (again), I learned that Dr. M wanted me to try this final IUI cycle with 100 mg.

So we're doing a big, bad double down on the Clomid. In the real-life world, I've had massive drama with my brother; a big fight with my mom due to the drama with brother; we adopted a puppy; I interviewed for a job, got the offer and turned it down; we fell in love with a house, put in an offer, won the bid, and then were told 20 minutes later the other buyers outbid us; ate and drank plenty of things I shouldn't have; and my dad was in a car accident (dad is fine, car is totaled).

ohmigosh.breathe

Through all of that, I frequently found myself thinking, "Gosh you're handling this well. Prior to the acupuncture and yoga biz, you'd be flipping out right now!" Welp! It took me a solid 2+ months to get on that straight & steady track and took 2 days of Clomid for all that hard work to unravel. I just totally fell apart last night. Looking back, I don't even know what the catalyst was. I recall going into the bathroom to get ready for bed and just staring a myself in the mirror. I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness. Cognitively, I knew there was a lot of blame to be placed on the medication, but that surely didn't stop the tears from coming on hard and fast. It's hard to shake the feeling of failure when you believe you're doing everything you can and still finding no success. Helpless.

And then there was the episode (two episodes, coughcough) of Transparent on Amazon Prime that had me choking back tears this morning. Oy. But there was going to be a peak to match my low, dark valley! Two bright spots in my day were on the way...

EWCM!

Just a disclaimer - this is definitely a TMI kinda post. If you aren't knee deep in fertility terms, this will probably be too much of an "ick" for you.

For anyone who was lucky enough to get pregs on an "oops" this is likely an unknown. But for the rest of us who have been trying for long months or years, we are very familiar with cervical mucous and the various patterns it goes through during a cycle. Anywhere from dry to sticky to creamy to... egg white! Yeah, gross. Comparing the fluid that leaks from your crotch when you're at your most fertile to a breakfast food is, in my humble opinion, super unappealing.

As unappealing as it is, egg white cervical mucous (EWCM) is both super critical to the babymaking - it helps transport sperm through the scary vagina and cervix into the lovely, welcoming uterus - and it is something I don't have. I've been looking for it every single month over this past year to no avail. I've tried all the tips and tricks like being sure to drink a ton of water so you're fully hydrated and taking mucinex around ovulation to thin out mucous secretions.  Still, nothing.

So imagine my surprise to notice it this morning! What's different? I've had two needling sessions with AJ in the past 11 days. I've taken 8 doses of the fabulous Chinese herbs. I've done 3 or 4 yoga classes. I've gone for 2 legit runs plus an intense trail run. I've been taking some form of the stinky, salt water smelling greens mix for the last 8 days. I'm doing lots of deep breathing exercises, repeating my mantra when I remember. I've had several days of no sugar, no alcohol, no caffeine over the last 2 weeks. I'm making a conscious effort to pull back on processed foods, white flour and refined sugars/carbs. I hate saying this so I'll say it quietly - I'm making a lot of freaking sacrifices here. 

On the other hand, I also feel like I'm finally on a good track. I feel like I'm doing something meaningful, working towards better general health. It seems that my moods and emotions are more even and stable which is a sizable relief for someone so ruled by emotion :) Those are subjective things though. I feel like I got to see a real, tangible side effect of all of this effort. I suppose I could be wrong and it's just a coincidence. But I'm choosing to believe that seeing a hint of EWCM is proof that what I'm doing is working. BAM.

I'm not expecting ovulation this month because of the cyst. But now I'm strongly contemplating giving up the IUI next month also, maybe give myself a shot at a natural conception. By then I'd have about 6 or 7 weeks of this lifestyle change under my belt. Do I dare start thinking of giving up the IUI for another cycle beyond that? That would mean a natural try in the first week of September and the first week of October. That sounds scary and liberating at the same time. But the bottom line here is staying strong with my nutrition and finding joy again. Running down Green Mountain yesterday was so thoroughly enjoyable. Better than eating handcrafted ice cream from Little Man? Well, it sure lasted longer! :)

Fertility Yoga & Sugar Oops

Interesting experience... When I sent my freak out email to Jane the acupuncturist she, among many other calming and wise words, suggested that I come by for the fertility yoga class that they host on Tuesdays. Last night was also my first experience using Uber. J was supposed to get home in time for me to take the car, but his 21 mile commute turned into a one hour, fifty minute odyssey complete with car accidents and construction. Uber it was. Pretty decent experience, I would definitely call them up again.

The class was small and intimate, just 6 of us. Everyone spent a couple minutes introducing themselves and talking about their journey up to this point. There were some pretty diverse stories. The instructor has been at this now for 10 years and has adopted 2 foster children in the meantime. We did super relaxing breathing and movement and with such a slow pace, there were a couple of poses that felt really strong and intense. We were told to come up with a personal mantra at the beginning and then used that throughout the practice. Superstitiously speaking, or maybe for some mysterious spiritual reason, I don't know if you're supposed to share these things. But. Why not? There's probably something good about putting it out there in the big wide world. I want so badly to feel happy and fulfilled again so I'm starting with the "fake it til you make it" concept. Here's mine: I am happy. I have the health to be pregnant. There. It's out there. Hope it works, haha!

In my quick and dirty research on TCM so far, it is clear that balanced health is key. I believe that I've had relatively good health, but I think that I've developed a few bad dietary habits that may have been fine in moderation, but for me have just thrown the whole system out of balance. Number 1 is my sugar addiction. I absolutely love sweets, desserts, sugar, carbs. Nom nom nom, gimmie more! Sadly, though, I think I've really hit the max intake, like for a lifetime, and have messed up my balance. (PS, I was also on various forms and brands of birth control for about 16 years. Surely that can't have been good for "balance.") As of Saturday, I decided now is the time to go all-in with my diet. All of the sugar is bad for my health in a general sense, but what is that's the obstacle that's keeping my uterus from being a happy, healthy home?! That would be crazy. So giving it up can only help.

But moving on to my "oops." Acupuncture Jane (that's a lot to type, I'm gonna go with AJ from here on out) suggested that I may want to try out gluten free for a bit. I don't want to go hardcore or anything, but just try to have fewer wheat products in my diet. Somehow I stumbled upon a gluten free waffle recipe this morning and thought it was a great idea (it wasn't). The waffles were not that tasty. And the recipe turned out to have a lot of sugar in it. I should have really looked at the recipe before I started. Doh. Frankly, I'm feeling the effects. It feels like my heart is going too fast, like I'm having anxiety. I was good for three days, now I feel crappy.

Gotta get back on that healthy horse now! Carrot pancakes and arugula salad for dinner.

The Lost Cycle

I knew something was off but had no thoughts on what it could be. I got the period, but a day late. That on its own is unusual for me. It showed early Saturday morning as we were getting ready in Breck for a huge hike we'd planned. I was fully prepared for an uncomfortable hike - advil, prescription pain killers, extra tissues and plenty of lady supplies in a ziplock bag.

A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.

Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.

I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.

I'm lost.

Experimenting with TCM

Yay! More acronyms! TCM has floated around in various blogs I've meandered through and some fertility books and websites. The acronym doesn't usually "stick" for me and I need to go look it up, but I think it's here to stay. Traditional Chinese Medicine.

When we first met with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, she did mention that I may want to consider acupuncture, as several of her patients had seen some success in pairing the western medicine ART techniques in which CCRM specializes and traditional eastern methods with which many of us in the US are unfamiliar. My takeaway by the time of our regroup in June was that our numbers were so strong, an IUI was sure to be a success - I'd consider the additional spend on acupuncture only if the IUI didn't work.

So it was only one unsuccessful round for the IUI. I haven't totally lost hope or anything. But I just figure, if a little needle poking and some of the dietary wisdom from the ancient Chinese can only assist my attempts at 'assisted reproduction,' why not go for it? I anticipate starting the Clomid again tomorrow and having another transfer two Thursdays from now. In the meantime, as part of my TCM experiment, I've had my first acupuncture session, I ordered a recommended book (The Infertility Cure), set up two more acu appointments related to my IUI schedule, and started up 3 additional supplements - Vitamin D 4000 mcg, methylated folate and a spirulina based greens powder. Dr. Jane has also prescribed me yoga at least 1-3x a week and aerobic exercise 3-5x, as well as a particular kind of meditative deep breathing.

When I read things like bananas encouraging "dampness," and are therefore something I should avoid, I admit I feel some skepticism. But it's also the same practice that discourages refined sugars, processed foods and stress. That all makes good sense to me! If I need to avoid bananas in favor of plenty of other veggies, fruits and good grains, I guess I can make it work. Like I said, it is a bit of an experiment, but it is also something I'm trying to approach with an open mind and some enthusiasm. Cause hey, you never know!

Secrecy

Growing up I got stuck keeping the huge family secret about my dad. Years went by that I kept this massive, confusing, looming issue from my friends and all of my extended family. In my teenage years, stuff with my dad became increasingly awkward, the secret became more and more difficult to keep, and once my parents decided to divorce, life at home was just so... icky. But I had so many of those pressing "teenager issues" like classes, grades, crushes and boyfriends, college plans, popularity, friends, plans for the weekend... So I often pushed aside the feelings about my dad and family and continued keeping the secret, whether or not it was the right thing for me.

When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.

Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.

Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.

Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...

Well, on the other hand, infertility freaking sucks the big one. It can be months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartbreak. Wouldn't it be nice to gather up as much support as possible? And what about all those awkward conversations and small talk chats that make you want to crawl in a hole and pluck your eye lashes out one at a time? "So when are youuuuuu guys gonna have one, sweetie?" At the most recent baby shower: "Well you two have been married a while now. I bet YOU'LL be the next one!" Yeah. Right. Not if my last year of failures is any indication... Wouldn't it be a relief to just come clean with the whole thing? Maybe it would preclude those little stabs to the heart that people think are so innocent. Some support or even just silence on the topic would be welcome. 

I just don't know. Like I said, it's such a personal topic. Everyone and every couple need to approach it the best way they see fit. But I've been feeling differently about it nearly every day of the week. I don't want to be the focus of family pity but I'd also love to experience a little sensitivity when family wants to discuss everyone else's amazing babies. 

More than anything though, I want to stop keeping ugly secrets. A lifetime of this just can't be good for the soul.