Neurotic & Paranoid

Can you still be pregnant if you don't feel queasy or nauseous anymore?

• I woke up a little hungry but not too bad. 
• I had no need for my requisite bag of Cheerios on the way to work.
• Yogurt for breakfast didn't turn my stomach.
• The raw onions in my bean salad aren't making me want to hurl like they did the last 2 days.

What if my little blueberry stopped growing? What if this is all over? I have to wait an entire 8 days until I go for another check-up.

I've read one too many horror stories about having a great ultrasound and then, expecting everything to be sunshine & daisies at the next appointment, discover that the little life apparently flickered out just in the day or two after that beautiful photo op. (Well, frankly, if I've read 10 stories of that happening then it's about ten too many...) My boobs barely hurt anymore. The weirdo pregnancy-insomnia seems to be gone. Is this because I had an acupuncture appointment on Saturday? Is that why all the symptoms feel better?? Or did all that needling disrupt the perfect harmony in my body and make everything stop? :(

Gosh I want to be positive but this is just gnawing and me deeper and deeper with each passing minute! I totally have the sads right now.

No Beta Dramas Here

My dear nurse Lana took her sweet time calling with my blood test results today. I mean, I still love the girl and I know she has a serious job, of which phone calls are only a small part, and always done in the late afternoon. But daaaaaaamn I thought I'd hear back before 4pm! I was totally zen til maybe 2pm when I started falling asleep at my desk and feeling anxious to just call it a day.

I waited and waited for hours and hours. I checked my phone and email over and over again in case there was any message that came in during the 3 seconds that I wasn't paying attention. When Lana finally called, when I had completely given up on hearing today, I was in the car blasting music and completely missed the call. Doh! But, being the fab nurse she is, she left me a perfect message full of detail!

hCG Level: 2673 mIU/ml (CCRM wants to see it over 50) 

Progesterone Level: 73.8 nmol/L (should be between 32.6 and 140)

Bottom line? At 19dpiui, I'm pretty gosh darn pregs and Dr. M sees no reason to do a follow up beta test. Woo! I'm supposed to call back tomorrow to schedule my first ultrasound. squeeeeeee!

I thought I'd done a good job of staying chill all day while I waited around, but as I listened to her message and began tearing up (let's be straight, I was on the verge of hyperventilating), I finally realized how much anxiety I'd been holding. Would the number indicate a chemical pregnancy? What about ectopic? Would it just be low enough to cause general concern about the viability? When I listened to her recount the numbers in the message, my jaw literally dropped. It was so much higher than I expected! 

The news makes me feel a little more confident about telling my family over Thanksgiving. Even though it's traditionally "too soon," I can't imagine not sharing this news face to face and, sadly, I have no idea when I'll get to see them all again. We still will wait to tell J's family until they visit us at the end of December. At that point, we'll be closer to the second trimester. Not sure when I'll actually get to have the ultrasound since I'll only be in town until next Monday. That will mark 5 weeks and I'm sure that will be too early. Waiting over a week until I'm back in Denver is going to build up some crazy anticipation!

The month of November is carrying an unreal amount of gratitude for me this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe! <3

Never Out Of The Woods....

Damn. Just when you think everything is moving on the right track and you're good as gold, synthetic hormones rear their ugly heads.

It was just hours ago that I was feeling super optimistic and hopeful about this cycle. And then I went in for the post-Clomid follicle check. 

<crash>

As I mentioned, my dose was doubled this cycle to 100mg in hopes of higher egg recruitment. Didn't do much... My largest follicle is measuring 18.9mm and the next two, in the left ovary that loves to ride the short bus, are measuring 14mm and 11.2mm. And my uterine lining, which normally measures in the mid 8cm in thickness (very good) is only measuring 6cm today (unacceptable). 

Translation?

This double dose feels like a complete waste. It didn't do what it was meant to do in terms of egg recruitment and it thinned my lining to a point that requires me to load up on another synthetic hormone. Now I have an rx for 4mg of estradiol each day. My insurance company initially denied coverage on the prescription and then the pharmacist had to override their judgement in order to fill it for me and additionally expressed concern over the higher-than-normal dosage. We only had about $450 left in our FSA account last I checked which I expected to just about cover this last cycle. But going on the estradiol with such a thin lining means that I need an additional ultrasound before IUI trigger and transfer. So, an extra $180 out of pocket gets thrown at this. 

Fuck off, man. Acupuncture Jane, help me out!

Reclaiming Joy

It is so painfully easy to lose yourself in the process once someone stamps you as "infertile." It hurts. It's painful. And you want to find whatever solution you can think of to put the battle behind you. While you're busy researching fertility clinics, deciding on the best supplements and resetting your lifestyle, the goal you're after can become so much of your focus that you forget what life used to be.

The last year and a half has brought so much change that I don't even remember what my life is "supposed" to be like. But what I do know is that most of the time I've been feeling anxious, uncertain and inadequate. Certainly those feelings began to creep in last fall when, month after month, there was no positive test, but it really intensified in May when my contract was up with my old company. In a way, it was the symbolic last tie to my "old" life that I had loved so much.

Despite common professional stressors, life was good in New York. I remember the unbridled joy I often felt just walking through the Theater District on my way home or going for a run in Central Park. Since we've left, I do have my moments of joy and excitement, but so often those feelings are overshadowed by disappointment and discouragement.

One of the first pieces of advice that Acupuncture Jane gave me was to "find joy" which, honestly, had me stumped for a couple weeks. But I put a lot of effort towards reminding myself of the things that made me happy and being more conscious of those little natural things that would put a smile on my face. In Colorado, the sky is just an amazing work of art. Realizing that it was something I enjoyed, I've now tried to really focus my attention towards appreciating those gorgeous skyscapes many times a day. I pushed myself to do things that I was interested in with the hope that I might find a pocket of joy hiding somewhere. So I've tried doing more running and yoga and those things make me feel like I'm reclaiming myself. Which naturally leads to moments of joy and fulfillment.

In the car today I had the windows down with the hot sun warming me up from the air conditioning I'd just been enveloped in. With some old school Dave Matthews Band flowing, life just felt so good. I want to remember to shine more light on these moments and give them all the attention they deserve. And I'd also like to put some more thought into making moments like that. Life is so short that the idea of waiting for moments of joy to fall in your lap seems short sighted. What can we do in life to make our own joy without it feeling manufactured?

Failures and Shortcomings

I'm feeling like a major failure right now. I've been putting so much effort towards being positive, optimistic, chill and zen-like.But some days are hard. And then, just when you're coming out of a hard spell, WHAM! A storm comes. In this case, that was literaly what happened.

My parents and brother came out for a week long visit and we had an awesome time. It was a little stressful to keep up with such a long and intense itinerary and constantly be cooking and cleaning and keeping the ducklings going in the right direction. But it was amazing to have so much compact quality time. We had so much fun! The day that they left I was soooo sad. Crying in the car by myself kind of sad. I was dealing, but then J came home from work (late) and asked me what the status was on baby stuff. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was 3 days into a period and see that he really felt hit by it. We had a sad night on the couch. 

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I had an acupuncture appointment and since it had been a week and a half, I was super psyched to be back on the needle table with AJ. It was a solid appointment that left me feeling great and fertility yoga was later that night. Wednesday was my DAY, man! My get-back-to-zen day. Things were feeling good. When yoga was over at about 8:30pm, we had a massive downpour and thunder/lightening storm. And while leaving the parking lot I drove into a concrete pile :( womp womp.

When J came out to the car we figured out that the passenger side door wouldn't open. F*ck. Fast Forward: I took Ravy to a collision guy this morning and the estimate came in at $1450. Jesus help me.

Wait, there's more! They can't take us until September 29. A MONTH AWAY.

Oh, one more thing. The repair will take 4 days and we have........ one..............car. Motherhecker. 

I think it goes without saying that I feel like such a huge failure. It's been over a year and I have no baby. It's been 4 months of unemployment and I have no leads. We've been here nearly 5 months and I have zero friends. I can barely get emails returned to me, from job and friend prospects alike. The volunteering thing is going totally crappy. CCRM and acupuncture have been pricey and I've just rung up about $2000 worth of car repairs. It's sad, but J isn't making me feel any better. I want to feel his support. Anything. Maybe a sentiment like: hey, crap happens, we'll get through this, it's not you, you are not the center of a sh*tstorm.

F.

M.

L.

Is that lame? is that phrase totally over? It is the only thing that feels appropriate to say in this moment.

EWCM!

Just a disclaimer - this is definitely a TMI kinda post. If you aren't knee deep in fertility terms, this will probably be too much of an "ick" for you.

For anyone who was lucky enough to get pregs on an "oops" this is likely an unknown. But for the rest of us who have been trying for long months or years, we are very familiar with cervical mucous and the various patterns it goes through during a cycle. Anywhere from dry to sticky to creamy to... egg white! Yeah, gross. Comparing the fluid that leaks from your crotch when you're at your most fertile to a breakfast food is, in my humble opinion, super unappealing.

As unappealing as it is, egg white cervical mucous (EWCM) is both super critical to the babymaking - it helps transport sperm through the scary vagina and cervix into the lovely, welcoming uterus - and it is something I don't have. I've been looking for it every single month over this past year to no avail. I've tried all the tips and tricks like being sure to drink a ton of water so you're fully hydrated and taking mucinex around ovulation to thin out mucous secretions.  Still, nothing.

So imagine my surprise to notice it this morning! What's different? I've had two needling sessions with AJ in the past 11 days. I've taken 8 doses of the fabulous Chinese herbs. I've done 3 or 4 yoga classes. I've gone for 2 legit runs plus an intense trail run. I've been taking some form of the stinky, salt water smelling greens mix for the last 8 days. I'm doing lots of deep breathing exercises, repeating my mantra when I remember. I've had several days of no sugar, no alcohol, no caffeine over the last 2 weeks. I'm making a conscious effort to pull back on processed foods, white flour and refined sugars/carbs. I hate saying this so I'll say it quietly - I'm making a lot of freaking sacrifices here. 

On the other hand, I also feel like I'm finally on a good track. I feel like I'm doing something meaningful, working towards better general health. It seems that my moods and emotions are more even and stable which is a sizable relief for someone so ruled by emotion :) Those are subjective things though. I feel like I got to see a real, tangible side effect of all of this effort. I suppose I could be wrong and it's just a coincidence. But I'm choosing to believe that seeing a hint of EWCM is proof that what I'm doing is working. BAM.

I'm not expecting ovulation this month because of the cyst. But now I'm strongly contemplating giving up the IUI next month also, maybe give myself a shot at a natural conception. By then I'd have about 6 or 7 weeks of this lifestyle change under my belt. Do I dare start thinking of giving up the IUI for another cycle beyond that? That would mean a natural try in the first week of September and the first week of October. That sounds scary and liberating at the same time. But the bottom line here is staying strong with my nutrition and finding joy again. Running down Green Mountain yesterday was so thoroughly enjoyable. Better than eating handcrafted ice cream from Little Man? Well, it sure lasted longer! :)

Field Trip to the East!

Well I guess I'm 100% in the TCM game! I went for my second acupuncture sesh yesterday afternoon and, while I was spending time as a human porcupine, decided to pull the trigger and sign on for the special Chinese herbs. I'm taking something called Xiang Fu, twice a day, as a tea preparation. Obviously, I googled it as soon as I left the office and you'll never believe what I found. Although, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. One of the first results from the search was TCM Wiki! There is a wikipedia for Traditional Chinese Medicine! Ha!

http://www.tcmwiki.com/wiki/xiang-fu <---- There it is in black and white.

Xiang Fu seems to be a relatively straightforward herb used to treat a lot of different things. It seems to be combined with many other herbs to specify its treatment possibilities. But on its own, it is indicated for liver depression and qi stagnation. And based on the last "period" I had, something is definitely stagnating in me. Also, it is the essential herb for regulating qi and menorrhea, and alleviating pain in gynecology for it can regulate qi and blood circulation, soothe stagnant liver qi. These all sound like things my little bod needs some help with.

What is "Qi"? Yeah... It's a tiny word with a lot of meaning. At its base, it refers simply to energy. Here are a few more specifics about it:

• Qi manifests itself in various meridians that run through the body. These meridians, or channels of energy, are the areas that are targeted by acupuncture.
• Qi energy is converted in the body into 4 substances and 2 fluids: Qi, Yin, Yang, Blood & Essence and Moisture. These substances and fluids convert our air, water and food into waste and help the waste leave our bodies.
• Qi forms all of our organs.

My takeaway? Qi is basically the essence of life. Better be nice to it!

AJ really gave me the full needle treatment. There were 3 needles in my head, one in each ear, about 4 in my abdomen, a couple in my knees, a couple in my feet and, to top it all off, one in each of my hands. In that soft spot between your index finger and thumb. It felt really weird! But once she positioned the heat lamp over my belly, I was as good as passed out! This acupuncture thing is awfully relaxing. For now, I'm choosing to buy in, body, mind and soul. That Clomid didn't do me any favors so for now I'm choosing the nature path.

The Lost Cycle

I knew something was off but had no thoughts on what it could be. I got the period, but a day late. That on its own is unusual for me. It showed early Saturday morning as we were getting ready in Breck for a huge hike we'd planned. I was fully prepared for an uncomfortable hike - advil, prescription pain killers, extra tissues and plenty of lady supplies in a ziplock bag.

A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.

Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.

I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.

I'm lost.

Experimenting with TCM

Yay! More acronyms! TCM has floated around in various blogs I've meandered through and some fertility books and websites. The acronym doesn't usually "stick" for me and I need to go look it up, but I think it's here to stay. Traditional Chinese Medicine.

When we first met with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, she did mention that I may want to consider acupuncture, as several of her patients had seen some success in pairing the western medicine ART techniques in which CCRM specializes and traditional eastern methods with which many of us in the US are unfamiliar. My takeaway by the time of our regroup in June was that our numbers were so strong, an IUI was sure to be a success - I'd consider the additional spend on acupuncture only if the IUI didn't work.

So it was only one unsuccessful round for the IUI. I haven't totally lost hope or anything. But I just figure, if a little needle poking and some of the dietary wisdom from the ancient Chinese can only assist my attempts at 'assisted reproduction,' why not go for it? I anticipate starting the Clomid again tomorrow and having another transfer two Thursdays from now. In the meantime, as part of my TCM experiment, I've had my first acupuncture session, I ordered a recommended book (The Infertility Cure), set up two more acu appointments related to my IUI schedule, and started up 3 additional supplements - Vitamin D 4000 mcg, methylated folate and a spirulina based greens powder. Dr. Jane has also prescribed me yoga at least 1-3x a week and aerobic exercise 3-5x, as well as a particular kind of meditative deep breathing.

When I read things like bananas encouraging "dampness," and are therefore something I should avoid, I admit I feel some skepticism. But it's also the same practice that discourages refined sugars, processed foods and stress. That all makes good sense to me! If I need to avoid bananas in favor of plenty of other veggies, fruits and good grains, I guess I can make it work. Like I said, it is a bit of an experiment, but it is also something I'm trying to approach with an open mind and some enthusiasm. Cause hey, you never know!