Double Down on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Long time no see, huh? See... the thing is... everything was feeling really stable for a while there. I felt like I was on a really good track going the natural route. And then the Clomid hit.

Well I guess that sounds misleading. Rewind the tape. Go back about 5 weeks. We visited friends in Cali (with a side trip to Napa, woo!) and while we visited this super sweet family with two little boys and a brand new house, I started my CD1. Yep, blood in the panties (ugh, what a gross word, panties, makes my arm hair stand up). Given our surroundings at the time, I guess J and I got to feeling antsy so I made the phone call to CCRM on Monday saying that I'd like to go for another Clomid cycle. A day later, I went for my cyst check, was obviously all clear, and started up the same 50mg clomiphene prescription. The IUI was relatively uneventful and the following two weeks were equally uneventful. I   knew before the two week wait was over that the only thing I was waiting for was the dreaded period. But, lord, did that motherhecker hold out on me. I spotted for 4 days before it finally came through. When I called CCRM to report my CD1 (again) and schedule a cyst check (again), I learned that Dr. M wanted me to try this final IUI cycle with 100 mg.

So we're doing a big, bad double down on the Clomid. In the real-life world, I've had massive drama with my brother; a big fight with my mom due to the drama with brother; we adopted a puppy; I interviewed for a job, got the offer and turned it down; we fell in love with a house, put in an offer, won the bid, and then were told 20 minutes later the other buyers outbid us; ate and drank plenty of things I shouldn't have; and my dad was in a car accident (dad is fine, car is totaled).

ohmigosh.breathe

Through all of that, I frequently found myself thinking, "Gosh you're handling this well. Prior to the acupuncture and yoga biz, you'd be flipping out right now!" Welp! It took me a solid 2+ months to get on that straight & steady track and took 2 days of Clomid for all that hard work to unravel. I just totally fell apart last night. Looking back, I don't even know what the catalyst was. I recall going into the bathroom to get ready for bed and just staring a myself in the mirror. I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness. Cognitively, I knew there was a lot of blame to be placed on the medication, but that surely didn't stop the tears from coming on hard and fast. It's hard to shake the feeling of failure when you believe you're doing everything you can and still finding no success. Helpless.

And then there was the episode (two episodes, coughcough) of Transparent on Amazon Prime that had me choking back tears this morning. Oy. But there was going to be a peak to match my low, dark valley! Two bright spots in my day were on the way...

Reclaiming Joy

It is so painfully easy to lose yourself in the process once someone stamps you as "infertile." It hurts. It's painful. And you want to find whatever solution you can think of to put the battle behind you. While you're busy researching fertility clinics, deciding on the best supplements and resetting your lifestyle, the goal you're after can become so much of your focus that you forget what life used to be.

The last year and a half has brought so much change that I don't even remember what my life is "supposed" to be like. But what I do know is that most of the time I've been feeling anxious, uncertain and inadequate. Certainly those feelings began to creep in last fall when, month after month, there was no positive test, but it really intensified in May when my contract was up with my old company. In a way, it was the symbolic last tie to my "old" life that I had loved so much.

Despite common professional stressors, life was good in New York. I remember the unbridled joy I often felt just walking through the Theater District on my way home or going for a run in Central Park. Since we've left, I do have my moments of joy and excitement, but so often those feelings are overshadowed by disappointment and discouragement.

One of the first pieces of advice that Acupuncture Jane gave me was to "find joy" which, honestly, had me stumped for a couple weeks. But I put a lot of effort towards reminding myself of the things that made me happy and being more conscious of those little natural things that would put a smile on my face. In Colorado, the sky is just an amazing work of art. Realizing that it was something I enjoyed, I've now tried to really focus my attention towards appreciating those gorgeous skyscapes many times a day. I pushed myself to do things that I was interested in with the hope that I might find a pocket of joy hiding somewhere. So I've tried doing more running and yoga and those things make me feel like I'm reclaiming myself. Which naturally leads to moments of joy and fulfillment.

In the car today I had the windows down with the hot sun warming me up from the air conditioning I'd just been enveloped in. With some old school Dave Matthews Band flowing, life just felt so good. I want to remember to shine more light on these moments and give them all the attention they deserve. And I'd also like to put some more thought into making moments like that. Life is so short that the idea of waiting for moments of joy to fall in your lap seems short sighted. What can we do in life to make our own joy without it feeling manufactured?

Failures and Shortcomings

I'm feeling like a major failure right now. I've been putting so much effort towards being positive, optimistic, chill and zen-like.But some days are hard. And then, just when you're coming out of a hard spell, WHAM! A storm comes. In this case, that was literaly what happened.

My parents and brother came out for a week long visit and we had an awesome time. It was a little stressful to keep up with such a long and intense itinerary and constantly be cooking and cleaning and keeping the ducklings going in the right direction. But it was amazing to have so much compact quality time. We had so much fun! The day that they left I was soooo sad. Crying in the car by myself kind of sad. I was dealing, but then J came home from work (late) and asked me what the status was on baby stuff. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was 3 days into a period and see that he really felt hit by it. We had a sad night on the couch. 

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I had an acupuncture appointment and since it had been a week and a half, I was super psyched to be back on the needle table with AJ. It was a solid appointment that left me feeling great and fertility yoga was later that night. Wednesday was my DAY, man! My get-back-to-zen day. Things were feeling good. When yoga was over at about 8:30pm, we had a massive downpour and thunder/lightening storm. And while leaving the parking lot I drove into a concrete pile :( womp womp.

When J came out to the car we figured out that the passenger side door wouldn't open. F*ck. Fast Forward: I took Ravy to a collision guy this morning and the estimate came in at $1450. Jesus help me.

Wait, there's more! They can't take us until September 29. A MONTH AWAY.

Oh, one more thing. The repair will take 4 days and we have........ one..............car. Motherhecker. 

I think it goes without saying that I feel like such a huge failure. It's been over a year and I have no baby. It's been 4 months of unemployment and I have no leads. We've been here nearly 5 months and I have zero friends. I can barely get emails returned to me, from job and friend prospects alike. The volunteering thing is going totally crappy. CCRM and acupuncture have been pricey and I've just rung up about $2000 worth of car repairs. It's sad, but J isn't making me feel any better. I want to feel his support. Anything. Maybe a sentiment like: hey, crap happens, we'll get through this, it's not you, you are not the center of a sh*tstorm.

F.

M.

L.

Is that lame? is that phrase totally over? It is the only thing that feels appropriate to say in this moment.