Never Out Of The Woods....

Damn. Just when you think everything is moving on the right track and you're good as gold, synthetic hormones rear their ugly heads.

It was just hours ago that I was feeling super optimistic and hopeful about this cycle. And then I went in for the post-Clomid follicle check. 

<crash>

As I mentioned, my dose was doubled this cycle to 100mg in hopes of higher egg recruitment. Didn't do much... My largest follicle is measuring 18.9mm and the next two, in the left ovary that loves to ride the short bus, are measuring 14mm and 11.2mm. And my uterine lining, which normally measures in the mid 8cm in thickness (very good) is only measuring 6cm today (unacceptable). 

Translation?

This double dose feels like a complete waste. It didn't do what it was meant to do in terms of egg recruitment and it thinned my lining to a point that requires me to load up on another synthetic hormone. Now I have an rx for 4mg of estradiol each day. My insurance company initially denied coverage on the prescription and then the pharmacist had to override their judgement in order to fill it for me and additionally expressed concern over the higher-than-normal dosage. We only had about $450 left in our FSA account last I checked which I expected to just about cover this last cycle. But going on the estradiol with such a thin lining means that I need an additional ultrasound before IUI trigger and transfer. So, an extra $180 out of pocket gets thrown at this. 

Fuck off, man. Acupuncture Jane, help me out!

Double Down on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Long time no see, huh? See... the thing is... everything was feeling really stable for a while there. I felt like I was on a really good track going the natural route. And then the Clomid hit.

Well I guess that sounds misleading. Rewind the tape. Go back about 5 weeks. We visited friends in Cali (with a side trip to Napa, woo!) and while we visited this super sweet family with two little boys and a brand new house, I started my CD1. Yep, blood in the panties (ugh, what a gross word, panties, makes my arm hair stand up). Given our surroundings at the time, I guess J and I got to feeling antsy so I made the phone call to CCRM on Monday saying that I'd like to go for another Clomid cycle. A day later, I went for my cyst check, was obviously all clear, and started up the same 50mg clomiphene prescription. The IUI was relatively uneventful and the following two weeks were equally uneventful. I   knew before the two week wait was over that the only thing I was waiting for was the dreaded period. But, lord, did that motherhecker hold out on me. I spotted for 4 days before it finally came through. When I called CCRM to report my CD1 (again) and schedule a cyst check (again), I learned that Dr. M wanted me to try this final IUI cycle with 100 mg.

So we're doing a big, bad double down on the Clomid. In the real-life world, I've had massive drama with my brother; a big fight with my mom due to the drama with brother; we adopted a puppy; I interviewed for a job, got the offer and turned it down; we fell in love with a house, put in an offer, won the bid, and then were told 20 minutes later the other buyers outbid us; ate and drank plenty of things I shouldn't have; and my dad was in a car accident (dad is fine, car is totaled).

ohmigosh.breathe

Through all of that, I frequently found myself thinking, "Gosh you're handling this well. Prior to the acupuncture and yoga biz, you'd be flipping out right now!" Welp! It took me a solid 2+ months to get on that straight & steady track and took 2 days of Clomid for all that hard work to unravel. I just totally fell apart last night. Looking back, I don't even know what the catalyst was. I recall going into the bathroom to get ready for bed and just staring a myself in the mirror. I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness. Cognitively, I knew there was a lot of blame to be placed on the medication, but that surely didn't stop the tears from coming on hard and fast. It's hard to shake the feeling of failure when you believe you're doing everything you can and still finding no success. Helpless.

And then there was the episode (two episodes, coughcough) of Transparent on Amazon Prime that had me choking back tears this morning. Oy. But there was going to be a peak to match my low, dark valley! Two bright spots in my day were on the way...

Failures and Shortcomings

I'm feeling like a major failure right now. I've been putting so much effort towards being positive, optimistic, chill and zen-like.But some days are hard. And then, just when you're coming out of a hard spell, WHAM! A storm comes. In this case, that was literaly what happened.

My parents and brother came out for a week long visit and we had an awesome time. It was a little stressful to keep up with such a long and intense itinerary and constantly be cooking and cleaning and keeping the ducklings going in the right direction. But it was amazing to have so much compact quality time. We had so much fun! The day that they left I was soooo sad. Crying in the car by myself kind of sad. I was dealing, but then J came home from work (late) and asked me what the status was on baby stuff. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was 3 days into a period and see that he really felt hit by it. We had a sad night on the couch. 

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I had an acupuncture appointment and since it had been a week and a half, I was super psyched to be back on the needle table with AJ. It was a solid appointment that left me feeling great and fertility yoga was later that night. Wednesday was my DAY, man! My get-back-to-zen day. Things were feeling good. When yoga was over at about 8:30pm, we had a massive downpour and thunder/lightening storm. And while leaving the parking lot I drove into a concrete pile :( womp womp.

When J came out to the car we figured out that the passenger side door wouldn't open. F*ck. Fast Forward: I took Ravy to a collision guy this morning and the estimate came in at $1450. Jesus help me.

Wait, there's more! They can't take us until September 29. A MONTH AWAY.

Oh, one more thing. The repair will take 4 days and we have........ one..............car. Motherhecker. 

I think it goes without saying that I feel like such a huge failure. It's been over a year and I have no baby. It's been 4 months of unemployment and I have no leads. We've been here nearly 5 months and I have zero friends. I can barely get emails returned to me, from job and friend prospects alike. The volunteering thing is going totally crappy. CCRM and acupuncture have been pricey and I've just rung up about $2000 worth of car repairs. It's sad, but J isn't making me feel any better. I want to feel his support. Anything. Maybe a sentiment like: hey, crap happens, we'll get through this, it's not you, you are not the center of a sh*tstorm.

F.

M.

L.

Is that lame? is that phrase totally over? It is the only thing that feels appropriate to say in this moment.

The Lost Cycle

I knew something was off but had no thoughts on what it could be. I got the period, but a day late. That on its own is unusual for me. It showed early Saturday morning as we were getting ready in Breck for a huge hike we'd planned. I was fully prepared for an uncomfortable hike - advil, prescription pain killers, extra tissues and plenty of lady supplies in a ziplock bag.

A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.

Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.

I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.

I'm lost.

Mother Nature. What a Bitch.

She can't make this whole thing easy can she? This lady's got me peeing in cups, having hormonal breakdowns and waking up at 5:20am every friggin morning to take my stupid basal body temperature. (That's just the first layer of the cake, of course. This is a heavily iced special 7 layer cake, you know. Like the "Great Wall of Chocolate Cake at P.F. Chang's. There's also the Reproductive Endocrinologist that we're paying for layer, the stress of not being able to naturally conceive on our own layer, the idea of acupuncture -cha ching!- layer, fertility massage layer, the "just relax" layer... just pile it on, the cake isn't tall enough yet.)

No, Nature Lady couldn't just let me have my freak out yesterday due to my crazy temp drop and leave well enough alone. My temp rose this morning. Barely, but it rose. F*ck you. 

13dpiui and Preparing

Not a happy day.

Symptoms:

CM is starting to dry up

Period-like cramps, not at all like what I was feeling right after the IUI.

Temperature dropped precipitously this morning to 97.9 and I'm never in the 97 range during a luteal phase.

PMS-y moodiness.

So that's that. I need to start planning now for the next cycle. My temp drop is about 3 days earlier than normal so I'm wondering if bleeding will start sooner. Bring it on! If my cycles are gonna keep failing, the least they can do is be shorter...

Cycle Day 3 (start of Clomid) would typically be this coming Sunday, but I'll hope that it starts sooner than that. I'd expect IUI to be scheduled Wednesday morning, Aug 6. But again, a couple days earlier than that would be just fine with me. My family is coming for a visit on August 20 and I'd spent the last two or three weeks so hopeful that we might be able to share tentatively exciting news with them when they were here!

No dice.

I really thought I could better control my emotions this time around knowing that we have a plan in place and we are working with such a great practice. I guess that was silly of me. What really has me down right now is the knowledge that I know nothing. There is no answer for what didn't work well in this cycle. I responded well to the medications, had a great lining prepared, followed all of the rules about no caffeine and no alcohol (well, till yesterday. just had to have myself half a beer). So what can I do next time to give myself a better chance?

Setbacks Continue

One of the reasons I was so excited and relieved to get on board with CCRM was the feeling that we were finally entering a pattern of moving forward. And I need to keep the perspective that just by being a patient there we are already better off than going cycle after cycle on our own. But, for today at least, there's no moving forward. We're stuck in a waiting period. Again! Still!

I just heard from our nurse to go over my most recent set of tests. Prolactin=normal. Testosterone=basically normal. Rubella=immune. Thyroid=normal. Thyroid antibodies=normal. Blood chemistry=normal. Vitamin D=good. DHEA= normal. Blood counts=mostly normal, low white bloods cells due to my sniffly nose that day. Antibody screen=negative (that's good). So what was wrong? Varicella. Ugh. 

Bottom line is that I don't have enough antibodies against chicken pox. Despite the fact that I was immunized as an infant, had the virus, and then re-immunized two years ago. The impact of re-immunizing again feels pretty steep right now: 60 days from the date of the first shot (it is a series of two). The earliest possible date we can try for conception again is 3 months away. September. Just thinking about how far away that is makes me tear up. I'm so damn frustrated. 

It would be possible to move forward without the vaccination series. We would need to sign a waiver for CCRM. The chances I end up catching chicken pox in these next summer months seem completely ludicrous. But there is still a chance and if we sign that waiver, move forward with a conception plan, and I get this ridiculous virus while pregs, I'm at risk for pneumonia and the baby at risk for all sorts of nasty. birth defects. Seems like one hell of a gamble. Sure, the odds that everything goes according to plan with no virus in the picture are good. But it takes about .3 seconds to realize the risks outweigh those good odds all day long. So yes, we could sign the waiver. But we don't really have a choice, do we...

Our regroup with Dr. M is this Friday. That's when we'll discuss what our best options are going forward. I'd been looking forward so much to this meeting. Now I just feel like it will be frustrating to talk about things that I can't touch for 3 months. I'm just so sad right now.