We had a chat last night. A married people chat. The kind of deep conversation that I crave and wish we had more frequently. It usually happens every few months and often by force. Because I'm having a meltdown and finally J sits and listens. After Monday's shitty cyst news, J gave me carte blanche to be sad and mopey and talk about whatever I wanted. I kind of thought my special dispensation to be depressed would last longer than a few hours, but by Tuesday evening it was clear that J expected to me to be right back on the happy train. That was disappointing with everything else going on. I was really hoping for more emotional support.
So I did what a married person is supposed to do. I held back until I had my thoughts all sorted and then calmly expressed why I was feeling hurt and disappointed. No, really, that's actually what I did! I guess I was just feeling zen and collected after the yoga class. We ended up talking for probably an hour about this situation we're stuck with and the way we are both relating to one another about it. It was so refreshing to feel heard, to feel equal. The one thing that he said that really resonated with me and will probably stick with me for a while is something I've been aware of, but didn't have the right words for: I need a win.
One of the reasons this has been so hard on me the last year is that I've talked myself into believing that I have nothing else and being a mother is the only thing that will make me worthy. I'm unemployed - for about 3 months now - and having a hell of a time finding a new job, I'm fully isolated right now without family nearby and far away friends who are hard to stay in touch with, the people I've met so far here in Denver aren't people I feel a strong connection to, I've stopped running because it raises my heart rate too high I feel like I'm gaining weight but have zero motivation to workout and the one skill I cling to is cooking. Things that people often "define" themselves with, I've just run out of. And while that's kind of a sad realization, knowing a truth is an excellent first step towards fixing something.
But the bottom line? It was so nice to feel like J thinks about me and analyzes where I am in life. It was a feeling I had been craving and it felt so good :) Maybe if I just feel like I'm having a win in my relationship, maybe that can be enough to life me up a little bit.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Fertility Yoga & Sugar Oops
Interesting experience... When I sent my freak out email to Jane the acupuncturist she, among many other calming and wise words, suggested that I come by for the fertility yoga class that they host on Tuesdays. Last night was also my first experience using Uber. J was supposed to get home in time for me to take the car, but his 21 mile commute turned into a one hour, fifty minute odyssey complete with car accidents and construction. Uber it was. Pretty decent experience, I would definitely call them up again.
The class was small and intimate, just 6 of us. Everyone spent a couple minutes introducing themselves and talking about their journey up to this point. There were some pretty diverse stories. The instructor has been at this now for 10 years and has adopted 2 foster children in the meantime. We did super relaxing breathing and movement and with such a slow pace, there were a couple of poses that felt really strong and intense. We were told to come up with a personal mantra at the beginning and then used that throughout the practice. Superstitiously speaking, or maybe for some mysterious spiritual reason, I don't know if you're supposed to share these things. But. Why not? There's probably something good about putting it out there in the big wide world. I want so badly to feel happy and fulfilled again so I'm starting with the "fake it til you make it" concept. Here's mine: I am happy. I have the health to be pregnant. There. It's out there. Hope it works, haha!
In my quick and dirty research on TCM so far, it is clear that balanced health is key. I believe that I've had relatively good health, but I think that I've developed a few bad dietary habits that may have been fine in moderation, but for me have just thrown the whole system out of balance. Number 1 is my sugar addiction. I absolutely love sweets, desserts, sugar, carbs. Nom nom nom, gimmie more! Sadly, though, I think I've really hit the max intake, like for a lifetime, and have messed up my balance. (PS, I was also on various forms and brands of birth control for about 16 years. Surely that can't have been good for "balance.") As of Saturday, I decided now is the time to go all-in with my diet. All of the sugar is bad for my health in a general sense, but what is that's the obstacle that's keeping my uterus from being a happy, healthy home?! That would be crazy. So giving it up can only help.
But moving on to my "oops." Acupuncture Jane (that's a lot to type, I'm gonna go with AJ from here on out) suggested that I may want to try out gluten free for a bit. I don't want to go hardcore or anything, but just try to have fewer wheat products in my diet. Somehow I stumbled upon a gluten free waffle recipe this morning and thought it was a great idea (it wasn't). The waffles were not that tasty. And the recipe turned out to have a lot of sugar in it. I should have really looked at the recipe before I started. Doh. Frankly, I'm feeling the effects. It feels like my heart is going too fast, like I'm having anxiety. I was good for three days, now I feel crappy.
Gotta get back on that healthy horse now! Carrot pancakes and arugula salad for dinner.
The class was small and intimate, just 6 of us. Everyone spent a couple minutes introducing themselves and talking about their journey up to this point. There were some pretty diverse stories. The instructor has been at this now for 10 years and has adopted 2 foster children in the meantime. We did super relaxing breathing and movement and with such a slow pace, there were a couple of poses that felt really strong and intense. We were told to come up with a personal mantra at the beginning and then used that throughout the practice. Superstitiously speaking, or maybe for some mysterious spiritual reason, I don't know if you're supposed to share these things. But. Why not? There's probably something good about putting it out there in the big wide world. I want so badly to feel happy and fulfilled again so I'm starting with the "fake it til you make it" concept. Here's mine: I am happy. I have the health to be pregnant. There. It's out there. Hope it works, haha!
In my quick and dirty research on TCM so far, it is clear that balanced health is key. I believe that I've had relatively good health, but I think that I've developed a few bad dietary habits that may have been fine in moderation, but for me have just thrown the whole system out of balance. Number 1 is my sugar addiction. I absolutely love sweets, desserts, sugar, carbs. Nom nom nom, gimmie more! Sadly, though, I think I've really hit the max intake, like for a lifetime, and have messed up my balance. (PS, I was also on various forms and brands of birth control for about 16 years. Surely that can't have been good for "balance.") As of Saturday, I decided now is the time to go all-in with my diet. All of the sugar is bad for my health in a general sense, but what is that's the obstacle that's keeping my uterus from being a happy, healthy home?! That would be crazy. So giving it up can only help.
But moving on to my "oops." Acupuncture Jane (that's a lot to type, I'm gonna go with AJ from here on out) suggested that I may want to try out gluten free for a bit. I don't want to go hardcore or anything, but just try to have fewer wheat products in my diet. Somehow I stumbled upon a gluten free waffle recipe this morning and thought it was a great idea (it wasn't). The waffles were not that tasty. And the recipe turned out to have a lot of sugar in it. I should have really looked at the recipe before I started. Doh. Frankly, I'm feeling the effects. It feels like my heart is going too fast, like I'm having anxiety. I was good for three days, now I feel crappy.
Gotta get back on that healthy horse now! Carrot pancakes and arugula salad for dinner.
Monday, July 28, 2014
The Lost Cycle
I knew something was off but had no thoughts on what it could be. I got the period, but a day late. That on its own is unusual for me. It showed early Saturday morning as we were getting ready in Breck for a huge hike we'd planned. I was fully prepared for an uncomfortable hike - advil, prescription pain killers, extra tissues and plenty of lady supplies in a ziplock bag.
A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.
Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.
I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.
I'm lost.
A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.
Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.
I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.
I'm lost.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Experimenting with TCM
Yay! More acronyms! TCM has floated around in various blogs I've meandered through and some fertility books and websites. The acronym doesn't usually "stick" for me and I need to go look it up, but I think it's here to stay. Traditional Chinese Medicine.
When we first met with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, she did mention that I may want to consider acupuncture, as several of her patients had seen some success in pairing the western medicine ART techniques in which CCRM specializes and traditional eastern methods with which many of us in the US are unfamiliar. My takeaway by the time of our regroup in June was that our numbers were so strong, an IUI was sure to be a success - I'd consider the additional spend on acupuncture only if the IUI didn't work.
So it was only one unsuccessful round for the IUI. I haven't totally lost hope or anything. But I just figure, if a little needle poking and some of the dietary wisdom from the ancient Chinese can only assist my attempts at 'assisted reproduction,' why not go for it? I anticipate starting the Clomid again tomorrow and having another transfer two Thursdays from now. In the meantime, as part of my TCM experiment, I've had my first acupuncture session, I ordered a recommended book (The Infertility Cure), set up two more acu appointments related to my IUI schedule, and started up 3 additional supplements - Vitamin D 4000 mcg, methylated folate and a spirulina based greens powder. Dr. Jane has also prescribed me yoga at least 1-3x a week and aerobic exercise 3-5x, as well as a particular kind of meditative deep breathing.
When I read things like bananas encouraging "dampness," and are therefore something I should avoid, I admit I feel some skepticism. But it's also the same practice that discourages refined sugars, processed foods and stress. That all makes good sense to me! If I need to avoid bananas in favor of plenty of other veggies, fruits and good grains, I guess I can make it work. Like I said, it is a bit of an experiment, but it is also something I'm trying to approach with an open mind and some enthusiasm. Cause hey, you never know!
When we first met with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, she did mention that I may want to consider acupuncture, as several of her patients had seen some success in pairing the western medicine ART techniques in which CCRM specializes and traditional eastern methods with which many of us in the US are unfamiliar. My takeaway by the time of our regroup in June was that our numbers were so strong, an IUI was sure to be a success - I'd consider the additional spend on acupuncture only if the IUI didn't work.
So it was only one unsuccessful round for the IUI. I haven't totally lost hope or anything. But I just figure, if a little needle poking and some of the dietary wisdom from the ancient Chinese can only assist my attempts at 'assisted reproduction,' why not go for it? I anticipate starting the Clomid again tomorrow and having another transfer two Thursdays from now. In the meantime, as part of my TCM experiment, I've had my first acupuncture session, I ordered a recommended book (The Infertility Cure), set up two more acu appointments related to my IUI schedule, and started up 3 additional supplements - Vitamin D 4000 mcg, methylated folate and a spirulina based greens powder. Dr. Jane has also prescribed me yoga at least 1-3x a week and aerobic exercise 3-5x, as well as a particular kind of meditative deep breathing.
When I read things like bananas encouraging "dampness," and are therefore something I should avoid, I admit I feel some skepticism. But it's also the same practice that discourages refined sugars, processed foods and stress. That all makes good sense to me! If I need to avoid bananas in favor of plenty of other veggies, fruits and good grains, I guess I can make it work. Like I said, it is a bit of an experiment, but it is also something I'm trying to approach with an open mind and some enthusiasm. Cause hey, you never know!
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Secrecy
Growing up I got stuck keeping the huge family secret about my dad. Years went by that I kept this massive, confusing, looming issue from my friends and all of my extended family. In my teenage years, stuff with my dad became increasingly awkward, the secret became more and more difficult to keep, and once my parents decided to divorce, life at home was just so... icky. But I had so many of those pressing "teenager issues" like classes, grades, crushes and boyfriends, college plans, popularity, friends, plans for the weekend... So I often pushed aside the feelings about my dad and family and continued keeping the secret, whether or not it was the right thing for me.
When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.
Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.
Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.
Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...
When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.
Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.
Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.
Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...
Well, on the other hand, infertility freaking sucks the big one. It can be months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartbreak. Wouldn't it be nice to gather up as much support as possible? And what about all those awkward conversations and small talk chats that make you want to crawl in a hole and pluck your eye lashes out one at a time? "So when are youuuuuu guys gonna have one, sweetie?" At the most recent baby shower: "Well you two have been married a while now. I bet YOU'LL be the next one!" Yeah. Right. Not if my last year of failures is any indication... Wouldn't it be a relief to just come clean with the whole thing? Maybe it would preclude those little stabs to the heart that people think are so innocent. Some support or even just silence on the topic would be welcome.
I just don't know. Like I said, it's such a personal topic. Everyone and every couple need to approach it the best way they see fit. But I've been feeling differently about it nearly every day of the week. I don't want to be the focus of family pity but I'd also love to experience a little sensitivity when family wants to discuss everyone else's amazing babies.
More than anything though, I want to stop keeping ugly secrets. A lifetime of this just can't be good for the soul.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Mother Nature. What a Bitch.
She can't make this whole thing easy can she? This lady's got me peeing in cups, having hormonal breakdowns and waking up at 5:20am every friggin morning to take my stupid basal body temperature. (That's just the first layer of the cake, of course. This is a heavily iced special 7 layer cake, you know. Like the "Great Wall of Chocolate Cake at P.F. Chang's. There's also the Reproductive Endocrinologist that we're paying for layer, the stress of not being able to naturally conceive on our own layer, the idea of acupuncture -cha ching!- layer, fertility massage layer, the "just relax" layer... just pile it on, the cake isn't tall enough yet.)
No, Nature Lady couldn't just let me have my freak out yesterday due to my crazy temp drop and leave well enough alone. My temp rose this morning. Barely, but it rose. F*ck you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
13dpiui and Preparing
Not a happy day.
Symptoms:
CM is starting to dry up
Period-like cramps, not at all like what I was feeling right after the IUI.
Temperature dropped precipitously this morning to 97.9 and I'm never in the 97 range during a luteal phase.
PMS-y moodiness.
So that's that. I need to start planning now for the next cycle. My temp drop is about 3 days earlier than normal so I'm wondering if bleeding will start sooner. Bring it on! If my cycles are gonna keep failing, the least they can do is be shorter...
Cycle Day 3 (start of Clomid) would typically be this coming Sunday, but I'll hope that it starts sooner than that. I'd expect IUI to be scheduled Wednesday morning, Aug 6. But again, a couple days earlier than that would be just fine with me. My family is coming for a visit on August 20 and I'd spent the last two or three weeks so hopeful that we might be able to share tentatively exciting news with them when they were here!
No dice.
I really thought I could better control my emotions this time around knowing that we have a plan in place and we are working with such a great practice. I guess that was silly of me. What really has me down right now is the knowledge that I know nothing. There is no answer for what didn't work well in this cycle. I responded well to the medications, had a great lining prepared, followed all of the rules about no caffeine and no alcohol (well, till yesterday. just had to have myself half a beer). So what can I do next time to give myself a better chance?
Black Hole
I'm having this feeling of crawling deep inside of myself, as far in as I can get. As if my mind and spirit are just going to take up residence in my feet for a while, as low as they can sink down.
Since 5:18am I've been laying here feeling the cramps come on. Checked my temp- it sunk to 97.9 overnight. What have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong? A negative at the end of every month hurts, but this one I actually paid for. Double ouch.
I put it off last cycle, but I'm going to call the acupuncture lady today. Dr. M said she also does Mayan uterine massage. And it would probably be of some benefit to get more into yoga, too. I feel like I'm sinking right now.
I put it off last cycle, but I'm going to call the acupuncture lady today. Dr. M said she also does Mayan uterine massage. And it would probably be of some benefit to get more into yoga, too. I feel like I'm sinking right now.
Friday, July 18, 2014
9dpiui
Morning of the 9th day after our IUI. Things have been weird. Like... in my body, not life in general ;)
Life in General
I started volunteering at a cool non-profit this week. It was awesome to find an opportunity that actually aligns with my industry of event planning. Since they are a non-profit they put on several fundraisers each year so I am helping out with parts of an upcoming event. Right now there is a lot out of my comfort zone because we're cold-calling business asking for donations. That is relatively awkward for me and I haven't had a ton of success the last 3 days, but it will get better and I'm spending the days with a friend I met in the running group. We commiserate a lot about getting shot down repeatedly! Lotta laughs.
J has us doing another crazy fourteener hike tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it because of A) the heart rate issue, B) the fact that he invited a friend to join, C) this is a double peak and we have to get up so incredibly early, like 3am (?!) or D) my new hiking boots haven't yet arrived and I'd need to wear light little sneakers. So if you're assuming it is all four, you would be correct. Oy!
Yesterday I got a couple interesting leads on the job front so I'll spend some time with that today.
Feelings
There is still a lot of hope in me - and J! - that this is our cycle. He asks me every day "When will we know?" He's never been this in-tune! It's a nice change even if it does feel like the line of questioning you get from a 4 year old rather than a sophisticated 32 year old financial analyst :-D
Mom calls frequently and asks in this veiled manner, "Anything new?" or "Sooooo, what's new?" This happens several times in one phone call so I have to give her credit where it's due for not flat-out asking me for updates everyday. I told her about the Clomid and then our plans to do the IUI, but wanted to save a few of the specific details of the whole situation to keep between just J and me. After all, if we were still doing it the of-fashioned way, I wouldn't be reporting that!!
I'm also feeling a small amount of anxiety. The root of it is this: I'm fully aware that this cycle may not be ours and we'd start the clock over again next weekend, but I'm anxious about how I would take it if that truly is the outcome in 7 or 8 days. What I want to avoid is shrouding myself in so much hope and positivity that if I do end up with a period in a week, my soul isn't crushed. I know we've got a couple more tries with Clomid/IUI planned and that protocol seems to fit us very well and it's so reasonably priced. The uncovered portion comes out to under $400 for us I think. So I'd like to think that I can keep my head above water next week if I get news I'm unhappy with. There is still time for us on this clock!
Body/Symptoms
For days 5-8 I was feeling some intense kind of cramping only on the right side of my lower abdomen/uterus. Every once in a while the feeling would jump to the left or be more centralized, but it was very focused on the right. Eventually, after 2 full days of it (5 and 6 dpiui) and then having it intensify the morning of the 3rd day (7dpiui), I was a little scared of an ectopic and called Elizabeth at CCRM. She said some ibuprofen is ok but if the discomfort comes through the ibuprofen, or if I have a fever, bleeding, or something else, call back immediately. So for the rest of 7dpiui, it was a discomfort I could handle (but pretty intense later at night) and I did some yoga and stretching before bed. When I woke up 8dpiui, I was almost worried that the feeling had subsided! It poked its head back in a little in the evening, but that's been it. So... who knows?! It could just be my right ovary normalizing itself after having to deal with being super stimulated by Clomid or being psyched out by the HCG trigger shot I took.
Breasts are a little on the heavy/tender side of things, but that's been somewhat standard in my cycle this past year so I'm not too excited about it. Also a good bit of watery/creamy CM, but you could easily chalk that up to me staying super hydrated.
My BBT hit a higher point than average this morning, 98.6, but I woke up just feeling so hot, it could just be an environmental influence. I've hit 98.6 a few times throughout the last year so it isn't completely unheard of during my tww. My chart is a little unusual looking though in that it appears as a steady climb up since ovulation. Once again, I'm trying to not read into it because it could just as easily start stair-stepping it's way down at any point and also my body had been introduced to a lot of chemicals it's never dealt with before which could easily influence BBT readings.
On the forums I've been visiting, there are a few ladies who got a positive HPT on their 10th day past IUI. I don't know if I'm totally crazy to try that tomorrow, but I'm tempted! Just unsure if there is a chance that the HCG trigger shot is still even a little in my system. Getting a false positive would in fact be a soul crusher.... I'll think a little more about it. Maybe wait till Sunday, 11dpiui.
Life in General
I started volunteering at a cool non-profit this week. It was awesome to find an opportunity that actually aligns with my industry of event planning. Since they are a non-profit they put on several fundraisers each year so I am helping out with parts of an upcoming event. Right now there is a lot out of my comfort zone because we're cold-calling business asking for donations. That is relatively awkward for me and I haven't had a ton of success the last 3 days, but it will get better and I'm spending the days with a friend I met in the running group. We commiserate a lot about getting shot down repeatedly! Lotta laughs.
J has us doing another crazy fourteener hike tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it because of A) the heart rate issue, B) the fact that he invited a friend to join, C) this is a double peak and we have to get up so incredibly early, like 3am (?!) or D) my new hiking boots haven't yet arrived and I'd need to wear light little sneakers. So if you're assuming it is all four, you would be correct. Oy!
Yesterday I got a couple interesting leads on the job front so I'll spend some time with that today.
Feelings
There is still a lot of hope in me - and J! - that this is our cycle. He asks me every day "When will we know?" He's never been this in-tune! It's a nice change even if it does feel like the line of questioning you get from a 4 year old rather than a sophisticated 32 year old financial analyst :-D
Mom calls frequently and asks in this veiled manner, "Anything new?" or "Sooooo, what's new?" This happens several times in one phone call so I have to give her credit where it's due for not flat-out asking me for updates everyday. I told her about the Clomid and then our plans to do the IUI, but wanted to save a few of the specific details of the whole situation to keep between just J and me. After all, if we were still doing it the of-fashioned way, I wouldn't be reporting that!!
I'm also feeling a small amount of anxiety. The root of it is this: I'm fully aware that this cycle may not be ours and we'd start the clock over again next weekend, but I'm anxious about how I would take it if that truly is the outcome in 7 or 8 days. What I want to avoid is shrouding myself in so much hope and positivity that if I do end up with a period in a week, my soul isn't crushed. I know we've got a couple more tries with Clomid/IUI planned and that protocol seems to fit us very well and it's so reasonably priced. The uncovered portion comes out to under $400 for us I think. So I'd like to think that I can keep my head above water next week if I get news I'm unhappy with. There is still time for us on this clock!
Body/Symptoms
For days 5-8 I was feeling some intense kind of cramping only on the right side of my lower abdomen/uterus. Every once in a while the feeling would jump to the left or be more centralized, but it was very focused on the right. Eventually, after 2 full days of it (5 and 6 dpiui) and then having it intensify the morning of the 3rd day (7dpiui), I was a little scared of an ectopic and called Elizabeth at CCRM. She said some ibuprofen is ok but if the discomfort comes through the ibuprofen, or if I have a fever, bleeding, or something else, call back immediately. So for the rest of 7dpiui, it was a discomfort I could handle (but pretty intense later at night) and I did some yoga and stretching before bed. When I woke up 8dpiui, I was almost worried that the feeling had subsided! It poked its head back in a little in the evening, but that's been it. So... who knows?! It could just be my right ovary normalizing itself after having to deal with being super stimulated by Clomid or being psyched out by the HCG trigger shot I took.
Breasts are a little on the heavy/tender side of things, but that's been somewhat standard in my cycle this past year so I'm not too excited about it. Also a good bit of watery/creamy CM, but you could easily chalk that up to me staying super hydrated.
My BBT hit a higher point than average this morning, 98.6, but I woke up just feeling so hot, it could just be an environmental influence. I've hit 98.6 a few times throughout the last year so it isn't completely unheard of during my tww. My chart is a little unusual looking though in that it appears as a steady climb up since ovulation. Once again, I'm trying to not read into it because it could just as easily start stair-stepping it's way down at any point and also my body had been introduced to a lot of chemicals it's never dealt with before which could easily influence BBT readings.
On the forums I've been visiting, there are a few ladies who got a positive HPT on their 10th day past IUI. I don't know if I'm totally crazy to try that tomorrow, but I'm tempted! Just unsure if there is a chance that the HCG trigger shot is still even a little in my system. Getting a false positive would in fact be a soul crusher.... I'll think a little more about it. Maybe wait till Sunday, 11dpiui.
Monday, July 14, 2014
5dpiui
We had a super busy weekend which is always a good thing when you are in the TWW part of your cycle. On Friday I had a million little errands to do including a mega grocery shopping trip to my favorite Whole Foods (I made a delish tofu stir fry that I was pretty proud of!). Saturday was a bit of a sleep-in day and then packing and food prep. J went to pick up a friend at the airport and we had some spicy egg salad sandwiches (sriracha! yes!) with arugula side salads and homemade key lime pie.
By 1pm we were in the car headed towards Leadville, CO. Based on the heinous traffic, we decided to stop at Breckenridge first to check in to our hotel. A second friend met us there and we strolled around town and had a snack on the sunshiny deck of Modis. Afterwards, J's ultra-runner friends went back to Leadville for the night and J and I celebrated his birthday (32! woo!) with Crepes a la Cart and then the best plate of nachos I've ever had!
Alarms were set for 3:15am Sunday morning. We rolled out of Breck by 4am and arrived in Leadville just after 5am for J's "Silver Rush 50" race. It was a pretty cool start and I was feeling oddly emotional. Was it pride for J? Was it the gorgeous rendition of the National Anthem? Was it just inspiration rubbing off from these 400+ insane athletes who train so hard and believe so deeply in their physical and mental abilities? But it could have been sleep deprivation or a weird hormone spike. Who knows... I've had a couple of weird medications thrown my way this month and I'm sure they are still affecting me.
So I had a long day of chasing J around the mountains, trying to catch him at various points. I spent a lot of time at a sweet little coffee shop and a lot of time in the car. I also spent a lot of time browsing - and subsequently killing my cell phone battery - through the forums on Fertile Thoughts. Very helpful to read notes from and correspond with other ladies where I am. There's a whole section for those of us going through IUI in July and I found one girl in particular who had her transfer on the same day.
5dpiui Summary
Five days later, where I am with things? I had a dip in my BBT this morning, a surprising 97.9, even though I didn't feel chilly at all when I woke up. Haven't noticed much in the CM department, but over the last several days it's either been really wet or creamy. There's been a little <ahem> breast or nipple sensitivity, but I attribute that to the spike in progesterone that should happen after ovulation. I've been feeling something in between cramps and little twinges in my lower abdomen for the last few days. I'm continuing the following:
Baby Aspirin (81mg)
Prenatal Multi Vitamin (2)
Immunotect capsule (2)
Maca capsule (gelatinized)
And I've stopped taking the DIM supplement. For whatever reason, that seems to stand out in my research as something that should be discontinued after pregnancy so I'm being cautious. I'm reluctant to give up the Maca because I credit that hormone balancer with keeping my endometrial lining nice and thick.
Concerns
Was worried about the spotting I saw on 2dpiui but feel confident now that it was just residual blood from the transfer. With the cramping I'm feeling, I have a worry about ectopic fertilization. The feelings have pretty consistently been on my right side and that's where all of my eggs matured. I've read a few anecdotal accounts of ectopic pregnancies being more common in IUI patients than natural conceptions. But none of those are from particularly reputable sources so I have no idea.
By 1pm we were in the car headed towards Leadville, CO. Based on the heinous traffic, we decided to stop at Breckenridge first to check in to our hotel. A second friend met us there and we strolled around town and had a snack on the sunshiny deck of Modis. Afterwards, J's ultra-runner friends went back to Leadville for the night and J and I celebrated his birthday (32! woo!) with Crepes a la Cart and then the best plate of nachos I've ever had!
Alarms were set for 3:15am Sunday morning. We rolled out of Breck by 4am and arrived in Leadville just after 5am for J's "Silver Rush 50" race. It was a pretty cool start and I was feeling oddly emotional. Was it pride for J? Was it the gorgeous rendition of the National Anthem? Was it just inspiration rubbing off from these 400+ insane athletes who train so hard and believe so deeply in their physical and mental abilities? But it could have been sleep deprivation or a weird hormone spike. Who knows... I've had a couple of weird medications thrown my way this month and I'm sure they are still affecting me.
So I had a long day of chasing J around the mountains, trying to catch him at various points. I spent a lot of time at a sweet little coffee shop and a lot of time in the car. I also spent a lot of time browsing - and subsequently killing my cell phone battery - through the forums on Fertile Thoughts. Very helpful to read notes from and correspond with other ladies where I am. There's a whole section for those of us going through IUI in July and I found one girl in particular who had her transfer on the same day.
5dpiui Summary
Five days later, where I am with things? I had a dip in my BBT this morning, a surprising 97.9, even though I didn't feel chilly at all when I woke up. Haven't noticed much in the CM department, but over the last several days it's either been really wet or creamy. There's been a little <ahem> breast or nipple sensitivity, but I attribute that to the spike in progesterone that should happen after ovulation. I've been feeling something in between cramps and little twinges in my lower abdomen for the last few days. I'm continuing the following:
Baby Aspirin (81mg)
Prenatal Multi Vitamin (2)
Immunotect capsule (2)
Maca capsule (gelatinized)
And I've stopped taking the DIM supplement. For whatever reason, that seems to stand out in my research as something that should be discontinued after pregnancy so I'm being cautious. I'm reluctant to give up the Maca because I credit that hormone balancer with keeping my endometrial lining nice and thick.
Concerns
Was worried about the spotting I saw on 2dpiui but feel confident now that it was just residual blood from the transfer. With the cramping I'm feeling, I have a worry about ectopic fertilization. The feelings have pretty consistently been on my right side and that's where all of my eggs matured. I've read a few anecdotal accounts of ectopic pregnancies being more common in IUI patients than natural conceptions. But none of those are from particularly reputable sources so I have no idea.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
1dpiui
That title looks like some kind of weirdo code. In a way, it is a kind of code. An abbreviation. What it abbreviates is that I'm 1 day past the IUI. Hopefully, when that code looks like "14dpiui" I'll be seeing a nice double line, a plus sign, a smiley face next to the text "Pregnant." I'll take any of those :)
So far there isn't much to report. I've been feeling mega lazy since being told that I should raise my heart rate over 140 bpm - running raises me far above that, an average of 175 bpm. For that reason I went out and had a leisurely 5 mile walk today. I absolutely had to bring my phone and make calls while I walked cause I knew I'd be thoroughly bored. As a reward, I stopped at REI on the way home to do some sleeping bag shopping and grab a few things for J's race this weekend.
When I got home from my walk and went in to shower up, I noticed some brown spotting. My heart kinda stopped for a sec. But I've spent some time reasoning it out. For starters, one day after the IUI means it isn't implantation bleeding. So my other theory: that obnoxious cervix of mine probably bled a little from all the poking around yesterday. After a long bit of movement this afternoon, I think the activity started up the mucous production which drained out the dried blood from yesterday.
There it is. That's my theory. I'm sticking with it. I also joined a forum website yesterday and found another girl on there who triggered and had her IUI the same days I did. Kinda cool! As of today, we have 13 days left in the eternal TWW (2 week wait).
So far there isn't much to report. I've been feeling mega lazy since being told that I should raise my heart rate over 140 bpm - running raises me far above that, an average of 175 bpm. For that reason I went out and had a leisurely 5 mile walk today. I absolutely had to bring my phone and make calls while I walked cause I knew I'd be thoroughly bored. As a reward, I stopped at REI on the way home to do some sleeping bag shopping and grab a few things for J's race this weekend.
When I got home from my walk and went in to shower up, I noticed some brown spotting. My heart kinda stopped for a sec. But I've spent some time reasoning it out. For starters, one day after the IUI means it isn't implantation bleeding. So my other theory: that obnoxious cervix of mine probably bled a little from all the poking around yesterday. After a long bit of movement this afternoon, I think the activity started up the mucous production which drained out the dried blood from yesterday.
There it is. That's my theory. I'm sticking with it. I also joined a forum website yesterday and found another girl on there who triggered and had her IUI the same days I did. Kinda cool! As of today, we have 13 days left in the eternal TWW (2 week wait).
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
IUI Day! IUI Day!
Here we are. The day of our first (only???) IUI. My anticipation for this day - Wednesday, July 9, has been building for weeks now. Here's how it all went down:
5:15am
ALARM! Took my BBT and it was slightly elevated (97.8 F). Since I had three follicles that looked like they would pop out three little eggies, I wonder if maybe one of them had already released in the wee hours this morning, elevating my temperature? Doesn't matter too much, the appointment is set no matter what!
6:15am
Left the apartment together with J's bike in the back so that he could ride home after work. Butterflies in the tummy! And some definite ov cramps.
7:00am
CCRM opens for business and J has an appointment with the cup. All went well.
7:20am
I drove J off to work about 10 minutes away and stopped for a delicious breakfast myself. Quinoa pancakes with fresh berries, greek yogurt and maple syrup. Heavenly. Put me in a right proper mood sitting out there in the gorgeous Colorado sunshine :)
9:00am
Took the elevator down to pick up J's washed sample from the lab. After washing, his numbers came to 90% motility, 3+ and 42.2 million count. The lab tech was very pleased with the sample and gave me many good wishes on my way out the door. (I also got a peek at the, uh, "sample procurement" room on my way out the door. Yup, Playboys. And a pad laid out on the chair. Sexy.)
9:20am
So here's where the magic happens. It was a room I'd already been in for a previous ultrasound, but this time the lights weren't dimmed since I wouldn't be watching anything on the screen. Aside from the massive discomfort I was about to experience, it was all very much like an annual pap. Speculum (but no cold jelly) and the bright light angled in. I warned the nurse, Helen, that many who have gone before her have been stumped by my cervix. She quickly became acquainted with the issues. It took longer than usual for the catheter to be inserted, but she was as gentle as possible and persevered. Evidently, my cervix has a couple of bends in it which it what makes catheter insertion so difficult. Surprise! Once she let me know that she was in, the whole thing was basically over. For something so monumental (well, potentially) there is just about no pomp to the whole thing. Just a few pats on the back, a smile or two, and kind "good lucks" on your way out the door.
$425 later, I was in the car on my way home. It's funny, actually taking out the credit card and paying for it had some sticker shock associated. But when I was in my regroup meeting with Dr. M back in June and we decided on IUI, the "few hundred dollars" price tag was a massive relief after the "tens of thousands" quoted on IVF. Phew.
Immediate Impressions
Wow that was so quick and straightforward... I can't believe we might have made a baby today without even being in the same room... I totally hate my cervix and hope it straightens itself out on the day that I'm blessed enough to have a vaginal delivery... The next two weeks need to be the most zen, chill, stress-free weeks of my life... My perspective should be one of complete optimism and positivity. Feeling any negativity about the procedure can only hurt the outcome and it won't make me less disappointed in the end if this doesn't work... We still have some time and patience for a few more tries... But this feels really good, after all, it only takes one tiny egg and one teeny sperm to have a little love affair <3
5:15am
ALARM! Took my BBT and it was slightly elevated (97.8 F). Since I had three follicles that looked like they would pop out three little eggies, I wonder if maybe one of them had already released in the wee hours this morning, elevating my temperature? Doesn't matter too much, the appointment is set no matter what!
6:15am
Left the apartment together with J's bike in the back so that he could ride home after work. Butterflies in the tummy! And some definite ov cramps.
7:00am
CCRM opens for business and J has an appointment with the cup. All went well.
7:20am
I drove J off to work about 10 minutes away and stopped for a delicious breakfast myself. Quinoa pancakes with fresh berries, greek yogurt and maple syrup. Heavenly. Put me in a right proper mood sitting out there in the gorgeous Colorado sunshine :)
9:00am
Took the elevator down to pick up J's washed sample from the lab. After washing, his numbers came to 90% motility, 3+ and 42.2 million count. The lab tech was very pleased with the sample and gave me many good wishes on my way out the door. (I also got a peek at the, uh, "sample procurement" room on my way out the door. Yup, Playboys. And a pad laid out on the chair. Sexy.)
9:20am
So here's where the magic happens. It was a room I'd already been in for a previous ultrasound, but this time the lights weren't dimmed since I wouldn't be watching anything on the screen. Aside from the massive discomfort I was about to experience, it was all very much like an annual pap. Speculum (but no cold jelly) and the bright light angled in. I warned the nurse, Helen, that many who have gone before her have been stumped by my cervix. She quickly became acquainted with the issues. It took longer than usual for the catheter to be inserted, but she was as gentle as possible and persevered. Evidently, my cervix has a couple of bends in it which it what makes catheter insertion so difficult. Surprise! Once she let me know that she was in, the whole thing was basically over. For something so monumental (well, potentially) there is just about no pomp to the whole thing. Just a few pats on the back, a smile or two, and kind "good lucks" on your way out the door.
$425 later, I was in the car on my way home. It's funny, actually taking out the credit card and paying for it had some sticker shock associated. But when I was in my regroup meeting with Dr. M back in June and we decided on IUI, the "few hundred dollars" price tag was a massive relief after the "tens of thousands" quoted on IVF. Phew.
Immediate Impressions
Wow that was so quick and straightforward... I can't believe we might have made a baby today without even being in the same room... I totally hate my cervix and hope it straightens itself out on the day that I'm blessed enough to have a vaginal delivery... The next two weeks need to be the most zen, chill, stress-free weeks of my life... My perspective should be one of complete optimism and positivity. Feeling any negativity about the procedure can only hurt the outcome and it won't make me less disappointed in the end if this doesn't work... We still have some time and patience for a few more tries... But this feels really good, after all, it only takes one tiny egg and one teeny sperm to have a little love affair <3
Oving HARD
Ohhhhmygoodness! The ovulation of three little eggs is definitely a feeling you can, uh, feeeel. Oh lordy. No, it isn't painful and I think it would be a stretch to call it a "discomfort." However, I'm feeling it hard. It feels like subtle cramps. Which I suppose makes sense since there are two or maybe three little cells traveling down a miniscule tube. 2 or 3x what usually happens each month. Woof.
I practically didn't sleep last night, it was definitely after midnight when I finally stopped noticing my racing heart. And I woke up just before the 5:15 alarm, noticing the lightening sky through the shades. There's almost a "Christmas morning" aura around my day. It's a little buzz of anxiety and excitement, nervousness that everything go perfectly right, the thrill that this could be the day.
ahhhhhhhh!
I practically didn't sleep last night, it was definitely after midnight when I finally stopped noticing my racing heart. And I woke up just before the 5:15 alarm, noticing the lightening sky through the shades. There's almost a "Christmas morning" aura around my day. It's a little buzz of anxiety and excitement, nervousness that everything go perfectly right, the thrill that this could be the day.
ahhhhhhhh!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Shoot 'Em Up
... Ovidrel style!
So I managed to "administer" my injection last night. Don't you just love the euphemistic medical language? I poked myself with a needle. Yowzers. My entire life I have been terrified of needles. I would practically hyperventilate when going in for routine bloodwork. Probably until I was, say, 26 when I strangely was compelled to start donating blood. Racing heart, sweaty palms... I can't say I was a strong candidate for self-administering an injection. On the other hand, all of this fertility nonsense has me pretty accustomed to needles now. Surely I do not enjoy a needle to the arm (or belly, or anywhere at all), but if I look away I can handle myself at least.
Of course, the Ovidrel injection required that I look directly at that little pinch of belly fat while I stabbed it with a "quick dart motion."
I made J count down from 5 for me after the alcohol had dried over the injection site. Elizabeth was right, I hardly felt a thing. The anticipation of sticking myself, along with the sight of a syringe sticking out of my abdomen, were positively the worst parts of the whole experience.
I hope with all of my heart I never have to do it again. Not because it was that awful, I could absolutely do it again, with my eyes shut I bet! We just want this to be over. We want this to be it. No more cycles, no more drugs, no more OPK strips, no more weekly envelopes in the mail from Cigna. Just a big, fat positive on my next test.
So I managed to "administer" my injection last night. Don't you just love the euphemistic medical language? I poked myself with a needle. Yowzers. My entire life I have been terrified of needles. I would practically hyperventilate when going in for routine bloodwork. Probably until I was, say, 26 when I strangely was compelled to start donating blood. Racing heart, sweaty palms... I can't say I was a strong candidate for self-administering an injection. On the other hand, all of this fertility nonsense has me pretty accustomed to needles now. Surely I do not enjoy a needle to the arm (or belly, or anywhere at all), but if I look away I can handle myself at least.
Of course, the Ovidrel injection required that I look directly at that little pinch of belly fat while I stabbed it with a "quick dart motion."
I made J count down from 5 for me after the alcohol had dried over the injection site. Elizabeth was right, I hardly felt a thing. The anticipation of sticking myself, along with the sight of a syringe sticking out of my abdomen, were positively the worst parts of the whole experience.
I hope with all of my heart I never have to do it again. Not because it was that awful, I could absolutely do it again, with my eyes shut I bet! We just want this to be over. We want this to be it. No more cycles, no more drugs, no more OPK strips, no more weekly envelopes in the mail from Cigna. Just a big, fat positive on my next test.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Pre-IUI Ultrasound
Today was my first check up since starting the Clomid. The ultrasound showed some impressive results!
8:30am - Monday, July 7
The first part of my appointment was the actual ultrasound with Jessica. It was pretty straightforward and I watched on the screen while she measured various follicles. Not much was going on with my left side... as per usual, at this point... but there was some activity going on in the right ovary that she was checking out. The process didn't take long, maybe 10 minutes total. Afterwards, I dressed and headed back to the waiting room and gorged myself on back issues of US Weekly. Amazing how many freaking celebrity babies are in that mag. Including a special spread on North West's first birthday party! Oy...
9:00am - Monday, July 7
My nurse called me in to review the results and do a backdated IUI consult. (Normally this is done prior to starting your Clomid course. I couldn't do the consult at the proper time since we were traveling, but Dr. M went over a bunch of important dos and don'ts at the June 20 appointment.) Other than the superficial side effects from Clomid, like mood swings and hot flashes, there can also be internal side effects. It frequently dries up whatever cervical mucous there is (impeding the production of eggwhite mucous which is problematic for couples using Clomid with intercourse), and can hinder the growth of a nice, fluffy uterine lining which can complicate implantation.
My ultrasound showed really positive results! My lining measured a healthy 8.9mm, which is right where it should be, even in a 100% natural cycle. As the ultrasound tech had suggested, nothing was really happening on my left side. There were three follicles, all measuring less than 10mm and not nearly large enough to mature and rupture as eggs. On my right side, however, there are three good looking follicles. My measurements are 22, 19 and 15mm. Our nurse gave me two insights that I thought were particularly interesting: First, if there are more than 3 viable follicles, they will cancel the IUI cycle due to the chance of multiple fertilizations. Second, as you can probably deduce from that statement, it is more common for the Clomid to stimulate only two viable follicles rather than three and so we've just upped our chances of a multiple fertilization. I had to sign an informed consent form to go forward with the cycle as scheduled.
In the years that Clomid has become a popular prescription for fertility issues, doctors have come under fire for the resultant multiple births and associated risks. Due to that, many REs (reproductive endocrinologists) are extremely sensitive to multiples and therefore do what they can to control the math.
Women have twins. It happens, naturally. What's the big deal?? That's what I had thought, too. The most common risks in a multiple gestation probably don't seem all that scary to someone who hasn't had a baby because we hear about happy-ending stories all the time: poor vision, pre-term labor, low birth weight. Modern medicine makes these things seem commonplace, but as an expectant mother, you don't want to see your infant up against any of these things. There are also very serious complications that range from miscarriage, stillbirth, diminished brain development (i.e. cerebral palsy) to problems for mom like elevated blood pressure, diabetes, and greater incidence of nausea/vomiting. So... no thanks.
The original plan Dr. M devised for me meant that I would monitor my cycle for ovulation with OPK strips and then call the office when I had a positive. Given my great response to the medication and the size of the three follicles, our nurse determined it was best to trigger my ovulation with Ovidrel (an injection of hCG, human chorionic gonadotropin). Waiting too long could either allow the follicle to grow too large, or allow ovulation to occur naturally at a time that wasn't ideal for the IUI transfer in the office. I was given a pre-filled syringe of Ovidrel with strict instructions to get it home to the fridge and then administer it PRECISELY 36 hours before my transfer. So, 9pm tonight. Yipes!
I'm excited. I'm optimistic. I'm hopeful. I'm also a little nervous. Excuse the pun, but I'm afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket - meaning, the mathematical odds of this working on the first try aren't terribly high. So I'm trying to toe the line between optimism and realism. Not an easy line to draw. The current strategy: put all of my faith behind this procedure - we are very strong candidates for success - and if it doesn't work out, know that we've still got plenty of resources to lean on for more attempts.
HERE WE GO!
8:30am - Monday, July 7
The first part of my appointment was the actual ultrasound with Jessica. It was pretty straightforward and I watched on the screen while she measured various follicles. Not much was going on with my left side... as per usual, at this point... but there was some activity going on in the right ovary that she was checking out. The process didn't take long, maybe 10 minutes total. Afterwards, I dressed and headed back to the waiting room and gorged myself on back issues of US Weekly. Amazing how many freaking celebrity babies are in that mag. Including a special spread on North West's first birthday party! Oy...
9:00am - Monday, July 7
My nurse called me in to review the results and do a backdated IUI consult. (Normally this is done prior to starting your Clomid course. I couldn't do the consult at the proper time since we were traveling, but Dr. M went over a bunch of important dos and don'ts at the June 20 appointment.) Other than the superficial side effects from Clomid, like mood swings and hot flashes, there can also be internal side effects. It frequently dries up whatever cervical mucous there is (impeding the production of eggwhite mucous which is problematic for couples using Clomid with intercourse), and can hinder the growth of a nice, fluffy uterine lining which can complicate implantation.
My ultrasound showed really positive results! My lining measured a healthy 8.9mm, which is right where it should be, even in a 100% natural cycle. As the ultrasound tech had suggested, nothing was really happening on my left side. There were three follicles, all measuring less than 10mm and not nearly large enough to mature and rupture as eggs. On my right side, however, there are three good looking follicles. My measurements are 22, 19 and 15mm. Our nurse gave me two insights that I thought were particularly interesting: First, if there are more than 3 viable follicles, they will cancel the IUI cycle due to the chance of multiple fertilizations. Second, as you can probably deduce from that statement, it is more common for the Clomid to stimulate only two viable follicles rather than three and so we've just upped our chances of a multiple fertilization. I had to sign an informed consent form to go forward with the cycle as scheduled.
***
Let's just pause for a moment. People can get real fired up when they hear any of the following: "multiples," "twins," triplets," and "Clomid" even. For people labelled as "Unexplained Infertile" like ourselves, it's important to remember the law of small numbers you're dealing with, as well as the risks associated with multiple embryos. For starters, our chances of getting pregs this cycle are only 8-12%, which I believe is only about half the likelihood of a normal couple conceiving in a given cycle. If we are lucky enough to end up with fertilization and implantation and a BFP (yep, "big fat positive" test), the stats on having two of those eggs become fertilized and give us twins? Only 10%. I'm no mathematician, but 10% of an 8-12% window seem like awfully miniscule odds! And one step further, the chances of triplets - all THREE of my eggs being fertilized - would be under 1%.In the years that Clomid has become a popular prescription for fertility issues, doctors have come under fire for the resultant multiple births and associated risks. Due to that, many REs (reproductive endocrinologists) are extremely sensitive to multiples and therefore do what they can to control the math.
Women have twins. It happens, naturally. What's the big deal?? That's what I had thought, too. The most common risks in a multiple gestation probably don't seem all that scary to someone who hasn't had a baby because we hear about happy-ending stories all the time: poor vision, pre-term labor, low birth weight. Modern medicine makes these things seem commonplace, but as an expectant mother, you don't want to see your infant up against any of these things. There are also very serious complications that range from miscarriage, stillbirth, diminished brain development (i.e. cerebral palsy) to problems for mom like elevated blood pressure, diabetes, and greater incidence of nausea/vomiting. So... no thanks.
***
The original plan Dr. M devised for me meant that I would monitor my cycle for ovulation with OPK strips and then call the office when I had a positive. Given my great response to the medication and the size of the three follicles, our nurse determined it was best to trigger my ovulation with Ovidrel (an injection of hCG, human chorionic gonadotropin). Waiting too long could either allow the follicle to grow too large, or allow ovulation to occur naturally at a time that wasn't ideal for the IUI transfer in the office. I was given a pre-filled syringe of Ovidrel with strict instructions to get it home to the fridge and then administer it PRECISELY 36 hours before my transfer. So, 9pm tonight. Yipes!
I'm excited. I'm optimistic. I'm hopeful. I'm also a little nervous. Excuse the pun, but I'm afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket - meaning, the mathematical odds of this working on the first try aren't terribly high. So I'm trying to toe the line between optimism and realism. Not an easy line to draw. The current strategy: put all of my faith behind this procedure - we are very strong candidates for success - and if it doesn't work out, know that we've still got plenty of resources to lean on for more attempts.
HERE WE GO!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Cycle Day 7: BOGO Sale
Buy one, get one... Two posts for the price of one. Here's the update of what I didn't know when I wrote the previous post.
1) I believe I have a new symptom to record: hot flashes. It's summer time and NJ has been having some wretchedly hot 90+ degree days with insane humidity, so I could be off-base here. However, the fact that I'd sit around the air conditioned house during the day and actually feel chilly enough for a blanket and then totally sweat my tush off when going to sleep kind of makes me think... maybe that's what a hot flash feels like! I was literally dripping sweat and had to throw off the sheet and turn the AC down a touch. I hold out hope that I'll never have need for clomid again (!!!!) but in case I do, remember the hot flashes...
2) No in-laws this holiday weekend, after all. Bummer. I've been sitting in the airport all evening waiting for my 5:15 pm flight to depart while they've been at the Philly airport also waiting. Unfortunately their flight was finally cancelled (it's now 11pm). As for me, I did get on the plane for about two hours. But a brilliant airport employee left the jetbridge unsecured and the storm that came through before we pushed off from the gate smashed the equipment into our wing. WOMP womp :( So we all deplaned and have been waiting ever since for a new aircraft to come in from another place in the country with no storms (not a lot of those tonight. hurricanes and storm cells abound!) Hoping for a plane in the next 30 minutes or so... which will get me into Denver just before 2:30am. Poor J needs to come pick me up then. Ouch.
The Irony:
I really had stopped worrying about wacky mood swings with the in laws. All I'm feeling is a touch over-emotional, but I've been keeping good control of that when I realize it is a chemically induced over-reaction.
The Good News:
None of this effects our ultrasound or IUI schedule! Deep breath in, deep breath out..... Very excited about our dates next week.
None of this effects our ultrasound or IUI schedule! Deep breath in, deep breath out..... Very excited about our dates next week.
Cycle Day 7
Today is the seventh day of my cycle and I've taken the full course of clomid- all 5 pills at 50mg doses. I'm definitely feeling the overstimulation in the ovaries, though primarily in the right side. In my previous two natural cycles I've had ultrasounds that showed my right ovary was dominant and my HSG revealed a very slow spill of dye on the left. Just gives me pause, room to wonder what the deal is with my left side and why it's riding the short bus.
Aside from feeling my hyperactive ovaries kicking into gear, I'm pleased to say I'm not feeling many other symptoms - probably because I'm on what seems to be the lowest dose. This last week I've been "vacationing" at my parents' in NJ and my mom and I are swapping lots of stories, memories, general catch up stuff. Whenever she lobs one at me that is even remotely emotional I get crazy choked up. Funny enough, that's the extent of my over-emotional, PMS-y mood swings. So far :) J's parents are visiting Denver with us for this upcoming holiday weekend and I'm a little anxious about ending up with sick mood swings while they happen to be staying with us. Eeek! I'll need to remember to stay focused, present and calm.
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