Saturday, November 29, 2014

Baby's First Photo

So I called my darling nurse Lana on Monday to report my dizziness and the sharp pains in my right pelvic zone. After checking in with Dr. M, I had an appointment made for me at 1pm. They were obviously concerned about an ectopic so I was slated for a urinalysis, sonogram and blood work. No matter the results I was so relieved that I wouldn't be spending a whole week at home in NJ wondering whether or not I was having a tubal pregnancy.

My sonographer, Emily, got the dildo camera right up in there and immediately spotted the gestational sac and yolk sac right where it needed to be. Massive sigh of relief, accompanied by the heart-racing excitement of having good news and seeing that little ball on the screen. 

Once Lana and Dr. M saw the sonogram results there was no need to take blood, phew. Being only 5 weeks and 4 days, there was no heartbeat to check for yet but I did get to take two pictures of my little lentil to show daddy back in New York. 

We also decided to tell family this week since we don't know when we'll see everyone in person again. Wednesday was my mom's birthday and we had reservations for her fave restaurant. I'd ordered a pair of silver earrings and a silver necklace with a ruby pendant for her and we'd also invites J's parents to join for dinner. After our apps course, I pulled out the two jewelry boxes and when she opened the necklace I explained the significance of the little pyrite bead on the back and then said, "And the ruby is the July birthstone." That comment seemed to fall flat until my step dad questioned it after a few seconds. So J and I each repeated a couple times "yup, birthstone for July" hoping it might sink in. Finally, Mom looked up at me trying to figure out why it was important and all the pieces started to come together. She totally cried like a baby, just as I anticipated :p 

Needless to say, we all had a great time at dinner. Everyone was pretty shocked. Well, 'cept J's mom who was expecting us to "make an announcement" this visit. She also squarely believes we've got a girl cooking. I'll take it!

P.S. My boobs are out of control painful, it is The Worst to take my bra off every night. On the flip side, still no running to the bathroom to puke so that's pretty awesome!

Monday, November 24, 2014

5 weeks, 4 days

So here we are, still pregs. I've been reading a crapload of fertility blogs since the summer and it's always been interesting for me to see which women continue to post after a positive test and which feel like it's time to move on. It seems that for many who decide not to continue, there's a concern of making other infertile sisters who are still going through the ringer feel bad by posting all the fun pregnancy updates. And you know, I totally respect that decision and understand those feelings. I think I'm in a different boat at this point... Here are some thoughts.


  1. This blog got started with the purpose of sorting out my feelings because, since our move to CO from the east coast, I have few friends that I feel comfortable sharing all of this information with. And J, being the stoic that he is, can only handle so much of my chatter. The other purpose was to have a holding place to document and summarize everything I was doing on this journey. And my feeling is that this journey continues, just with a new chapter.
  2. Let's be real - not many people read this! I only have one friend who I shared this link with and since we don't get to catch up nearly as much as we'd like, I'm thinking she's open to reading all my blather whenever she gets time on the train ;)
  3. I've been totally freaked since yesterday evening that there is cause for concern and I'll be calling my nurse in about 20 minutes when the office opens. I was lightheaded or dizzy very frequently over the weekend and that was accompanied by a fabulous stabbing pain in my lower right side last night. These are two things she cautioned me about with the words: Call Me. My frenemy, Google, explains that these can be symptoms of an ectopic. Jesus, that's all I need. It makes me sad to think that I'd step away from this blogy thing because I got good news and then as soon as something bad happens, I come running back. Isn't it better to have happy things to write about, too?? :)

I'd hate to think that my course of reasoning sounds selfish or cold. I hope that it makes sense. There are plenty of wonderful, beautiful, and, at times, heart wrenching stories being shared out there in the blogosphere. And if you stumble across mine and it doesn't resonate... Well it's totally cool to move on until you find something that's the right fit. I know I've certainly done my share of blog surfing, passing on the stories that I just know I won't be able to stick with for one reason or another.

And in the meantime I'm going to continue to silently lose my sh!t here at my desk until my nurse calls me with useful information.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

I'm starving

... And everything I can think of to eat sounds super gross and gives me the queazies. What's a girl to do? Trip to Whole Foods?

I also woke up at 2:30, 4:30, 5:15 and 6:30am, at which point I just threw in the towel on sleeping in and took Lexi for a 4 mile walk. So I'm totally wiped out. 

But I love every uncomfortable minute of this <3 Could not be happier. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

How Do Working Women Do This?

Good god, I'm trying so hard to focus on work right now instead of wanting to puke in the trash can. It's about 11am and I've accomplished ONE meeting and ONE report. That's all I've done so far. I got here at 7:05am. 

It's a weird sensation. I wouldn't say that I'm full-blown nauseous-slash-ready to run for the bathroom... but having the serious queazies. The idea of eating or drinking anything at all is a total turn off and I can't make my brain zero in on actual work.

Millions of women work while pregs. How?!

Also. I ate half a doughnut this morning. Dumb dumb dumb idea.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

No Beta Dramas Here

My dear nurse Lana took her sweet time calling with my blood test results today. I mean, I still love the girl and I know she has a serious job, of which phone calls are only a small part, and always done in the late afternoon. But daaaaaaamn I thought I'd hear back before 4pm! I was totally zen til maybe 2pm when I started falling asleep at my desk and feeling anxious to just call it a day.

I waited and waited for hours and hours. I checked my phone and email over and over again in case there was any message that came in during the 3 seconds that I wasn't paying attention. When Lana finally called, when I had completely given up on hearing today, I was in the car blasting music and completely missed the call. Doh! But, being the fab nurse she is, she left me a perfect message full of detail!

hCG Level: 2673 mIU/ml (CCRM wants to see it over 50) 

Progesterone Level: 73.8 nmol/L (should be between 32.6 and 140)


Bottom line? At 19dpiui, I'm pretty gosh darn pregs and Dr. M sees no reason to do a follow up beta test. Woo! I'm supposed to call back tomorrow to schedule my first ultrasound. squeeeeeee!

I thought I'd done a good job of staying chill all day while I waited around, but as I listened to her message and began tearing up (let's be straight, I was on the verge of hyperventilating), I finally realized how much anxiety I'd been holding. Would the number indicate a chemical pregnancy? What about ectopic? Would it just be low enough to cause general concern about the viability? When I listened to her recount the numbers in the message, my jaw literally dropped. It was so much higher than I expected! 

The news makes me feel a little more confident about telling my family over Thanksgiving. Even though it's traditionally "too soon," I can't imagine not sharing this news face to face and, sadly, I have no idea when I'll get to see them all again. We still will wait to tell J's family until they visit us at the end of December. At that point, we'll be closer to the second trimester. Not sure when I'll actually get to have the ultrasound since I'll only be in town until next Monday. That will mark 5 weeks and I'm sure that will be too early. Waiting over a week until I'm back in Denver is going to build up some crazy anticipation!

The month of November is carrying an unreal amount of gratitude for me this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe! <3

Monday, November 17, 2014

Here We Go

This fertility journey sure is insane. You're always on a roller coaster, though some days you find that you've gotten off one ride just to board another one. There's the Hope Coaster, the Depression Coaster, the Anger Coaster. And maybe if you're doing a lot of yoga, meditation and acupuncture, you get a few spins on that lovely, relaxing Ferris Wheel with great views. 

I've been hanging out on the Ferris Wheel for a bit now, I'm glad to say. It's a ride I always enjoy at any kind of amusement park. I just love the feeling of looking out and seeing everything spread out below me. There's so much to see and imagine, so much that is happening below you that you aren't even aware of. If I were getting philosophical I'd try to wrap that into some metaphor for living a beautiful life. But I'm busy at work (yep! I got myself a job about a week and a half ago. Go me!) and don't have a lot of space in my brain for flowery metaphors. 

Turns out it's time for me to board a new ride. I've been so scared that I was going to have to get in line for the scariest ride in the park - one that's sure to shake you about, turn your stomach, make you question what you've done wrong in life, and whether you'll actually come out in one piece - the IVF Coaster. Now, I love the thrill of a good, adrenaline-boosting ride, but I've found that as I get older, these rides aren't really agreeing with me. Last summer I blacked out on a roller coaster in Wisconsin! I've never blacked out in my life. Well... 'cept that night in college... Totally different. But I was so scared by the prospect of that ride that I didn't fully appreciate how it would feel if it turned out that I didn't need to get on that ride. That maybe, just maybe, all the stars would align and I'd be getting on the I-Just-Got-My-First-Ever-Positive-HPT Ride. 

Yeah, it's true. That's my new roller coaster. Here's the proof:

I'm not sure what to make of it still. As I start to think about what may lay ahead in the next 9 months I actually feel like an imposter. Like I'm on stage acting out a part from a script. It's someone else's life. I'm just standing in and pretending to be the girl who needs to figure out when to tell family, when to tell friends, what hospital to deliver at, when maternity clothes will be necessary, how long before someone at work notices. There are some emotional scars that remain, for sure. PTSD? Eh, that's probably overkill.

What's going to make it real? When will I feel safe from the infertility monster? I guess my blood work tomorrow will be a first step. Those hcg numbers will surely tell a tale. But after that? I probably won't feel settled in for the long haul until January. Maybe when CCRM graduates me to my regular OB. The truth is, full-term pregnancy is an honest-to-god miracle. There are so many things that can go wrong. Whether or not you're aware of it, you probably know someone who has had a miscarriage or a pre-term birth. It happens more frequently than most people are willing to recognize in polite company. Because it's goshdarn terrifying and no one wants to talk about it.

Other than feeling like kind of a fraud when J and I talk out loud about The Positive, I'm freaking elated. I took a test at 5:30am on Saturday morning and totally silent-cried in the bathroom as I watched the second pink line slowly darken as the seconds ticked by. I couldn't fall back asleep so I took pups for a walk and then we hung out on the couch watching tv til J woke up. I still wasn't ready to tell him. I was afraid it wasn't real. I'd hidden the test strip under my side of the vanity and kept going back to look at it, as if the line would have disappeared or that I dreamed the whole thing. 

The inspection on our new house was at 9:00am and, being a total novice, I thought it might take 1-2 hours. WRONG! We finished up at 1:30, at which point we took a lunch break. Knowing that the results of the inspection were pretty positive with only a handful of minor fixes, we were ready to appliance shop. But I couldn't keep it back much longer. It felt so anticlimactic to just spit it out and, frankly, the words "I'm pregnant" sounded far too risky in my head. So I asked J to drop me in front of Target after lunch so I could grab something. Truthfully, I needed nail polish remover but I also wanted something to hand over. A concrete object that would tell J: this is happening. We are going to start crib shopping whilst we search for a dining room table. 

I looked for a cute onesie but was far from impressed by the selection. Nothing called out to me as the "right thing." No precious little shoes either. And then I passed a section of monogram mugs. There was a green and white chevron one with a big letter D. And I immediately thought: Daddy. Into the basket for check out. 

As we pulled into a spot for Crate & Barrel, I said to J, "I hope you don't mind but I got you something in Target." He seemed intrigued as I fumbled to grasp the mug in the plastic bag. I handed it to him and said, "This," grandly, "is your new favorite mug."

"OK, but what's the D for?"

"It's for Daddy."

"Well," with kind of a sad and confused laugh, "don't I actually need to BE a daddy first...?"

"Yeah," nodding. "Well, you're going to be."

Poor guy. He didn't know what was going on for a good 10 seconds. And then it hit him like a city bus. His face turned bright red, I'm sure I spotted a little dampness in those eyes, and he grabbed me into him over the console of the car. And then after he released me, he grabbed me back again. For such a stoic and unemotional fellow, that was a much greater reaction than I ever expected!

The rest of the day was full of high fives, hugs, and washer/dryer shopping. We're both still wrapping our heads around this.  My guess is that I'm a little more guarded than he is after all the reading and research I've done this last year+ but I'm still incredibly thankful to have this first step forward. 

And to KRQ: whenever you read this, you're likely the 1st person to find out! So, shhh...That's what you get for following this story ;) Miss you!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

5 DPIUI

Today is my last day as an unemployed! Woot woot! My new job is a contract position, but here's hoping they like me so much they want to hire me full time at the conclusion.

As for being 5 days past IUI... I'm feeling nothing really. Still hopeful though! I felt so much amazing, positive energy following the IUI last Thursday that my plan is to just roll with that until I'm proven otherwise. In fact, one of the nurses in the room with me that day pronounced, "Now you're pregnant!" as soon as we all watched J's sample get injected into my uterus. We all laughed, commenting things like - hope it's that easy!

The only thing I can report right now is feeling some gentle cramping in that sweet little uterus fig. Not anything like a period, just a little action going on there. But every single cycle feels a bit different so I can't read into that at all and it's been going on for the last 3 days so... yeah. I'm back to temp charting again, but at this point in the cycle I can't say that those temps are revealing anything interesting; just elevated, as they should be post-ov.