9 Weeks Graduated!

Well there's Little H. I got to visit with him/her yesterday at my CCRM graduation appointment. Those folks there are really fab and I especially love Ruby, the new lab technician. Emily has been a sweet ultrasound tech, doing nearly every one of my appointments, and Dr. M herself gave me a lot of confidence in the two appointments we had with her. My new nurse, Lana, as darling as she is, was really only the harbinger of my exciting change of status - I've hardly seen her at all since she was assigned to me only for our pregnancy cycle. But, when all is said and done, I don't want to see any of them ever again!! If you've had to work with a fertility clinic, you know what I mean. If you've been diagnosed as "unexplained infertile," you get it. I'll spend the next 18-24 months praying that the next time I want to be pregnant, I'll be able to do it the good ol' fashioned way. I mean, who knows?! Stranger things have certainly happened.

So I was very unceremoniously graduated from the clinic yesterday, praise god. The u/s tech and my nurse were extremely pleased with how the little bugger was measuring and moving. My, oh, my, this little one has places to be! We got a look at him at approximately 2:30 in the afternoon and he looked like he was getting set to sprint across some imaginary finish line! Hands were waving, feets were shuffling, it was really incredible. And I could see her little heart muscle pump-pump-pumping. Emily was especially enamored with her feet flying around. The head is laying near my right side and the feet extend sideways to my left. Seems like an odd position but what do I know...

At 9w4d I am feeling remarkably unpregnant. Virtually no nausea and my exhaustion could easily be chalked up to the crazy move we did about 10 days ago and my daily 5:20am alarm setting. Not feeling crazy emotional either, peeing seems to be a rather normal schedule. Some days I feel nervous about the lack of typical symptoms, but Nurse Erin said to roll with it and love every minute. So that is what I shall do :) I do have pretty tender boobs though. And a funny moment today: one of my colleagues is in her 2nd trimester and I was in a meeting with her this morning that wrapped up close to 12. She was commenting that we really needed to finish soon cause she just had to eat and I agreed saying, "Yeah I'm ravenous. I don't know why I'm so hungry!" Her response to me? Amusingly: "Hey, maybe you're pregnant." Haha. yeah, maybe I am ;)

Thus far, I think I've been subconsciously very guarded about this little one. While I've been very outwardly excited with anyone who knows, deeper in my heart I keep feeling concern and I think I've been staying a bit disconnected. In a way that's an easy default setting for me because of how difficult the last year+ has been. And I'm sure most first-tri mommies go through that when there aren't many (or any) physical signs of what's happening. But now, after such a strong showing at her 9 week appointment, I think I'm ready to really go all-in, emotionally. I also took a hospital tour over the weekend and that helped push me forward a bit. Our chances of having a healthy, full-term birth are no better or worse than anyone else's - I need to just believe in this, 100%, no questions asked. So I'm going for it.

Emily printed several extra copies of our best u/s images and I promptly cut them out and placed them in the engraved silver frames that are currently on a flight to my dad in NY and my grandmother in FL. The news is seriously on its way and we plan to tell the family friends we're spending Christmas with. 

Surprise! 

Baby H

Arriving July 2015

Face Plant

I hate when you bite into a "veggie" burger and are met with a completely beige patty of grain. Where's the veggies, man?! How is this considered a veggie burger when the veggies are conspicuously lacking? Not a speck of green, a spot of red, forget orange or yellow either. It's just freaking rice and other unidentifiable grains. I basically ate a rehydrated ricecake for lunch, on a buttery toasted bun. Oy.

That could explain my headache and nausea and complete, utter exhaustion.

Or it could be the raspberry I'm growing... hard to say.

Moving and Sleeping

We've moved! Officially homeowners for the very first time. We closed on our house on Thursday afternoon, took 2 car loads of boxes over to the house after leaving work at 6pm, did a similar clown dance on Friday with the addition of picking up a friend at the airport, we packed and moved all blessed day on Saturday until about 11pm and then got up after a fitful sleep in the new house and cleared out the old apartment. Up at 5:30 today, woo!

Not a lot of time for sleep.

In the big picture, life is totally awesome and I'm supremely excited about so much. In the smaller, mundane, day-to-day snapshots, I feel kind of grumbly. My panic at maybe not being pregs anymore is starting to subside; there is truthfully no way I could feel this completely "ick" without having a raspberry growing down in that uterus. But, it isn't completely wiped away. The only thing that would help is the next ultrasound which was scheduled for Thursday morning. And thanks to an annoying scheduling issue at work, I can't make it anymore. The reschedule is now a whole week away, next Monday. Sad times.

Also, that Thursday appointment had me looking forward to getting some time out of this office. My boss told me Friday that they won't be hiring my contract position full time after the end date. So, provided I still in fact am pregnant, I will be looking for a new job when I'm about 15 weeks along. Mother hecker. That piece of information has also left me incredibly unmotivated with this job. I'm just so not feeling it anymore. I want to go home and furniture shop and job hunt and freaking sleep already.

I just really want to sleep. pleasey please.

My diet has gone to total trash, also. I've been working long hours since J and I share a car and I have virtually no attention span or time to meal plan and grocery shop. We're been eating a ton of take out and restaurant food and not nearly enough good, healthy, nutrient-dense meals at home. I can tell my body is aching for my old eating habits but I just can't get into the swing of things. Oy! That surely is contributing to my grumpiness. I always feel better when I'm eating well.

Three cheers to getting my house in order. Literally and figuratively. Probably next weekend...

Neurotic & Paranoid

Can you still be pregnant if you don't feel queasy or nauseous anymore?

• I woke up a little hungry but not too bad. 
• I had no need for my requisite bag of Cheerios on the way to work.
• Yogurt for breakfast didn't turn my stomach.
• The raw onions in my bean salad aren't making me want to hurl like they did the last 2 days.

What if my little blueberry stopped growing? What if this is all over? I have to wait an entire 8 days until I go for another check-up.

I've read one too many horror stories about having a great ultrasound and then, expecting everything to be sunshine & daisies at the next appointment, discover that the little life apparently flickered out just in the day or two after that beautiful photo op. (Well, frankly, if I've read 10 stories of that happening then it's about ten too many...) My boobs barely hurt anymore. The weirdo pregnancy-insomnia seems to be gone. Is this because I had an acupuncture appointment on Saturday? Is that why all the symptoms feel better?? Or did all that needling disrupt the perfect harmony in my body and make everything stop? :(

Gosh I want to be positive but this is just gnawing and me deeper and deeper with each passing minute! I totally have the sads right now.

135 bpm

We had our first regularly-scheduled ultrasound today! My office says I'm 6w5d but the little blueberry in my uterus says it's been 7 weeks even. I guess he's big for his age??? We weren't able to actually hear a heartbeat, I suppose because blueberry is just so itty-bitty, but we saw that little heartspace fluttering away on the screen and our ultrasound tech, Emily, said it measured at a strong 135bpm. The top mass that is longer shaped is Baby Blueberry and the mass just below her (?) that looks like a heart shape (or a triangle, if you're less of a romantic) is the yolk sac that's keeping her fed.

I'm letting myself think about all sorts of wild things like... what it will be like to have a little one toddling around the new house a couple years from now... how strange it will be for a carseat to be a semi-permanent fixture in the backseat... the logistics of our mothers coming to stay with us after the birth in the summer...how we'll plan our holidays next year when there is a 5 or 6 month old to consider. It's so, well, shocking to my system to think about all of it! I pushed those thoughts away for the last year so it's a bit like uncharted territory.

Mom and I started to throw around shower ideas this week which, on one hand seems nutty, but on the other... well, it just seems smart! I would love if it could be a surprise - that's what I'd always imagined. But living across the country now and having to schedule flights. It's just overwhelming to consider all of it being done clandestinely! Truthfully, I'm happy to have input because I really don't want to do a traditional thing anyway. Definitely want to throw a co-ed bash! Now that we're so far away, it seems like one of very few opportunities to see extended family and friends and to eliminate 50% of them cause they are male? Well it just don't feel right! This obviously turns it into a more low-key party because we're starting with an 80-person guest list (eeep!) and throws a small wrench into the where-to-host-it matter. We'll have friends and family coming from Long Island, Manhattan, Central Jersey and Bucks County, PA. Manhattan is obviously the most central, but bound to be most expensive. What's a girl to do?!

For now, I'm just focused on getting my blueberry to keep on growing safe & sound. Oh, and also to get permanently hired before anyone figures out I'm pregs!