Here We Go

This fertility journey sure is insane. You're always on a roller coaster, though some days you find that you've gotten off one ride just to board another one. There's the Hope Coaster, the Depression Coaster, the Anger Coaster. And maybe if you're doing a lot of yoga, meditation and acupuncture, you get a few spins on that lovely, relaxing Ferris Wheel with great views. 

I've been hanging out on the Ferris Wheel for a bit now, I'm glad to say. It's a ride I always enjoy at any kind of amusement park. I just love the feeling of looking out and seeing everything spread out below me. There's so much to see and imagine, so much that is happening below you that you aren't even aware of. If I were getting philosophical I'd try to wrap that into some metaphor for living a beautiful life. But I'm busy at work (yep! I got myself a job about a week and a half ago. Go me!) and don't have a lot of space in my brain for flowery metaphors. 

Turns out it's time for me to board a new ride. I've been so scared that I was going to have to get in line for the scariest ride in the park - one that's sure to shake you about, turn your stomach, make you question what you've done wrong in life, and whether you'll actually come out in one piece - the IVF Coaster. Now, I love the thrill of a good, adrenaline-boosting ride, but I've found that as I get older, these rides aren't really agreeing with me. Last summer I blacked out on a roller coaster in Wisconsin! I've never blacked out in my life. Well... 'cept that night in college... Totally different. But I was so scared by the prospect of that ride that I didn't fully appreciate how it would feel if it turned out that I didn't need to get on that ride. That maybe, just maybe, all the stars would align and I'd be getting on the I-Just-Got-My-First-Ever-Positive-HPT Ride. 

Yeah, it's true. That's my new roller coaster. Here's the proof:

I'm not sure what to make of it still. As I start to think about what may lay ahead in the next 9 months I actually feel like an imposter. Like I'm on stage acting out a part from a script. It's someone else's life. I'm just standing in and pretending to be the girl who needs to figure out when to tell family, when to tell friends, what hospital to deliver at, when maternity clothes will be necessary, how long before someone at work notices. There are some emotional scars that remain, for sure. PTSD? Eh, that's probably overkill.

What's going to make it real? When will I feel safe from the infertility monster? I guess my blood work tomorrow will be a first step. Those hcg numbers will surely tell a tale. But after that? I probably won't feel settled in for the long haul until January. Maybe when CCRM graduates me to my regular OB. The truth is, full-term pregnancy is an honest-to-god miracle. There are so many things that can go wrong. Whether or not you're aware of it, you probably know someone who has had a miscarriage or a pre-term birth. It happens more frequently than most people are willing to recognize in polite company. Because it's goshdarn terrifying and no one wants to talk about it.

Other than feeling like kind of a fraud when J and I talk out loud about The Positive, I'm freaking elated. I took a test at 5:30am on Saturday morning and totally silent-cried in the bathroom as I watched the second pink line slowly darken as the seconds ticked by. I couldn't fall back asleep so I took pups for a walk and then we hung out on the couch watching tv til J woke up. I still wasn't ready to tell him. I was afraid it wasn't real. I'd hidden the test strip under my side of the vanity and kept going back to look at it, as if the line would have disappeared or that I dreamed the whole thing. 

The inspection on our new house was at 9:00am and, being a total novice, I thought it might take 1-2 hours. WRONG! We finished up at 1:30, at which point we took a lunch break. Knowing that the results of the inspection were pretty positive with only a handful of minor fixes, we were ready to appliance shop. But I couldn't keep it back much longer. It felt so anticlimactic to just spit it out and, frankly, the words "I'm pregnant" sounded far too risky in my head. So I asked J to drop me in front of Target after lunch so I could grab something. Truthfully, I needed nail polish remover but I also wanted something to hand over. A concrete object that would tell J: this is happening. We are going to start crib shopping whilst we search for a dining room table. 

I looked for a cute onesie but was far from impressed by the selection. Nothing called out to me as the "right thing." No precious little shoes either. And then I passed a section of monogram mugs. There was a green and white chevron one with a big letter D. And I immediately thought: Daddy. Into the basket for check out. 

As we pulled into a spot for Crate & Barrel, I said to J, "I hope you don't mind but I got you something in Target." He seemed intrigued as I fumbled to grasp the mug in the plastic bag. I handed it to him and said, "This," grandly, "is your new favorite mug."

"OK, but what's the D for?"

"It's for Daddy."

"Well," with kind of a sad and confused laugh, "don't I actually need to BE a daddy first...?"

"Yeah," nodding. "Well, you're going to be."

Poor guy. He didn't know what was going on for a good 10 seconds. And then it hit him like a city bus. His face turned bright red, I'm sure I spotted a little dampness in those eyes, and he grabbed me into him over the console of the car. And then after he released me, he grabbed me back again. For such a stoic and unemotional fellow, that was a much greater reaction than I ever expected!

The rest of the day was full of high fives, hugs, and washer/dryer shopping. We're both still wrapping our heads around this.  My guess is that I'm a little more guarded than he is after all the reading and research I've done this last year+ but I'm still incredibly thankful to have this first step forward. 

And to KRQ: whenever you read this, you're likely the 1st person to find out! So, shhh...That's what you get for following this story ;) Miss you!

Double Down on the Emotions Part Deux

Oh, Sunshine & Rainbows!

What a turn the day made. Number 1: we got our shipment of wine from the little family vineyard we visited in Napa last month, Bremer. They make the most fabulous wines, oh yesyesyes!

Number 2 requires a quick backstory. Last weekend we needed to go to the Lone Tree branch of CCRM for me to do my cyst check and bloodwork and we had the sweetest most enthusiastic nurse meet with us. I actually told J after we left that if we move to that area some time soon, I would request her as our nurse. Our current nurse is, well, clinical, and not very personable but I thought it would be a karmic no-no to request another nurse. She gets the job done just fine, being the conduit between Dr. M and us.

So I was in the midst of a nice, relaxing yoga session when my phone rang. I don't get many calls these days so I picked it up and SO glad I did! It was our CCRM nurse calling to let me know she'd taken a new position at the university and so our case would be transferred to another nurse. Well, wouldn't ya know, we're being transferred to the awesome nurse from last weekend! I'll call her Lana. She's awesome and I'm so pumped. Turns out, Lone Tree was just her weekend assignment.

Just the good news I needed. It feels like such a good omen. This cycle has to be a good one.

Reclaiming Joy

It is so painfully easy to lose yourself in the process once someone stamps you as "infertile." It hurts. It's painful. And you want to find whatever solution you can think of to put the battle behind you. While you're busy researching fertility clinics, deciding on the best supplements and resetting your lifestyle, the goal you're after can become so much of your focus that you forget what life used to be.

The last year and a half has brought so much change that I don't even remember what my life is "supposed" to be like. But what I do know is that most of the time I've been feeling anxious, uncertain and inadequate. Certainly those feelings began to creep in last fall when, month after month, there was no positive test, but it really intensified in May when my contract was up with my old company. In a way, it was the symbolic last tie to my "old" life that I had loved so much.

Despite common professional stressors, life was good in New York. I remember the unbridled joy I often felt just walking through the Theater District on my way home or going for a run in Central Park. Since we've left, I do have my moments of joy and excitement, but so often those feelings are overshadowed by disappointment and discouragement.

One of the first pieces of advice that Acupuncture Jane gave me was to "find joy" which, honestly, had me stumped for a couple weeks. But I put a lot of effort towards reminding myself of the things that made me happy and being more conscious of those little natural things that would put a smile on my face. In Colorado, the sky is just an amazing work of art. Realizing that it was something I enjoyed, I've now tried to really focus my attention towards appreciating those gorgeous skyscapes many times a day. I pushed myself to do things that I was interested in with the hope that I might find a pocket of joy hiding somewhere. So I've tried doing more running and yoga and those things make me feel like I'm reclaiming myself. Which naturally leads to moments of joy and fulfillment.

In the car today I had the windows down with the hot sun warming me up from the air conditioning I'd just been enveloped in. With some old school Dave Matthews Band flowing, life just felt so good. I want to remember to shine more light on these moments and give them all the attention they deserve. And I'd also like to put some more thought into making moments like that. Life is so short that the idea of waiting for moments of joy to fall in your lap seems short sighted. What can we do in life to make our own joy without it feeling manufactured?

Failures and Shortcomings

I'm feeling like a major failure right now. I've been putting so much effort towards being positive, optimistic, chill and zen-like.But some days are hard. And then, just when you're coming out of a hard spell, WHAM! A storm comes. In this case, that was literaly what happened.

My parents and brother came out for a week long visit and we had an awesome time. It was a little stressful to keep up with such a long and intense itinerary and constantly be cooking and cleaning and keeping the ducklings going in the right direction. But it was amazing to have so much compact quality time. We had so much fun! The day that they left I was soooo sad. Crying in the car by myself kind of sad. I was dealing, but then J came home from work (late) and asked me what the status was on baby stuff. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was 3 days into a period and see that he really felt hit by it. We had a sad night on the couch. 

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I had an acupuncture appointment and since it had been a week and a half, I was super psyched to be back on the needle table with AJ. It was a solid appointment that left me feeling great and fertility yoga was later that night. Wednesday was my DAY, man! My get-back-to-zen day. Things were feeling good. When yoga was over at about 8:30pm, we had a massive downpour and thunder/lightening storm. And while leaving the parking lot I drove into a concrete pile :( womp womp.

When J came out to the car we figured out that the passenger side door wouldn't open. F*ck. Fast Forward: I took Ravy to a collision guy this morning and the estimate came in at $1450. Jesus help me.

Wait, there's more! They can't take us until September 29. A MONTH AWAY.

Oh, one more thing. The repair will take 4 days and we have........ one..............car. Motherhecker. 

I think it goes without saying that I feel like such a huge failure. It's been over a year and I have no baby. It's been 4 months of unemployment and I have no leads. We've been here nearly 5 months and I have zero friends. I can barely get emails returned to me, from job and friend prospects alike. The volunteering thing is going totally crappy. CCRM and acupuncture have been pricey and I've just rung up about $2000 worth of car repairs. It's sad, but J isn't making me feel any better. I want to feel his support. Anything. Maybe a sentiment like: hey, crap happens, we'll get through this, it's not you, you are not the center of a sh*tstorm.

F.

M.

L.

Is that lame? is that phrase totally over? It is the only thing that feels appropriate to say in this moment.

LH Surge? Whaaa?!

I wanted to check, just to be sure. Just because I'm so damn curious. I took out the cup and dipped the OPK strip in it, truly not expecting anything. There was a faint little line which, to me, was too inconclusive. So I waited another 12 hours and did it again.

My Lord.

Dark double line. My luteinizing hormone is surging. Wowzers. Apparently this "lost cycle" may not be so lost! Oh, the optimism!

I'm attributing this good news to the major lifestyle overhaul of the last 2 weeks. Acupuncture, yoga, meditation and deep breathing, TCM style diet, no alcohol, (almost) no sugar. They were pretty certain at CCRM that I had nearly no shot at ovulation this month due to the cyst. But either way, this is good news :) My body feels healthy and in control of herself. Happy times!

EWCM!

Just a disclaimer - this is definitely a TMI kinda post. If you aren't knee deep in fertility terms, this will probably be too much of an "ick" for you.

For anyone who was lucky enough to get pregs on an "oops" this is likely an unknown. But for the rest of us who have been trying for long months or years, we are very familiar with cervical mucous and the various patterns it goes through during a cycle. Anywhere from dry to sticky to creamy to... egg white! Yeah, gross. Comparing the fluid that leaks from your crotch when you're at your most fertile to a breakfast food is, in my humble opinion, super unappealing.

As unappealing as it is, egg white cervical mucous (EWCM) is both super critical to the babymaking - it helps transport sperm through the scary vagina and cervix into the lovely, welcoming uterus - and it is something I don't have. I've been looking for it every single month over this past year to no avail. I've tried all the tips and tricks like being sure to drink a ton of water so you're fully hydrated and taking mucinex around ovulation to thin out mucous secretions.  Still, nothing.

So imagine my surprise to notice it this morning! What's different? I've had two needling sessions with AJ in the past 11 days. I've taken 8 doses of the fabulous Chinese herbs. I've done 3 or 4 yoga classes. I've gone for 2 legit runs plus an intense trail run. I've been taking some form of the stinky, salt water smelling greens mix for the last 8 days. I'm doing lots of deep breathing exercises, repeating my mantra when I remember. I've had several days of no sugar, no alcohol, no caffeine over the last 2 weeks. I'm making a conscious effort to pull back on processed foods, white flour and refined sugars/carbs. I hate saying this so I'll say it quietly - I'm making a lot of freaking sacrifices here. 

On the other hand, I also feel like I'm finally on a good track. I feel like I'm doing something meaningful, working towards better general health. It seems that my moods and emotions are more even and stable which is a sizable relief for someone so ruled by emotion :) Those are subjective things though. I feel like I got to see a real, tangible side effect of all of this effort. I suppose I could be wrong and it's just a coincidence. But I'm choosing to believe that seeing a hint of EWCM is proof that what I'm doing is working. BAM.

I'm not expecting ovulation this month because of the cyst. But now I'm strongly contemplating giving up the IUI next month also, maybe give myself a shot at a natural conception. By then I'd have about 6 or 7 weeks of this lifestyle change under my belt. Do I dare start thinking of giving up the IUI for another cycle beyond that? That would mean a natural try in the first week of September and the first week of October. That sounds scary and liberating at the same time. But the bottom line here is staying strong with my nutrition and finding joy again. Running down Green Mountain yesterday was so thoroughly enjoyable. Better than eating handcrafted ice cream from Little Man? Well, it sure lasted longer! :)

Fertility Yoga & Sugar Oops

Interesting experience... When I sent my freak out email to Jane the acupuncturist she, among many other calming and wise words, suggested that I come by for the fertility yoga class that they host on Tuesdays. Last night was also my first experience using Uber. J was supposed to get home in time for me to take the car, but his 21 mile commute turned into a one hour, fifty minute odyssey complete with car accidents and construction. Uber it was. Pretty decent experience, I would definitely call them up again.

The class was small and intimate, just 6 of us. Everyone spent a couple minutes introducing themselves and talking about their journey up to this point. There were some pretty diverse stories. The instructor has been at this now for 10 years and has adopted 2 foster children in the meantime. We did super relaxing breathing and movement and with such a slow pace, there were a couple of poses that felt really strong and intense. We were told to come up with a personal mantra at the beginning and then used that throughout the practice. Superstitiously speaking, or maybe for some mysterious spiritual reason, I don't know if you're supposed to share these things. But. Why not? There's probably something good about putting it out there in the big wide world. I want so badly to feel happy and fulfilled again so I'm starting with the "fake it til you make it" concept. Here's mine: I am happy. I have the health to be pregnant. There. It's out there. Hope it works, haha!

In my quick and dirty research on TCM so far, it is clear that balanced health is key. I believe that I've had relatively good health, but I think that I've developed a few bad dietary habits that may have been fine in moderation, but for me have just thrown the whole system out of balance. Number 1 is my sugar addiction. I absolutely love sweets, desserts, sugar, carbs. Nom nom nom, gimmie more! Sadly, though, I think I've really hit the max intake, like for a lifetime, and have messed up my balance. (PS, I was also on various forms and brands of birth control for about 16 years. Surely that can't have been good for "balance.") As of Saturday, I decided now is the time to go all-in with my diet. All of the sugar is bad for my health in a general sense, but what is that's the obstacle that's keeping my uterus from being a happy, healthy home?! That would be crazy. So giving it up can only help.

But moving on to my "oops." Acupuncture Jane (that's a lot to type, I'm gonna go with AJ from here on out) suggested that I may want to try out gluten free for a bit. I don't want to go hardcore or anything, but just try to have fewer wheat products in my diet. Somehow I stumbled upon a gluten free waffle recipe this morning and thought it was a great idea (it wasn't). The waffles were not that tasty. And the recipe turned out to have a lot of sugar in it. I should have really looked at the recipe before I started. Doh. Frankly, I'm feeling the effects. It feels like my heart is going too fast, like I'm having anxiety. I was good for three days, now I feel crappy.

Gotta get back on that healthy horse now! Carrot pancakes and arugula salad for dinner.