We had a chat last night. A married people chat. The kind of deep conversation that I crave and wish we had more frequently. It usually happens every few months and often by force. Because I'm having a meltdown and finally J sits and listens. After Monday's shitty cyst news, J gave me carte blanche to be sad and mopey and talk about whatever I wanted. I kind of thought my special dispensation to be depressed would last longer than a few hours, but by Tuesday evening it was clear that J expected to me to be right back on the happy train. That was disappointing with everything else going on. I was really hoping for more emotional support.
So I did what a married person is supposed to do. I held back until I had my thoughts all sorted and then calmly expressed why I was feeling hurt and disappointed. No, really, that's actually what I did! I guess I was just feeling zen and collected after the yoga class. We ended up talking for probably an hour about this situation we're stuck with and the way we are both relating to one another about it. It was so refreshing to feel heard, to feel equal. The one thing that he said that really resonated with me and will probably stick with me for a while is something I've been aware of, but didn't have the right words for: I need a win.
One of the reasons this has been so hard on me the last year is that I've talked myself into believing that I have nothing else and being a mother is the only thing that will make me worthy. I'm unemployed - for about 3 months now - and having a hell of a time finding a new job, I'm fully isolated right now without family nearby and far away friends who are hard to stay in touch with, the people I've met so far here in Denver aren't people I feel a strong connection to, I've stopped running because it raises my heart rate too high I feel like I'm gaining weight but have zero motivation to workout and the one skill I cling to is cooking. Things that people often "define" themselves with, I've just run out of. And while that's kind of a sad realization, knowing a truth is an excellent first step towards fixing something.
But the bottom line? It was so nice to feel like J thinks about me and analyzes where I am in life. It was a feeling I had been craving and it felt so good :) Maybe if I just feel like I'm having a win in my relationship, maybe that can be enough to life me up a little bit.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Fertility Yoga & Sugar Oops
Interesting experience... When I sent my freak out email to Jane the acupuncturist she, among many other calming and wise words, suggested that I come by for the fertility yoga class that they host on Tuesdays. Last night was also my first experience using Uber. J was supposed to get home in time for me to take the car, but his 21 mile commute turned into a one hour, fifty minute odyssey complete with car accidents and construction. Uber it was. Pretty decent experience, I would definitely call them up again.
The class was small and intimate, just 6 of us. Everyone spent a couple minutes introducing themselves and talking about their journey up to this point. There were some pretty diverse stories. The instructor has been at this now for 10 years and has adopted 2 foster children in the meantime. We did super relaxing breathing and movement and with such a slow pace, there were a couple of poses that felt really strong and intense. We were told to come up with a personal mantra at the beginning and then used that throughout the practice. Superstitiously speaking, or maybe for some mysterious spiritual reason, I don't know if you're supposed to share these things. But. Why not? There's probably something good about putting it out there in the big wide world. I want so badly to feel happy and fulfilled again so I'm starting with the "fake it til you make it" concept. Here's mine: I am happy. I have the health to be pregnant. There. It's out there. Hope it works, haha!
In my quick and dirty research on TCM so far, it is clear that balanced health is key. I believe that I've had relatively good health, but I think that I've developed a few bad dietary habits that may have been fine in moderation, but for me have just thrown the whole system out of balance. Number 1 is my sugar addiction. I absolutely love sweets, desserts, sugar, carbs. Nom nom nom, gimmie more! Sadly, though, I think I've really hit the max intake, like for a lifetime, and have messed up my balance. (PS, I was also on various forms and brands of birth control for about 16 years. Surely that can't have been good for "balance.") As of Saturday, I decided now is the time to go all-in with my diet. All of the sugar is bad for my health in a general sense, but what is that's the obstacle that's keeping my uterus from being a happy, healthy home?! That would be crazy. So giving it up can only help.
But moving on to my "oops." Acupuncture Jane (that's a lot to type, I'm gonna go with AJ from here on out) suggested that I may want to try out gluten free for a bit. I don't want to go hardcore or anything, but just try to have fewer wheat products in my diet. Somehow I stumbled upon a gluten free waffle recipe this morning and thought it was a great idea (it wasn't). The waffles were not that tasty. And the recipe turned out to have a lot of sugar in it. I should have really looked at the recipe before I started. Doh. Frankly, I'm feeling the effects. It feels like my heart is going too fast, like I'm having anxiety. I was good for three days, now I feel crappy.
Gotta get back on that healthy horse now! Carrot pancakes and arugula salad for dinner.
The class was small and intimate, just 6 of us. Everyone spent a couple minutes introducing themselves and talking about their journey up to this point. There were some pretty diverse stories. The instructor has been at this now for 10 years and has adopted 2 foster children in the meantime. We did super relaxing breathing and movement and with such a slow pace, there were a couple of poses that felt really strong and intense. We were told to come up with a personal mantra at the beginning and then used that throughout the practice. Superstitiously speaking, or maybe for some mysterious spiritual reason, I don't know if you're supposed to share these things. But. Why not? There's probably something good about putting it out there in the big wide world. I want so badly to feel happy and fulfilled again so I'm starting with the "fake it til you make it" concept. Here's mine: I am happy. I have the health to be pregnant. There. It's out there. Hope it works, haha!
In my quick and dirty research on TCM so far, it is clear that balanced health is key. I believe that I've had relatively good health, but I think that I've developed a few bad dietary habits that may have been fine in moderation, but for me have just thrown the whole system out of balance. Number 1 is my sugar addiction. I absolutely love sweets, desserts, sugar, carbs. Nom nom nom, gimmie more! Sadly, though, I think I've really hit the max intake, like for a lifetime, and have messed up my balance. (PS, I was also on various forms and brands of birth control for about 16 years. Surely that can't have been good for "balance.") As of Saturday, I decided now is the time to go all-in with my diet. All of the sugar is bad for my health in a general sense, but what is that's the obstacle that's keeping my uterus from being a happy, healthy home?! That would be crazy. So giving it up can only help.
But moving on to my "oops." Acupuncture Jane (that's a lot to type, I'm gonna go with AJ from here on out) suggested that I may want to try out gluten free for a bit. I don't want to go hardcore or anything, but just try to have fewer wheat products in my diet. Somehow I stumbled upon a gluten free waffle recipe this morning and thought it was a great idea (it wasn't). The waffles were not that tasty. And the recipe turned out to have a lot of sugar in it. I should have really looked at the recipe before I started. Doh. Frankly, I'm feeling the effects. It feels like my heart is going too fast, like I'm having anxiety. I was good for three days, now I feel crappy.
Gotta get back on that healthy horse now! Carrot pancakes and arugula salad for dinner.
Monday, July 28, 2014
The Lost Cycle
I knew something was off but had no thoughts on what it could be. I got the period, but a day late. That on its own is unusual for me. It showed early Saturday morning as we were getting ready in Breck for a huge hike we'd planned. I was fully prepared for an uncomfortable hike - advil, prescription pain killers, extra tissues and plenty of lady supplies in a ziplock bag.
A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.
Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.
I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.
I'm lost.
A couple of hours into the hike I was in need of a toilet, stat. But when you're in the middle of a mountain range, there is no powder room in which to freshen yourself up. I eventually found a short pile of rocks to tuck behind and fix things up. It was ugly. I haven't had to change my supplies like that within a couple of hours for.... years..... I mean, so. many. years. Ugh.
Well ever since that episode on Saturday morning, I've had virtually nothing. A touch more than spotting, but less than what I'd consider "light." I went in to have my ultrasound checkup this morning to clear me for the Clomid script.
I left empty handed. But not with empty ovaries. My right side has a big, black cyst. 3cm. So this will henceforth be known as the Lost Cycle. My body won't even produce a mature egg so that we can try naturally. So that's that. I sent a panicked email to Jane the acupuncturist to get some perspective. I completely fell apart in the car once I arrived home. Big, loud, pathetic sobs with massive tears just exploding from my tear ducts.
I'm lost.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Experimenting with TCM
Yay! More acronyms! TCM has floated around in various blogs I've meandered through and some fertility books and websites. The acronym doesn't usually "stick" for me and I need to go look it up, but I think it's here to stay. Traditional Chinese Medicine.
When we first met with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, she did mention that I may want to consider acupuncture, as several of her patients had seen some success in pairing the western medicine ART techniques in which CCRM specializes and traditional eastern methods with which many of us in the US are unfamiliar. My takeaway by the time of our regroup in June was that our numbers were so strong, an IUI was sure to be a success - I'd consider the additional spend on acupuncture only if the IUI didn't work.
So it was only one unsuccessful round for the IUI. I haven't totally lost hope or anything. But I just figure, if a little needle poking and some of the dietary wisdom from the ancient Chinese can only assist my attempts at 'assisted reproduction,' why not go for it? I anticipate starting the Clomid again tomorrow and having another transfer two Thursdays from now. In the meantime, as part of my TCM experiment, I've had my first acupuncture session, I ordered a recommended book (The Infertility Cure), set up two more acu appointments related to my IUI schedule, and started up 3 additional supplements - Vitamin D 4000 mcg, methylated folate and a spirulina based greens powder. Dr. Jane has also prescribed me yoga at least 1-3x a week and aerobic exercise 3-5x, as well as a particular kind of meditative deep breathing.
When I read things like bananas encouraging "dampness," and are therefore something I should avoid, I admit I feel some skepticism. But it's also the same practice that discourages refined sugars, processed foods and stress. That all makes good sense to me! If I need to avoid bananas in favor of plenty of other veggies, fruits and good grains, I guess I can make it work. Like I said, it is a bit of an experiment, but it is also something I'm trying to approach with an open mind and some enthusiasm. Cause hey, you never know!
When we first met with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, she did mention that I may want to consider acupuncture, as several of her patients had seen some success in pairing the western medicine ART techniques in which CCRM specializes and traditional eastern methods with which many of us in the US are unfamiliar. My takeaway by the time of our regroup in June was that our numbers were so strong, an IUI was sure to be a success - I'd consider the additional spend on acupuncture only if the IUI didn't work.
So it was only one unsuccessful round for the IUI. I haven't totally lost hope or anything. But I just figure, if a little needle poking and some of the dietary wisdom from the ancient Chinese can only assist my attempts at 'assisted reproduction,' why not go for it? I anticipate starting the Clomid again tomorrow and having another transfer two Thursdays from now. In the meantime, as part of my TCM experiment, I've had my first acupuncture session, I ordered a recommended book (The Infertility Cure), set up two more acu appointments related to my IUI schedule, and started up 3 additional supplements - Vitamin D 4000 mcg, methylated folate and a spirulina based greens powder. Dr. Jane has also prescribed me yoga at least 1-3x a week and aerobic exercise 3-5x, as well as a particular kind of meditative deep breathing.
When I read things like bananas encouraging "dampness," and are therefore something I should avoid, I admit I feel some skepticism. But it's also the same practice that discourages refined sugars, processed foods and stress. That all makes good sense to me! If I need to avoid bananas in favor of plenty of other veggies, fruits and good grains, I guess I can make it work. Like I said, it is a bit of an experiment, but it is also something I'm trying to approach with an open mind and some enthusiasm. Cause hey, you never know!
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Secrecy
Growing up I got stuck keeping the huge family secret about my dad. Years went by that I kept this massive, confusing, looming issue from my friends and all of my extended family. In my teenage years, stuff with my dad became increasingly awkward, the secret became more and more difficult to keep, and once my parents decided to divorce, life at home was just so... icky. But I had so many of those pressing "teenager issues" like classes, grades, crushes and boyfriends, college plans, popularity, friends, plans for the weekend... So I often pushed aside the feelings about my dad and family and continued keeping the secret, whether or not it was the right thing for me.
When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.
Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.
Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.
Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...
When I left for college three states away, no one asked much about my dad because it was always my mom and stepdad who came for visits. Phew. Then, after school I got a job working in a company that was part of my dad's industry. During my college years, my dad went through the process of informing everyone professionally what his deal was. So once I became part of that industry, everyone knew the secret. Cat was outta the bag. Double phew. Eventually I met J and the time came to let him in on it. It was a scary conversation and he had a few questions. But not too long after, J felt comfortable asking me to become part of his family and to become part of mine. He finally met my dad (a meeting for which I was an anxious, nervous wreck for days leading up...) and everything went fine. At this stage, all of the important people in my life know about my dad. I feel so much more open and free and even though I don't always understand my dad, it feels better to not have a secret hanging over me anymore.
Enter Secret Number 2, stage left.
Here I am again feeling like I've got this issue that I can't be open about. This ugly, ghostly thing called Infertility. To make matters worse, we're stuck with unexplained infertility, ugh. Here's who is in the loop: my mom (and, by extension, my stepdad), and two girlfriends (who both live on the east coast. blast.) No one on his side of life. J is super private and that is up to him, it's how he has lived his whole 32 years. Most of the time it makes me crazy but on this issue I don't know what to think.
Infertility as a secret is a real double edged sword. On the one hand, it is a topic that seems like a natural secret. If we were normal fertile peeps, we sure wouldn't be discussing the process very publicly, right? Like, who puts up the Facebook status, "Tonight's the magic night! squeeee!" or what about, "We're ready to start trying. Wish us luck guys! xoxo"? Seriously. Creating a baby is pretty private until you've got something to show for it. It's an exciting and short-lived secret that just you and your spouse share for a handful of months. So, naturally, we oughta keep all these tests and procedures secret til we've got a reason to come clean, right? What's going on in our bedroom (cough, lab, coughcough) isn't anyone's business...
Well, on the other hand, infertility freaking sucks the big one. It can be months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartbreak. Wouldn't it be nice to gather up as much support as possible? And what about all those awkward conversations and small talk chats that make you want to crawl in a hole and pluck your eye lashes out one at a time? "So when are youuuuuu guys gonna have one, sweetie?" At the most recent baby shower: "Well you two have been married a while now. I bet YOU'LL be the next one!" Yeah. Right. Not if my last year of failures is any indication... Wouldn't it be a relief to just come clean with the whole thing? Maybe it would preclude those little stabs to the heart that people think are so innocent. Some support or even just silence on the topic would be welcome.
I just don't know. Like I said, it's such a personal topic. Everyone and every couple need to approach it the best way they see fit. But I've been feeling differently about it nearly every day of the week. I don't want to be the focus of family pity but I'd also love to experience a little sensitivity when family wants to discuss everyone else's amazing babies.
More than anything though, I want to stop keeping ugly secrets. A lifetime of this just can't be good for the soul.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Mother Nature. What a Bitch.
She can't make this whole thing easy can she? This lady's got me peeing in cups, having hormonal breakdowns and waking up at 5:20am every friggin morning to take my stupid basal body temperature. (That's just the first layer of the cake, of course. This is a heavily iced special 7 layer cake, you know. Like the "Great Wall of Chocolate Cake at P.F. Chang's. There's also the Reproductive Endocrinologist that we're paying for layer, the stress of not being able to naturally conceive on our own layer, the idea of acupuncture -cha ching!- layer, fertility massage layer, the "just relax" layer... just pile it on, the cake isn't tall enough yet.)
No, Nature Lady couldn't just let me have my freak out yesterday due to my crazy temp drop and leave well enough alone. My temp rose this morning. Barely, but it rose. F*ck you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
13dpiui and Preparing
Not a happy day.
Symptoms:
CM is starting to dry up
Period-like cramps, not at all like what I was feeling right after the IUI.
Temperature dropped precipitously this morning to 97.9 and I'm never in the 97 range during a luteal phase.
PMS-y moodiness.
So that's that. I need to start planning now for the next cycle. My temp drop is about 3 days earlier than normal so I'm wondering if bleeding will start sooner. Bring it on! If my cycles are gonna keep failing, the least they can do is be shorter...
Cycle Day 3 (start of Clomid) would typically be this coming Sunday, but I'll hope that it starts sooner than that. I'd expect IUI to be scheduled Wednesday morning, Aug 6. But again, a couple days earlier than that would be just fine with me. My family is coming for a visit on August 20 and I'd spent the last two or three weeks so hopeful that we might be able to share tentatively exciting news with them when they were here!
No dice.
I really thought I could better control my emotions this time around knowing that we have a plan in place and we are working with such a great practice. I guess that was silly of me. What really has me down right now is the knowledge that I know nothing. There is no answer for what didn't work well in this cycle. I responded well to the medications, had a great lining prepared, followed all of the rules about no caffeine and no alcohol (well, till yesterday. just had to have myself half a beer). So what can I do next time to give myself a better chance?
Black Hole
I'm having this feeling of crawling deep inside of myself, as far in as I can get. As if my mind and spirit are just going to take up residence in my feet for a while, as low as they can sink down.
Since 5:18am I've been laying here feeling the cramps come on. Checked my temp- it sunk to 97.9 overnight. What have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong? A negative at the end of every month hurts, but this one I actually paid for. Double ouch.
I put it off last cycle, but I'm going to call the acupuncture lady today. Dr. M said she also does Mayan uterine massage. And it would probably be of some benefit to get more into yoga, too. I feel like I'm sinking right now.
I put it off last cycle, but I'm going to call the acupuncture lady today. Dr. M said she also does Mayan uterine massage. And it would probably be of some benefit to get more into yoga, too. I feel like I'm sinking right now.
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